BPDFamily.com

Sitting here over a glass of red wine (ok, it's a bottle) ... .need a vent piece.

I don't know what's wrong with my ex-wife, but her thinking is selfish, ruthless, heartless and nasty.  I say to myself that she can't be happy to think this way, as if it's some consolation prize for being treated like doggy doo.

There's so many stories I could tell, and this one isn't the biggest by any stretch of the imagination, but is symptomatic of what I deal with.  And I kinda need to let it out.

So ... .

My ex advises me via email that she recently learned that my Child Support payments have been underpaid for 3 years, as there's been adjustments over that time that neither of us were aware of.

The email demands full backpay for the 3 years.

Let me provide some context with financials.

For a year after we separated, I paid her over $1k a month above what was required of me to look after her financially (she didn't work and claims/scams a disability pension).  Plus I was subsequently screwed over with property settlement which left me with nothing - and I mean nothing - other than the clothes on my back.  Lots of lies told during our marriage and then in affidavits to make sure she got e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

So ... .I called the Child Support Agency who advise me that the adjustments in her email were correct, and they were sent to me electronically via a website portal that I wasn't aware of, and that the maximum backpay they can enforce is 3 months.

Note she has been running a business for about 2 years that hides the income via a trust so she can continue to claim disability, and this income of course isn't taken into account in assessing Child Support.

I spoke to my ex to tell her that the adjustments she emailed to me are correct, that I'm sorry that this has happened, and I'm happy to backpay the 3 months and start paying the new amount.

Done? Satisfied?

Of course not.

She wants backpay from 2012 and as I didn't agree she'll try to get interest on top.  Suddenly she doesn't believe me that I wasn't aware of the changes, and starts with the name calling and accusations.  I could not be calmer in response (had lots of practice in best war evasion tactics) but this doesn't slow down the venom.

I explain to ex that perhaps she could consider that I had looked after her financially and weened her off my payments after the first 12 months for many more months rather than cutting her off, and to apply the same consideration in return.  Of course, it is "not the same" (irrelevant in fact) and apparently I have no idea what it costs to raise a child (even though we share 50/50 custody and I pay my fair share as well as the day to day clothes/food etc).

She was disgusted with my selfishness and lack of "honour", in not wanting to re-pay every cent plus interest that was "owed" to her.

Ah, the simple life!

Ah, the Guilting, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  She will do, not do, say and claim whatever she wants to.  Much of it is outside your control or even influence, she's not listening to reason.


Do you have that in writing?  You need it documented.  While they may say they don't enforce it - that it was her responsibility to get it enforced sooner - she may be able to raise such a stink that they or the court decide to side with her anyway.

well, she may have BPD! you don't need to have BPD to be grasping, but it would provide an explanation. she lives in an amoral world in which the satisfaction of her wounds, all of which are real to her even if they have no objective basis, comes before everything.


my exw, who had a higher salary than i did before and throughout the marriage yet spent herself into 80K of debt (which guess-who paid for in the settlement), called me "ungenerous" for not footing a recurring expense that she wanted but I didn't.

yes, get that statement from the CSA documented. keep the phone calls and emails BIFF.

My ex who works part time and serendipitously her hours dropped for the 6 weeks prior to the support hearing, is in a flurry because she requested a support hearing that occurred 2 weeks prior to the custody hearing.  Our custody arrangement changed.  And a few weeks later we were back in for a new support hearing.

She's upset because that hearing calculated my payment based on 3 months of expected higher daycare support during the summer. The custody change resulted in my not needing daycare. So for 2 weeks, my payment was based on about a $900 annual difference. This is a huge deal to her and I am a deadbeat for not paying her my due.  Which my estimate is about $15.

Meanwhile, for 6 months in 2014 my ex was being imputed at a full time equivalent of $52K. She's earning $62K part time and averaging $39/hr.  Which means prior to my raise in 2015, she was earning more per hour than I was.

Yet, with 50/50 custody. Me paying all the family debts, mortgage, and higher daycare cost. I was obligated to pay her approx. $700/month.

