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I moved myself to the "Staying" board months ago.  I have been using tools and techniques I have learned in books and here in the lessons to keep volatile situations from escalating with my uBPDh.  Probably learning not to JADE has been the most helpful.  I found myself in familiar situations, but was able to keep from making things worse and that had a positive effect. 

However, I am exhausted. I still walk on eggshells quite a bit.  Even though i feel better equipped to deal with outbursts and anger, it is just not what i want for the rest of my life.

My spouse has had two recent surgeries.  I have been helping him with his recovery.  For almost a month with this most recent surgery, he has not been able to drive himself and his activities have been limited.  I took off work for several days to help and went back he became more able to handle things at home. 

Now he is angry with me and has totally rewritten history on how helpful i have been.  Now, in his words i have done nothing, i don't care, pushed him to do things he can't, etc. etc.  he has been to PT and for post surgery check and he is ok.  I am putting this mildly, his accusations involve cussing and name calling.

When I came home from work one evening recently, he expressed how excited he was to see me.  We chatted and i made the mistake of looking briefly at Facebook.  He got angry and said he was nothing to me, etc., etc.  quickly went to F you. 

It was rude of me to look at FB instead of concentrating on him, but i closed it and tried to right the situation but no.  For three days he has been calling me names, saying he hates me, etc. etc. 

This morning he wakes up and starts to chat with me as if nothing has happened. 

Several weeks ago, we went to a b'day party and our adult daughter rode with us.  i drove.  he complained about my driving on the way.  i wanted to get gas and he didnt think we needed it.  On the way home, we went through a construction zone and i made a wrong turn.  he was trying to tell me which lane to get in, but he was yelling and it was dark (now I am JADEing to myself!). I made a wrong turn and had to circle back around the block and try it again.  He started calling me a stupid b***ch and saying see how your mom cant drive but thinks she knows everything? to our daughter.  she changed the subject because she knows how he is.  she is upset with me because She thinks I allow him to treat me that way.

In decades of marriage this scenario has been repeated over and over.  I used to think i had really done something wrong.  Now I understand that it is a disorder that causes this over the top reaction.

I have been in therapy. He wouldn't go to MC, thought I had turned the counselor against him and it was a setup.  Doesn't want to explore FOO issues with therapy. 

I just don't want this in my life anymore.  Even if i know the names he yells at me don't fit, it has worn me down.  I don't have any friends that I want to talk to this about.  My two closest friends are great, but I can't just dump this stuff on them. 

I feel isolated, aggravated and just over it.  I am not financially able to leave without selling our home.  I don't want to stay with friends or family - been there and done that.

It has been difficult for me to make myself exercise, join a book club or pursue activities that don't include him because he is possessive of my time.  I have a hard time standing up to his anger.

Thoughts, comments, suggestions? 

It's great that you are in therapy! Can you ask your therapist to help you come up with a plan? Of things you can do to make YOU feel better, whether you stay or leave. You say it's hard for you to join groups because he is possessive, but maybe you just need to do it anyway? Things got some better in my marriage, because I stopped always putting him first, and started treating ME way better. I couldn't let my life revolve around him and this issue he has.

I got in therapy, got a plan, do things I enjoy, but am still trying to stay in the marriage, but I'm done being the one trying too hard. I don't need him to be happy, and I have a lot of things I enjoy doing, with or without him. It's easy to become isolated when you are married to someone with a personality disorder, and it becomes a way of life to walk on eggshells.

Can you try to not take what he says so personally? I know it's hard, but can you view him as you would a three year old having a tantrum? I'm getting better at doing that, but like you, I'm just not sure I want a lifetime of doing it. Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to, you know? So, I get where you are coming from.

My husband is in DBT, but he's still not displaying much change, and my expectations are LOW. I've learned to expect very little, then I'm not hugely disappointed, and anything good that happens, I can just enjoy.

Can you set a boundary in regards to some of your husband's verbal abuse? Can you leave his presence when he's calling you names?

Hi Ceruleanblue,

Thanks so much for your response.  Sometimes it is comforting just to know that another person understands my struggles.  I know that many here do understand.  So much of what others post is familiar to me, too.

