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Recently my soon to be exwife of 2 years has suddenly started to text me when she either felt helpless or she is bored and wants to make small talk (I'm assuming bored).

She will vent to me, then tell me things like "I shouldn't be telling you this" or "No offense, but I don't want to talk about this with you." right after she tells me her issues. I confront her and she acts hurt and wants to be left alone. Then later will apologize for over reacting.

Either that or she will text me and be a little playful, nothing really flirty but just playful.

In either case she will suddenly stop responding to me once she feels better. Is this a common behavior of BPD? Or is this just a common behavior period? I've never experienced something like this form someone who has left me.

I am guessing she still has residual feelings for me and has to stop and/or is just using me. I asked her to meet me for coffee or hookah or something like that and she said she isn't ready for that but in the future she would. I don't understand, she left me, went to another guy, he was narcissistic, emotionally abused her and dumped her. Then she went to another guy she thought she was falling for and now I think she has no one, she said she is alone. (Who knows what the real truth is.)

I feel like she uses me, I brought that up but she denies it.

Hi Polis

Yes it happens. My ex wife did this until she landed her now husband. Three days after the wedding she wanted to talk and started moaning about her husband to me. Im not sure what drives it. Whether I was a stop gap and she was wanting to keep me on a back burner just in case. Or whether it was something else.

Ah that is weird. I am the only one she can reach out to when she feels like that I imagine, or at least she believes I am the only one. At least she apologized for overreacting.

I don't understand her wanting to keep me around in her life and not being able to see me. I stood up for myself yesterday, she was not happy by that and yet apologized later so I think she understood her actions. Last week we were being playful via text, then, again, stops responding.

Ignoring me when I initiate small talk is childish, IMO, if she doesn't think we should text she should just tell me that and not mess with me.

My exgf has a supply of orbiters she can reach out to so no need for me.

My ex wife on the other hand wasn't as sociable so her circle of friends is very limited.

My exgf was like that with some of her exes. It was mostly the ones who were less healthy about enforcing their boundaries and more susceptible to her charms, part of which is playing the damsel in distress.

I and the guy she was fooling around before me are more grounded, probably healthier, so she never bothers us. I think it's the rejection, loneliness, and bad feelings she would have if I ignored her or were cursory if she tried to reach out to me. I'm friendly but stay out of drama.

Yea I should set some boundaries with her that she cannot reach out to me like that when she has someone she is dating. That's her new boys responsibility now.

I flirted with her today, she was pretty offended. I don't even know what to say; it wasn't even sexual in nature.

Well I'm taking the rest of her stuff to her on Saturday and I might see her tomorrow to drop off this last bit of paperwork. I am going to apologize to her in person for blaming her so much about our relationship and some other things I have done.

I am laden with guilt that my own flaws I have are so obvious but I never went to therapy to deal with them; these decayed our connection slowly and changed who I was and she changed who she was, it was a mess. I still love her and hope she gets help and we potentially have a chance in the future, but that is far fetched pipe dream. I feel very guilty although I had no idea what was wrong with me.

She got help, but she definitely seems BPD, just her patterns of relationships and how she treats me now. I regret never getting help for myself, even when I knew I should have early on in our relationship. Now she sees me as horrible some days and a shoulder to cry on other days.

I hope it's ok I use this as a journal type format. I am very confused still, have days of extreme depression and other days of anger how I was treated after she left and how she left, telling me one thing and doing the other.

Hi Polis

Its good to just post on here like you say as a journal.

It seems as if you've come a long way in a short time.

Its easy to feel guilty but surely the level of guilt should be linked to how aware you were of any wrong doing. In my opinion if you didn't realise you were doing anything wrong then surely your guilt shouldn't be as great as it is.

Hey folks , I have been reading ,not posting much but this topic touched me , after 5 years R/s Almost 12 months of B/U, numerous ,hate mail claiming "blissfully happy with her fiancé " reaching out for me when ever she felt like it the last time she said consider me dead .

I certainly "did " and went NC  now more than  sixty days( I use to count but not anymore ),Which I think for me is the best solution .

Last night I got a text  I hesitated to post it , but if it's ok I will do that if  You guys insist ... .?

What a change in me !

I did not even blink or reacted to that plead for help text ! Not at all I am proud of myself that No More , I don't fall for her manipulations , i am not going to respond ... .For What ? I know all what she would answer if i did ask ,so why bother right ?

Stay NC and go on with your life you can't make a blind horse see !My favorite saying in this drama ,Thanks Skip !

I read a lot about they don't contact you because of shame or guilt, my answer to that is : They just don't care about anyone but themselves , i don't even think that shame exists in their complex thinking .

