BPDFamily.com

Hello all, I think I've just gone and blown some months of NC.

I have been a reader for some time but not yet aposter. My ex is diagnosed BPD. After 5 months NC I sent her a birthday present, I couldn't stop myself, I love her. Even though she did some awful awful things during our 4 yr r/s. This is what I sent today. Help! Think I ballsed up... .

Good Day my One and Only True Love, my Brightest Star,

I wrote (and said) that I would try and write something soon – here we go…

Most importantly, I hope that you had a really happy and enjoyable birthday. I have no idea if it was sensible or the right thing to do for me to send you a present. I was just unable to stop myself, even in the mire of contradiction that it raised in my mind. I am sorry for any mixed message. Yes, I have been working hard at avoiding contact between us, yet I broke that tendency with my actions - It just seemed impossible for me to watch your birthday come and go without doing something…

Having said that, it was indeed a dubious trick to use G's phone to get me on the line on Thursday, even for a birthday girl. You might not find it easy to believe or understand this; but just hearing your voice again has knocked me back several notches in the process I hang on to as offering some small hope of recovery.

Recovery from what? I hear you say. Recovery from my addiction to you. Despite all that has happened I am still unable to get you out of my mind as I should. My love for, care of, and need of you are all still very much there, even though they shouldn’t be. And the realization that you are gone and aren’t coming back still hurts and hurts like crazy, all the time, however much it mustn’t. Yet, you are in my thoughts and dreams every day and every night. I have tried so hard to keep my distance in the hope that it will help me forget and move on. And now it’s out of kilter again. As it was in February.

·        I would love to move on in a good and healthy way.

·        I would love to get to the stage when the mere mention of your name does not cause me to have tremors, palpitations, dizziness and a shortage of breath (symptoms of love, innit:)

·        I would dearly love to get to the stage where I can think of, hear, speak to, and see you without this total internal systems failure.

Whoever would have thought that I could be so weak?

To give myself a chance I would need and humbly request and beg just two things from you that I guess might be impossible hopes – A Farewell and a Promise

A Farewell which tells me why you really left: (Was I too Fat? Old? Mean? Aggressive? Lazy? Smelly? Stupid? Unemployed? Untidy? Careless? Dishonest? Unfaithful? Poor? Boring? Disloyal? Cowardly? Ugly? Unreliable? Unsupportive? All of the above, or something else?)

There is a reason for everything that happens and the “we just weren’t working” or “csak azért” are not reasons. Just tell me please, please, – straight up.

Even a year on, I feel like the sort of person you read about that can’t get on with grieving the death of a loved one because they don’t have the body. Well, I do recognize the death, but the lack of understanding is still doing me in. It’s not such an awfully bad question is it? I’m really not trying to be funny or to prove a point and maybe I am as thick as two short planks. Perhaps I simply can’t see the blindingly obvious, but I implore you to help me here. I’m still lost, dazed and confused and I want so much to move on and up.

Others have said to me “what did you expect? – you’re much older, you lost your job and your income and after all, she is a very ambitious person”. This scenario is the one you called ‘shallow’ in June last year and I for one believed you. But then I still don’t know what the case is. Whatever it might be, I would find much solace in it as it would at least help me ‘inter the corpse’ and grieve in greater peace and understanding. Help me. Tell me. Please.

As for the ‘Promise’ – All I ask is that If ever you reconsider and think that perhaps that this bloke wasn’t actually all that bad and you could somewhere in the deepest recesses of your beautiful mind think about giving things another go with him, then tell me that you will remember that I have nothing but love, goodwill and support for you. You need never feel any awkwardness, stigma or fear in reaching out to me. (see paragraph 4:) I have zero expectations of this. It’s my own far-fetched fantasy dream, but your word that IF the big IF were to ever come around and you would remember these things and feel no fear, it would mean an awful, awful lot to me. Even though it’s not going to happen. I will play my fair part, as I have done before.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I know that you might feel ‘obliged’ in some way to reciprocate ‘gift-wise’ on my birthday. There is no need, but If you could find your way to helping me somehow in these things - it would be the very best birthday present that I could imagine at the moment. Are you willing to pen me a few lines? Please.

If the answer is no -  you have said that you would like to meet. Would you be willing to speak to me about these things, honestly, without rage, anger and recrimination?

Now enough of my whining and pleading –Time will reveal what will happen (maybe) I’d best be off to do some clearing and packing up – I have the decorators coming in next week.

All my love, still, my Sweet Thing,

K.

Hi Kennyble,

*welcome*


Do you mean that she didn't give you closure when the relationship ended?

Did she respond to your message?

Kenny

This is the nicest sweetest letter you sent her. A lot of girls would kill for their loved one to express their feelings in such a humble, honest and emotional way. Nevertheless there are also girls who do not appreciate and value guys that treat them nicely... .maybe just because they are not challenging enough. This has nothing to do with BPD though.

So maybe you are making things for her a little too easy by saying you will always be there for her. The risk is that she night take your love for granted, which is not good.

Hope I got my point across... .english is not my first language.

xx

Hi Mutt, and thanks for the welcome:) I'm still finding my way using the site, hope that this ends up in the right place! To answer you - no closure whatsoever - just announced after 4 (rocky) years that she was off. Not even a farewell note or text, simply an email announcing what she had taken. No response to my note yet, but I would love to get at least something, anything, to help me 'find the body'

And Sugargirl- thank you for your nice kind comments too. Your point came across perfectly, seems your English is better than most:) I guess you are absolutely right but at the moment I still think she is/was the one for me, even though I have zero hope. I just wanted to say that she shouldn't feel frightened of admitting her mistake if she ever happens to think she made one. Probably I overdid it. thank you... .