You have hit on two of the most difficult things for me.  #1 - For so long, i have tried everything to keep from making my husband angry.  Tried to look perfect, be the perfect partner, cook the right things (and truth is - I hate to cook!) what a relief to know that I am not really the cause of his anger.  Still, the habit is ingrained over many years and is a hard one to break.  I dread his anger.  I really fear things getting out of control and it is near impossible for me to do something that I know will make him angry. 


#2 - When he is in a good mood, it is easy for me to be happy.  When he is upset, it is very difficult for me to be happy.  Consequently, I have not strengthened my other relationships because I have spent most of my time working on my marriage.  I really hate to admit this, but the only time I have felt the need to have close friends has been when he is angry.  That is sick!  So I am isolated.

I am friendly, but tend to be an introvert.  Most of my hobbies are solitary.  I don't mind spending time by myself.  But, there are times when I want to just hang out with friends. So i need to cultivate those friendships.

Congratulations on taking better care of yourself and enjoying your life more.  You are courageous.

I think your problem is you have let things go too far and the unacceptables have become the acceptable. For example,

1. you should let him know nicely and firmly that you don't appreciate him calling you a b*, in front of your daughter. Let him know the next time it happens he needs to apologize or he will walk home. ANd you do make him leave the car the next time he uses that word again.

2. You have become a co-dependent person, whose happiness is based solely on him. Consequently, he is in total control of you, of your mental and physical well being.

3. You are financially dependent on him, so you do not dare to stand up for yourself for the fear of losing the financial base. Well, think about starting your own career.

  onceconfused.  You are right.  I have accepted a lot of behavior from my spouse that I would not from anyone else. I appreciate your insight.

I have set boundaries with name calling.  He knows it is unacceptable.  It seems to happen more in the car because it is a confined space.  Or my driving is bad!  Not really, my driving skills are formiddable!  Kidding aside, i don't know if i could make myself stop the car or leave him behind even with terrible behavior. 

I have a careeer and in fact make a good living on my on. Love my career and have been successful.   I am codependent in this relationship for certain. 

My happiness is too tied up in his moods.  I am working on that.

Came in to the rs not even knowing what a boundary was.  It is a difficult concept for me to grasp. 

Hey Mustbeabetterway, I have been in your shoes and can relate.  Lugging around someone else's emotional baggage is exhausting; of course you're tired.  Yet you are not responsible for your H's well being.  You're denying and abandoning yourself, I would suggest, through care-taking, rather than caring for yourself.  It's time to put down the baggage.  It's OK to lighten the load.  Stop looking for your worth and value from the outside and start sourcing it from within.  It's your job to love yourself.  Can you honestly say that you love and accept yourself?  If not, then maybe you have work to do, my friend.

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim,  good to hear from you again.  Of course, you are right.  I am going to redouble my efforts of taking care of myself.  I do love myself.  Now i need to put that into action.  Thanks for the encouragement.  PwBPD seem to need so much and it has been unending. 

I have had the reputation as a "laid back" kind of person, but I don't feel it anymore.  Feel tossed about.  It has taken so long to figure out that I have been reacting to his emotions and letting them rule me.  I defintely have work to do.


Mustbe

Hello again, Mustbe, It is unending, as you note, which is why I'm urging you to take better care of yourself.  I got to the point where there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, which I don't recommend.  A good starting point is loving yourself, which you are already doing, so it's just a matter of following through.  Many positive benefits flow from this simple concept, as I can confirm.

LuckyJim

I have been patient, enduring this verbal abuse for too long.  I have been trying not to take it personally, but just cannot take it anymore.  I have reached my limit.  Today driving to work I felt physically ill.  The push and pull is more than i can live with. I don't want to go home.  Not sure what to do next.

In the past, i have been ready to leave hoping he would realize how serious I am.  Now I need to leave for my well being. 

Feeling sad and sick.

Hi Mustbe, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.  I know the feeling of not wanting to go home.  It is hard not to take it personally when the attacks are aimed at you, even though caused by the disorder.  In order to protect yourself, you may need to employ better boundaries until you figure out what is the right path for you.  Start by taking care of yourself, I suggest, rather than care-taking your H.  Listen to your gut feelings.  If verbal abuse starts, leave the room.  If that doesn't work, leave the house.  I think you will feel better once you start to take some proactive steps to counteract the BPD poison.

LuckyJim