Good luck to all of you , time will heal all the wounds and get you out the fog jus like it did me .  

The issue is I knew something was wrong with me but I ignored it like I did many issues in our relationship, hoping it would go away. Really that is how I treat conflict between me and other people in general sometimes; it's not healthy. Literally when I tried to open up and talk about myself I would become so stressed it was difficult to think.

Now though I am working on that with my therapist.

Unfortunately my ex also had many, many issues; both of us tend to put other people first. She somehow claims she never was in love with me the way she wanted (she proposed to me, wanted to get married, etc... .clearly was in love she told me all the time) and that when we got married she was just "crazy". It hurts... .a lot.

I am still holding onto some bitterness, the way she left, the fact she told me we would try counseling and never did and how she is so "over us" so quickly. It stings, I'm bitter about it but nothing I can do but be civil. I am trying very hard to keep my anger under control, I never did yell when we were together in fear of hurting her (stupid I know but I was messed). I am different now, not perfect but just different.

That is why I feel guilty; I know she does too, she told me many times she feels horrible about what she did.

I am sorry you are hurting Ohio . Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel , it's a tough and a hard road to recovery .

It's a process believe me I went through hell and back with my EXPBD .

You will also... .It's easier said that done I know  , the sun will shine again the best of luck to you ... .

Yes it hurts that she doesn't want me at all... .just over 3 months ago we were together and she wanted to work on us. 3 months and she is completely gone. I don't even understand how someone can cut ties so fast.

She always has to have a boy too, it's ridiculous she cannot be single, needs a new victim and really desires sex. Somehow for months and months she failed to tell me her attraction to me was fading even when I asked what was wrong, she claimed she didn't know. I have much pent up anger as to what she did to me, leaving me after she started to hangout with this other guy, claimed she didn't leave me for him then two weeks after started dating him. I'm glad he dumped her hard.

I hope her new guy dumps her and sees her crazy.

Ohio , I asked myself billion time that question and am sure many fellow members did , guess what you and I would never what goes in BPD's mind ... .This mental sickness is horrible to them and us also , They lather rinse and repeat ... .

You  will come out of it with time but sadly they won't .

I'm sorry you're hurting Polis, hang in there. 

Remember that often for aa person suffering from BPD, feelings are considered facts to them. And people almost always rewrite history to fit what they feel. Borderlines suffer from severe attachment issues and lack of emotional maturity, so think of her like a two year old in adult disguise. One moment she can be in love with you because she feels you're the sole source of security in the world, the next moment she might feel you're the devil for not giving her a shiny new toy she wants.

You said earlier she was offended by your flirting with her. Her feelings are hers, and yours are yours, right? Have you learned some coping or self soothing techniques from your therapist to help deal with these negative emotions?

I have not been given any exact coping technique, except to remind myself I need to put me first and that whatever she is saying is likely her lashing out or trying to get what she needs.

I agree she suffers from severe attachment issues and a lack of emotional maturity, that is her to a T. At least she realizes her attachment issues; once I asked her why she never worked when we were together, she said she couldn't bear to be away from me and she would have to work nights or weekends so I could watch her son. That would have killed her to do, missing me so much. That is severe attachment for sure.

She also over reacts a lot and will be hurt over simple arguments sometimes. That is why i avoided arguing a lot; I was afraid of hurting her then losing her.

I miss the good times; we were a family.

Yesterday was fairly quiet. I think my wife has fully moved on from me now, it hurts, a lot. I cried this morning in the shower, I miss the old her and my stepson so much.

I feel like she has decided not to love me, whether she does or not, and refuses to hangout in fear of her feeling something again. Else I do not understand why she is not ready to hangout but yet is already latching onto someone else.

She has yet to finish her paperwork; for someone who wanted this done ASAP two weeks ago she is sure dragging her feet. I don't get it.

I asked if she would be available Friday after 3 pm to drop it off but she is ignoring me now. I don't get it.

Now the paperwork is not a big deal. I just want her out of my life at this point so I don't have to deal with her.

I love her deeply but this person is not her.

If she hasn't filed the paperwork yet are you able to?

I'm three months out from my breakup and I'm finally moving on. I get this feeling, I love who my ex was and always will but the person I've known for the last 6 months is not the same. It's like the great girl I knew died.

Anyway I can't imagine her contacting me when bored, I don't think her pride would allow it and she has plenty of online friends to distract herself with. Maybe when she feels hopeless, we will see but I also hope I never do have to.

No she has to put her info into the sheet. She was all pissed off and gungho about this. Now it's whatever to her.