Seriously, the courts are ridiculous in their bias.  One of the cases before me, the father who was being held to $50K because that was what the hiring manager told him was the average earnings of salespeople (it's a wholly commission based job).  He's only earning $20K/year.  The judge was <sarcasm>merciful</sarcasm> and reduced it to $30K basis. Only 50% instead of 150% more than his earnings.

Seriously... .it is so horrendous.  Father's being held to far more than they're earning. Mother's being held to far less than they're earning.  I am sorry to those mother's who do have deadbeat dad's who don't support. But I have lost all faith in the system.

Thanks friends.  It's nice to be understood.  I am feeling a lot better about it all today.  There's just something about her confrontational nature that gets to me afterwards.  It's never pleasant unless I say "yes" straight away.  There's no-one else on the planet I've found that treats people, or creates anywhere near such overwhelming hostility to get what they want, no matter how unreasonable and inconsiderate.


I called the Child Support Agency again today to get it in writing but they don't do that.  I was assured beyond doubt that the maximum is 3 months.


Amoral sums it all up.

If I can offer some advice to anyone reading this, it's to be nice and friendly to the staff there.  Both times I've done this they have been very helpful and shared information and tips that I'm sure they otherwise wouldn't.  Build rapport, throw the right questions in and listen to what they say.

I wouldn't give her any money unless it's ordered from the support dept otherwise it might can get classified as gift money.  If she feels more money is due then she has to file for a modification of support order.  Not an email telling you to pay back pay.

My vent too if you don't mind... .I'm on the receiving end for child support.

I apologize for my jumbled explaining because it's complex.

My divorce took three years.  Xh got 62% of marital assets, which included the house ( which I paid the majority for ) and my share of my family's  business ( which he had nothing to do with) .

So sorry you didn't what you should of in the property settlement.

In 2013 xh put in for a modification for support and c/s.  Then he did nothing with it or the settlement .

Then a year ago I received a new order for modification of child support and  he wants past spousal support from me. 

After the divorce trial/ settlement , which his L pressure me to give him a lump sum spousal support, which I didn't , we had a separate hearing in the support dept. xh owed 6k in arreages, which was part dental/medical for kids. ( he loved the kids having braces when my mom and dad had paid but not when he had  to pay)

The outcome of the support hearing... .I receive about 525 for two kids. I pay their medical individual policy. I pay the first 250 for each then 60% of expenses after. I pay for their phones, school and after school activities /lessons. Clothes , shoes, school supplies etc.  I keep it in a separate account .

No spousal or alimony for me. ( agreed on in the settlement )

This c/s order was decided on from support dept , an attorney , and signed by a judge.

Xh appeal it ... .so I am headed to a trial in a courtroom, with a judge , and I am going to have to take the stand and be questioned and cross examined.   

I knew back six months ago , that if he owed a dime in c/ s , and or he didn't get his lump sum spousal support he would appeal.  The lump sum spousal support he wants is from a one time capital gain from inherited property. 

I'm not worried about the child support. Even though I like the fact that he has to now pay for his kids,

I don't want to owe him spousal support. He was and is a very entitled and cheap individual.

And of course more $$$ to pay my L for this.

Ah, my pain

^^can you ask for attorney fees since he's one continuing this after it's been settled?

Also, our BPDm goes to court without her attorney when ever there is money involved and cried poor, then turns around and hires him back to try to get more time ( so she can ask for more money) and it works for her brilliantly every time. Judge is always feeling sorry for the poor single mother.

Frustrating thing is, she has kiddo 10% of the time! and we have 90%. And she works a whopping ten hours a week and we both work over sixty hours each to keep everyone paid, therapists, attorney, parent coordinators etc.

She doesn't pay for daycare, therapy or any of kiddos expenses, she Grandstands every chance she gets about being the source of kiddos dental and medical insurance, but her govt. job pays for it 100%. She pays nothing for it.

Try having your ex claim that due to her part time schedule, she rarely has to utilize daycare.  Then have same said ex claim $15,000/annually for daycare costs.

Ya... .and the courts put a !@#$ gun to my head and make me bend over and kiss her !@#.  So sick of it... .one selfish cruel !@#$ gets to totally destroy my life. 

No wonder we have dads lighting themselves on fire in court houses.