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Today is Yom Kippur which is the Day of Atonement for Jews which I am one. One of the main themes is reflecting back on the year and understanding what one could have done better. Apologizing for poor behavior to those we have hurt is also a part of it.

I have an email ready to go to my exMPDgf apologizing for how I handled the end. I am not apologizing for how I feel or catching her in a lie but more of how we ended and my lashing out at her. A lot of nasty things were said. I probably could have done a better job of maturely going my own way.

I want to send it but quite frankly, I feel that I am using this Holiday as an excuse for making contact. I do sincerely want to apologize for lashing out and try to one day be on some level of speaking terms because she means a lot to me but using this Holiday to do so is not sitting well with me.

On one hand, saying "I'm sorry" is a big step to closing the loop. On the other hand, what is my real intention behind this? Is it really to say that I am sorry or is it to reconnect? Honestly, I can't tell. And maybe some things should just be left alone. But then again... .UGH!

What do you think?

It's great that you realize your true motives. Don't do it unless you want to reopen contact and potentially recycle the relationship. If you really want to atone, you could do it by mailed letter, which would more clearly send the message that a response is not desired/required, especially if you closed it by wishing her well, along the lines of "have a nice life" (but phrased in a less loaded way).

Thanks Ab123... .good advice. On second thought, its not worth sending anything. The more I think about it, the more I realize that nothing good can come from it and/or will not be understood or appreciated.

Welcome to the BPD family!

You can always send it later... .if and when (1) you decide it is truly necessary A N D (2) your motives are beyond question. 

As long as they are in question, then don't.  Err on the side of caution.  You've been down this road.  No need to go back.

I apologized to my college BF about five years after the r/s ended.  There is no rush!

 I know where you're coming from. I found some valuable items that belong to my ex, and returned them along with a short note wishing him a happy new year. It was my attempt to make peace. I received no response, as expected. Sadly enough, even on Yom Kippur  he feels there is nothing to atone for.  But that's OK because I received closure for myself.  I feel like a weight has been lifted. My side of the street is now clean.

I think very much like you have, and wanted to reach out again, especially for Yom Kippur. G-d knows our hearts and pains we have experienced this year. I pray you will receive comfort and healing each day. I admit, I still hope to get a call or a text. I resolve to think now for sure, he has moved on, or perhaps found someone else. I am not overly hurt anymore, and healing up alone... .I have had some very sad, alone times. I don't want to recycle with him anymore. The good times now are not worth what I know will quickly come after. I regret staying involved for so long now.  Again, be well and know that your feelings are well respected here.

So to my Jewish friends, I hope you all had a meaningful day. L'Shanah Tova.

Some of you mentioned 'motives'. I would never go back into a relationship with her... .ever! As much as I would want to I could never do this again. But I do have motives which is to be on somewhat cordial terms with her. She and I go way back and she still means a lot to me even after all of this crap. Even just a once a year "hello" would be nice.

But a part of me says to be careful what you wish for. People like her have a nasty way of dragging you back into their drama, pushing all the wrong buttons and ultimately attracting you back to them with whatever means necessary.

It's probably better this way.

If its something that bothers you, do it. Im not sorry I did. A burning question was did he really mean what did/said at the end? Almost 6 months later I realize a sad truth; no he doesn't hate me (or the response would have been nasty) he simply doesn't care. Maybe he never did, dunno. Maybe the whole 14 years was a lie. Its an individual decision. I know I did a lot wrong, and I asked G-d for forgiveness today. I wish him well and hope he gets the help he needs.