I don't even know why she ignores me then talks to me it's juvenile. Should I ask her if she's upset? Seems a bit pushy.

I feel like I need to address her behavior; reaching out to me when sad and down and ignoring me most of the other time.

Has anyone found this to be positive for themselves? I need to set boundaries but maybe waiting until she does it again and address it is the best course of action.

I am having a very hard time accepting that it is over. I really need to apologize as I feel horribly guilty for blaming my ex for so much now that I realize my own issues. However; her behavior after leaving was basically unacceptable in my eyes, dragging my heart through the mud by giving me hope. Now she is cutting me out of her life except when she needs a shoulder to cry on it seems.

I cannot believe she went from thinking we had hope to no interest in a mere 2 weeks but that is what BPD or related issues (If she has BPD even) will do I am learning.

If you feel you need to apologise then write her an email or send her a letter.

Before you do this though you need to be clear what your end game is. Is it going to be a "I realise my part in all of this and I am truly sorry it didn't work out. I hope that one day you can meet someone who makes you happy".

Or will it be "Im sorry for my behaviour. I realise it wasn't healthy or helpful and would like to workon it if you will give me another chance".

With the later you must realise that you are basically accepting her behaviour and are willing to change yourself and put up with it. Is this what you are willing to do?

You must also realise that just because you may want it to work doesn't mean that she does.

I am apologizing to right a wrong and to help me basically, I need to tell her I understand my own flaws in our relationship. It's mostly purely selfish but I am a person that needs to right my wrongs or I will hold onto the shame forever.

She has told me she doesn't think we will ever work out, but she said that before and then told me opposite and then told me that we wouldn't workout. So I have no hope for reconciliation, even if I want it. I will not be asking for another chance, if she wants to try again she needs to approach me.

I am changing myself because the issues I have, have ruined most of every relationship or budding relationship I have had. I look back at my behavior during my marriage and other relationships and notice that I have a very intense fear of abandonment and attachment. I completely lost myself in my marriage, holding down my needs and expressing only what fear would let me, if that makes sense.

However, I initially blamed her heavily for leaving and never telling me what was happening to her, despite me asking. She also lied to me, saying we would go to counseling then leaving when hysterical then saying she was being stubborn and we'll try then going back to not trying.

I am not the same as I was three months ago. I am working on realizing when I am holding back my own needs and putting up a front of what I think others want.

Its very eye opening isn't it.

I had never heard of co dependency. Before all of this I wouldn't even have acknowledged it if it had been suggested to me. I now see my own behaviour and what I must do to resolve it. Its not an over night thing but at least I can now realise when I am slipping into it.

I sent my exgf an email apologising for my behaviour. For not listening to what she was trying to tell me. This was before I even heard of BPD and co dependency. Luckily reading it back many months later I had covered everything I wanted and in a manner that was right.

Did she ever respond to you?

My ex will respond, we were best friends and I believe she still feels pretty guilty about what she did. I understand why she did what she did; how she left I do not understand. A few days before she left I was the one she wanted to be with and I was amazing. A day before she left I was worth fighting for and figuring this out.

Then a switch flipped and she ran.

I feel a bit used as well; she was untreated when we met and we went through so much, I was there through thick and thin, supporting her in all her endeavors and health issues. All of that, everything we have been through, our friendship, our bond was not worth it to her. I know she tried hard throughout our relationship to get me to open up and tell me what she wanted but I did not listen, sometimes on purpose to avoid conflict. When we finally talked about it, she left.

All I got was a thank you for the email.

Ah that is probably all I would get as well.

I sent her a letter I wrote early on after she left, but it was long and rambling and did not tackle my issues.

I need to stop obsessing over her though, while she was great there are other people out there too. I'm not sure I'll ever find someone that I related to and got along with as much as her but I do not know.

Taking into consideration mirroring. Where you getting along with her or your own reflection?

I believe it was her, she didn't morph herself to have similar interests or personality traits. We already shared common interests when we met, that's how we met actually.

As for personality traits, we both had similar traits; except we both changed over time, me less myself and her a different person after her medication. She fell out of love when I lost myself and became, basically, what I thought I should be to make sure she didn't leave. Obviously highly detrimental to a relationship but we both had a hand in it.

Our relationship was very secure and I thought we would be together forever; in fact she was making plans for us right before she left. It's so confusing, something clicked and she ran. I think her therapist convinced her she doesn't really love me so she told herself that; I'm not sure what to believe, only she knows, but her avoidance of me is very strange.

Ummm... .we texted a bit yesterday. She was making casual conversation with me and invited me over for a beer and to see her son.

