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What do you see in yourself today that you've seen in yourself your whole life, no matter the ups and downs? What are the basic most important building blocks of who you are? I was thinking about how the choices we make stem from these specific parts of ourselves. They're who we are and how we see. The reasons we react the ways we do, feel we can contribute, etc. Is it a survival thing? A more relaxed form of curiosity? We're drawn to what we're drawn to, but, why? Where is that coming from? What compels us to go there?

In short? Core values. My attachments (son, father, etc... .) are roles that I play. My values are what drives me from the center.

I second turkish, i feel like my principles are pretty unshakeable. I mean there are certainly things i have done in my past that im not to proud of but in the end i like to think i treat people fairly and give them a fair shake so to speak.

Hey myself,

Great question!

I forgot who I was for a while there in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.  Not fun.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  It was a frightening experience to lose touch with myself.  Fortunately two kind friends and a family member intervened when things got really bad for me.

I would say that there was always a pilot light in my core that continued to burn even while the stove was off, so-to-speak.  I pretended things were OK in my marriage when things were definitely not OK.  No more.

Now divorced, I strive to be authentic, to pursue an increasingly genuine existence.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are," which I find a worthy goal.

LuckyJim

This is an interesting question.  Are you suggesting we all have an impulse within us towards "that which we are"?  Like the man I met recently who is an entrepreneur (startups, real estate etc.) who said when he was a school-age child, he bought donuts in boxes of 12 from a local bakery, for 15 cents each, and sold them to his friends at school for 25 cents each... .which was cheaper than the 30 cents for an individual donut, and an advantage to the bakery as well because they would not have sold those donuts otherwise?

The first thing that comes to mind is a sense of humor. It's definitely been part of the best times, and has also helped me get through the worst. It's just there, it's who I am. Sometimes it's a defensive thing. Sometimes it's more relaxed and creative, and shared because there's such a lack of pain with it. The people I grew up with could be funny but weren't comedians, so I'm not sure how much of it was learned. It feels like it's hardwired, and thankfully is positive. Something that, looking back to when I was a kid up to now, has been a constant.

This is a great question, as one of my biggest sources of pain was the feeling that I'd lost myself, that the emotional abuse had torn strips out of me and left me a different person. Now I'm starting to see that this isn't the case. I am hurting but I am still me. I like the pilot light analogy, Lucky Jim.

I am a kind person. I think it's important to be generous, not just with money but with time and anything else I have. My faith is important to me. I'm determined (e.g. by persevering with my cello even though I have a motor coordination impairment that makes it hard for me to move my fingers). I have a sense of wonder and I appreciate the natural world, ballet dance, all sorts of things. I enjoy being out alone with nature and since the breakup I've been out walking more, something I couldn't do so much when my ex was around. I'm creative. I'm also brave (the past few months alone would be enough to show me that). Finally, I love to laugh and I've been realising how rarely I got to do that in my relationship - the first time I really fell about laughing after all that devastation was like waking up after being in a deep freeze for a while. That sense of humour is still there.