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Does anyone else see this in themselves... .I think this is why I feel safe coming to this forum.

In childhood, my suspected BPD mom would minimize my feelings and opinions, telling me I was wrong for them. As an adult, it has made me question everything I do. I never feel secure when I make a decision. I always flip-flop between being secure and happy with it, to questioning myself and wondering if I'm overreacting/the crazy one/etc. 

It is a horrible way to live and I deal with it on just about every personal decision I make, especially when my feelings get hurt.

For example:

I've had a really stressful week and had to work a little on Saturday. My weekends are the only time I get to relax. After having to go with my students on a special trip, and getting back around lunch today, I was feeling even worse, so I decided to go to the doctor.

They said I didn't have a temperature, but my white blood cell count was a little high. I tested negative on Strep, Flu, and Pneumonia, so they chalked it up to a respiratory bug or severe allergies. I told my friends this when they called and my friend in the background said, "I don't want to be sick!" after I had just said I didn't have a fever because we had planned to go out to dinner.

I don't know, I've been around when she's been blowing her nose and sniffling, not saying a word, knowing why, or saying something as rude as "I don't want to be sick!" and leaving. I just found her proclamation to be rude and pretty much "I don't want you here!"

After that, I told them I was grabbing take out and going home, ending the conversation. The friend that called me felt bad, I could tell, and text me saying I probably needed to rest (because of my crazy week) and asked where I went and such, but I haven't answered her because I know they are out on the city having fun and I'm pissed about how rude the other friend has been.

She was irritable toward her husband when I was over a few days ago and then said that to me today. I know it sounds childish, but she can be so damn inconsiderate and selfish with her words! If I was really sick, I wouldn't hang out with them so I wouldn't contaminate them, but, I don't feel she has a reason to act the way she did. I probably have a sinus infection.

All in all, I hate that some people don't understand or remember what it's like to be a single female who lives alone. I feel like I have no support system, especially when I have my feelings hurt. My stepmom likes to lecture me. My dad isn't someone I'm close with emotionally. These friends are the only ones I have and they have their drama from time-to-time, but I already feel so alone and when I realize how alone I am in a time like right now, i just want to cry.

I wish I could love myself enough to stand up and tell that friend how rude she was and risk losing her as a friend. I wish I had a normal family and support group. I wish I was happy with being single and in this bubble I call my busy life, but I'm not.

To add to the stress, I second-guess myself on pretty much everything I do.

I can say no! I feel a strong imidiate connection and attraction towards BPD women, because of my childhood BPD mother, but I know I cannot rely on this as a measure of best partner for a healthy relationship.

Hi misssouthernbelle,

Welcome to the Personal Inventory board.  :)

I believe it is at least possible for you to become able to hear your "true voice" and get the second-guessing that you absorbed from your mother out of your head.  It might take time and practice, and therapy if you're not already in it, but over time I have started to notice when my thinking process shifts from my own desires to my mother's beliefs and "shoulds" (she doesn't have BPD, but unhealed trauma that she dealt with by becoming controlling for the purpose of keeping myself and her "safe"


See, here's a good example.  The question here (at least for right now) isn't whether what you feel is right or wrong, but the fact that you feel it.  For now, we can just observe that that's so, and treat it as valid.  

It sounds like you are really wanting opportunities to feel connected to others, and so when this friend said "I don't want to get sick", it seemed as though she was putting the priority on her needs and not balancing them with yours at all?  Is that right?

You might want to check out Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which is based on finding out what your own feelings and needs are, and making requests of others to meet those needs.  I'm not saying a bit of "rudeness" or anger doesn't occasionally give a relationship the shakeup it needs to change, but you said you want to find a way to express your needs to her, but in a way that still helps her feel connected to you (and thus preserves the friendship).

How would you feel about saying something to her like... .explaining that it's difficult for you living alone, and so you really rely on her and the group of friends for companionship and connection, and so when she said "I don't want to get sick", that was very upsetting for you because it seemed as though she was only considering her own needs and not balancing them with yours?

(that's not NVC format, by the way, I'm just trying to help you start thinking about ways you could communicate your feelings to her without feeling rude)

You may also find out that there has been something going on with her, like how you said she was irritable with her husband (and if it wasn't "usual" behaviour for her).