That was out of nowhere... .completely out of nowhere. I could not go because of an eye appt. but what? She just didn't want to see me last weekend now invites me over?

Any thoughts on this? Should I see her if she asks again?

No contact from her all weekend, that is unusual, especially since she invited me over Thursday for a beer and to see her son. I'm fairly confused, the Sunday before she told me she wasn't "there yet" when I mentioned meeting up sometime.

I reached out once via text, saying it was a beautiful day out. She never responded.

I guess I don't understand her or really people in general. Is she keeping me around for some reason?

Hi Polis

Its hard to understand the push pull behaviour. I wish I could tell you what is behind it.

How are you feeling about interacting with her now?

Well I have learned some interesting news about how she acted with her ex when we were married. From a very close source I have learned some unsettling information about how my ex tried to drive a wedge between her ex and his now fiance.

She never even wanted him back, but was an extremely jealous person.

I feel like I want to approach her and ask her to lay out, in the open, everything she had done when we were married. She never cheated or anything but yet did some inappropriate things. She never told me because, I am guessing, she was terrified I would leave.

I still love her and don't know what I am going to do if she does talk to me again. I doubt she will unless it's about the paperwork.

I am upset how she behaved with her ex, trying to meddle in his relationships and get a rise out of him. She is on medication and in therapy now but she never told me that.

Hi Polis

I have seen this behaviour first hand from my ex wife and read about it many times.

I like to think of it as a child with toys. They have a new shiny toy that's the best one ever. After a while it becomes boring. Its not what they had hoped it to be. They see a new shiny toy and the old one is put in the toy cupboard. Every now and again they open the toy cupboard and have a look. Occasionally they will get the old toy out and play with it. Its fun at first but then they remember the disappointment with it. It goes back into the cupboard. They may not want to play with they toy but they also don't want anyone else to.

Yes that may be it, exactly.

She was not a healthy person, more than just potential BPD. She never lets an ex go, ever, but her ex before me had stronger boundaries and knew what was happening.

I did not, unfortunately. She wanted to be perfect in my eyes and tried hard to be.

I want her back but I don't know how that is even possible.

Still no paperwork. I am wondering if she is just being lazy or having second thoughts or just using me for insurance. Although it still lasts for like 30 days after it's filed.

I'm not sure what is going on and I don't really care to reach out to ask right now. It's been four days of NC so far, today will make the 5th.

My ex wife dragged out the divorce and only sped things up when it suited her. Maybe at the moment filing isn't a priority to her. She may be having second thoughts, she may be stalling for a more advantages time or she may just have not got around to do it yet.

Was she expedient with other things or did you have to chase her up?

She filled out the paperwork within days and filed within a week. All she has to do now is fill out one sheet.

She even asked me if I wanted to have it done right away? I said no I guess it doesn't matter.

I know I'm saying this and I'll check my email later and it'll be there lol. That is my life.

As I predicted, she sent the final papers. That's painful at least she didn't text me.

I don't know how to cope well.

So strange... .I emailed her a picture of our dog in response to the paperwork she sent.

All of a sudden she starts texting me, asking what I'm up to. Telling me she is alone, bored, no roommates are home and has no car. I could tell she was fishing for me to invite her to do something or hangout. I didn't even ask her what she was doing and avoided inviting her to do anything since I had plans which included her (ex?) best friend she is no longer talking to.

Then she tells me about her medication, how they tried to cut it by too much again and she had withdrawal. That is what has happened to her the last few days, with Monday being horrible. I told her that if she ever needs someone to be there if that happens to hit me up and at least we can talk. I am just offering. I hope she feels better today and am glad she was able to correct her medication quickly.

Unfortunately, her medication is not good for her physical health. The doctor tried to cut it before by a smaller amount and she had withdrawal. I'm not sure what they expect with cutting it an even higher amount.

Anyway, I texted her to feel better today and I'm dropping my dog off for her playdate. She responded immediately, was opening up about how stressed out she is and feels controlled by her friend who owns the house she lives in. I didn't delve into that far but she is not doing great.

I don't even want to know how her friend is being controlled. I just sympathized with her and she had to start work.

Her friend that she no longer talks to thinks she is potentially conflicted about what she did and may be realizing she made a mistake. This was a different sort of conversation then we had in the past. No conflict, no arguing just discussion.

Any thoughts on this? Our conversation this morning was particularly unexpected, telling me about how stressed she is.

I am over-analyzing I am sure but I miss her so much, it's painful, so I know I read into things. The fact is she eventually sent the paperwork, although she didn't ask about it.

I don't know, she seems... .herself almost. She still does seem depressed but I dunno.

