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I have been struggling with no contact ... .she has not talked to me in 28 days I last reached out 2 weeks ago... .I have never felt a burning in my chest before but since he left me via text message and her brother dropping off our engagement ring. I have been a mess. I had so much anger during the relationships due to confusion but now I have no anger and can't stop thinking about her... .she was a text book npd BPD... .she triangulated me towards the end but it all happened so fast ... .I wanted to fight for our relationship but when they don't respond to anything it has to be over. I keep holding on to the date we were engaged which is next month like she's gonna Stapp out of this and realize she made a mistake... .I realize it hopeless... .I want to move on with my life but the life i had 2 months ago... .I can't ago accepts t it's over  why would i want the abuse i went through... .why would i want someone that did this to me... .she was a different person throughout 3 years of our relationship completely commited planning a wedding together. ... then 3 weeks she fellife off and went into a downward spiral... .I tried to fight it and be there for her but in the end she left me with a text message now you have closure... .need help i thought she loved me more that anything ... .

Hi standingtall

Im sorry your having a hard time at the moment.

Once the anger is over it can leave you feeling drained. This can leave you feeling week and wanting to reach out. When I felt like this I had to remind myself of how I felt. The walking on eggshells, the not speaking as I dare not open my mouth because everything I said was wrong and how being with my ex was the loneliest time of my life.

Some people make a list and refer back to it when they want to reach out.

Hang in there Standing Tall.

Its a misery and the pain can be excruciating. Sorry to see you going through it.   

It will get better. It just will. There is a good life after BPD.

Yes, it might seem that the antidote to the pain is going back in. You are clearly fond of her, and I know its hard to think of it this way but in my opinion she is doing you a massive favour by breaking it off before marriage. I like many others here, married our BPD's during the idolisation phase only for it to turn to hatred over time and after children. It's not pretty, at all.

Have you got a counsellor or a therapist to talk to about your next steps?

Dear Standing Tall,

I'm assuming that the name you have chosen is what you'd like to be ... someone who Stands Tall and is proud of who they are ... ?

And so you should.

No Contact is tough ... it isn't to be taken lightly ... No Contact is for you ... if you confuse No Contact with Silent Treatment or ostracism ... it isn't going to help you much. So, think about why you are attempting No Contact and what you are trying to achieve. Sit quietly and ask yourself ... and then trust what arises.

No Contact is you making a stand ... and Standing Tall ... resolute that you are significant and have limits to which ... once crossed ... you don't accept and will not go back on.

It isn't wise to label someone with a personality disorder who hasn't been clinically diagnosed. It may be true ... it may not. The truth is ... when we assign a label to someone's behaviour we tend to exonerate ourselves of any wrong doing ... paradoxically we paint ourselves white (to feel better about ourselves ... and the other black to relinquish any responsibility we may have contributed to a poor relationship match).

Fighting for a relationship requires that the was a relationship in the first place ... and it is honourable to want to do so ... however, ask yourself ... was it a relationship ... and did you really want what was offered?

The text message 'now you have closure', when there has clearly not been closure  is just another trap where you'll spend hours, days, weeks, months swimming around in cognitive dissonance questioning your own sanity.

She may very well have loved you ... in her own way ... the best she could give ... but not the love you NEED or the type of love you will be happy with.

You write like a stand up chap ... so go find a stand up lady.

You feel hopeless because you feel you can't control things ... if you make a conscious effort to not control things ... hopelessness vanishes like a ghost.

I'm quite sure ... when you get a grip of yourself ... that you'll wonder why on earth you thought this person was so interesting that you felt a need to hang on so tightly ... you'll be laughing your socks off very soon.

I wanted what was offered but i wanted it on a terms that were portrayed at times... .i was abused i know it confidently i was isolated in the end she made a turn towards a different person one i did not know one i was not proud of... .i did not sleep with her once but was devoted to a future that ultimately did not happen her family was NPD ever trait they pushed us away an made us live separate lives... .i want her to do what was best for the relationship but her family's fear caused her to crumble... .she triangulated to a friend of mine who was terrible and she knew it but ended up running to him as if everything else will fall into place... .5 days before her left me she wrote me a note saying how proud she was to be called my fiancee an how much she loved me and wanted me there forever--- the dramatic decline of herself doign drugs and ruining our relationship to push me away i would have fought for her but she returned the ring and i had to walk away she cutt me off  clean an mean ... .i dont think she will ever try to contact me again she has done it with close friends in the past but she never said she didnt want us untill the end ... .she was stressed an broke down an turned into a perdon i wasnt proud to be with after 3 years ... .she caused problems with everyone... .they were all happy to see her go i look deep inside myself an feel like i was the only one she ever trusted on a level to show her real self to... .when i would push back an say i dont wnat things to be like this she would say i dont either i am not myself right now... .i said its ok we either do this together or we dont and she choose not to do it anymore with me 5 days after paying for a wedding and the same day she said she loved me so much and wants to fix herself an us... .she has since found new supply and not contacted me if its really over i accept it, i dont see how we change the future i dont see how we can be together after everything but the no contact hurts and i want to give her a chance to make things better we were engaged 11 months and i know im lucky we weren't married but marriage would have been different because she is very religious an wouldn't have accepted a divorce  -- we would have been able to live our lives together as one  for once... .she just didnt want that or wasnt ready even thought she acted an took my mom an aunt to look at wedding dresses... .could the triangulation cause that much doubt  in someone that they would run away obviously here it did... .she cutt me off like surgically deleted an blocked me from everything no responses when i tried to give her chances to fix the damage no one thought she was stable and noone liked her that i was close with