Hi Polis

I don't want to get your hopes up as I know you still love your wife. I also don't want to dash them.

We can read into things what we want to see. The fact that your wife was friendly and not raging at you may mean that she has regrets. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to still go through with the divorce though.

Even in normal relationships we can still have feelings for someone but realise that it may never work out. With BPD this can be intensified. Although you may forgive her for how she treated you she may never forgive herself. Being with you could be a constant reminder of how badly she behaved.

That's true, Enlightened. I am obviously not on the same page as her in terms of us never being able to workout. This separation has let me grow a lot.

I figured she still wants to go through with the divorce; I just don't understand her behavior and wish her meds were actually being reduced instead of constantly trying and failing with large cuts. Honestly I feel that her meds contributed to what happened; she even admitted her feelings were changed.

I need to live in reality. My friend has convinced me that I should not have a pre-determined idea of the future but that right now it is unlikely that we can reconcile.

I'm confused as to if she is telling me how she is doing and her issues to get me to delve further or just venting.

Mostly I am just venting; I need to remind myself to not have hope and whatever happens, happens.

It could be any number of reasons. She may be trying to get sympathy so you don't feel mad at her for filing. It may be she doesn't want you to be mad at her because she values you and doesn't want what you had to be tainted. She may just feel comfortable talking to you. Who can really say.

You are correct Enlightened, only she knows why she is talking to me like she is.

I am doing a little better today, this has been one of the first times we actually talked without her making me feel like crap. It is just nice to be able to talk a bit, although I am not going to text about anything heavy anymore. I think texting is not a great form of communication anymore, it did not help our breakup.

12:30 a.m. on Saturday I get a text and call from her. I didn't answer it but responded about an hour later.

We text the next day, she is not doing well. Apparently another person dumped her she thought were perfect for each other. She is spilling her feelings to me, saying how she feels crushed, sad, etc... .and she is not going to date for a while, just get herself together (yea heard that before).

She kept asking me what I was doing, I'm not sure if she is fishing to do something w/ me or what but through out the day she responds less and less, I figured she would.

Why reach out to me? She even said she knows it's not super for me hearing that.

Ugh... this is tough. She is in a bad place, had to quit one of her jobs where she worked nearly full time and now is whining about losing yet another guy.

Any input? I don't understand her behavior. She knows that telling me about being dumped is not really appropriate but has no one else to talk to I'm guessing.

I'm trying to be there for her as I can without damaging my own sense of self, but her behavior is so... .odd. Is she that lonely she needs to talk to her ex?

I'm actually worried she is going to slip backwards, mentally, now that she is going to be making less money and is sad, as always when she contacts me. I don't want to just cut her off... .I don't know if I can as a person.

Hi Polis

Ive seen this with my ex wife and once again Im painted black because her life is going swimmingly.

I think the important thing for you is to realise you are not responsible for her. Its not your fault her latest relationship is over. Its not your fault she quit her job. In some ways she is treating you like a parent and wanting you to step in and make it all better.

I understand you still have feelings for her and also because your a caring person wouldn't want to see anyone going through hurt.

Sometimes we just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes. If your that worried about her then is there any family you can contact?

Her family is nearly worthless to her, when support is concerned. They don't understand what she has gone through and rarely help when she talks to them.

She lives with her friend, but my ex said her friend is too controlling when they talk. She ditched her best friend and another close friend, won't let them make amends.

She has few people to talk to, I guess I am it I have no idea. I want to see her in person to see how she really is doing, her texting could be masking reality or she could be doing ok.  

I need to tread carefully; she is doing the push/pull thing with communication. I never thought about the parent thing, our relationship was like me being a caretaker much of the time. It was unhealthy for us.

Her friend being too controlling probably means she didn't like what she was being told.

Im having a problem with my ex wife. My sons don't want anything to do with her. She has been given lots of advice on how to bridge the gap and rebuild the relationship. She has ignored it all and made things worse. My MIL is complaining that she has to listen to her daughters moans all the time but se does nothing to show her daughter her errors. She reinforces her feeling that she has done nothing wrong.

By rescuing her will you be reinforcing her behaviour?

Does she actually need rescuing?

She doesn't really need rescuing, I guess. I thought maybe she grew recently, but she still thinks every person she dates is so perfect for her. She did that to me.

I just want to know what the heck she wants; the whole thing where she ignores me then talks to me then ignores me is so juvenile. Just tell me if you don't want to talk.

The problem is she is acting on her feelings. She feels she needs you. She feels she doesn't. You cant control how she is feeling from one moment to the next and in all honesty she probably cant either.

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