BPDFamily.com

Hello, Harvest Moon here,

I found the articles here useful, so I decided to join the forum. My SO and I have always had a rocky road, filled with blameful accusations, defensiveness and not talking for periods of time.

Anout two months ago I told her I wanted a divorce and offered a plan in which I could live in the basement while we saved money and she returned to school. A month later, after an argument in which she raged , she had me arrested for domestic violence. She filed a restraining order. While she did drop her criminal charges, she then filed for divorce.  I have seen our two beautiful children twice now, but our life as we know it has been uprooted.

I have made many mistakes along the way which I regret. The suffering I have endured has lead to an awakening. I was self-righteous and prideful, I was unforgiving and unskillful.

I am now working at changing myself. I am still hopeful that the attraction of divorce as a solution has served as a wake up call to her as well. So many of my distractions have fell to the wayside. I haven't drank and today I threw my tobacco away. My goal is for us to be a healthy family together and having taken it for granted, I think it's worth working for. Already we have accomplished a level of working together. None the less, I also need to start accepting the glaringly real possibility that divorce is imminent. It is the most painful experience I have begun to endure and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Hi ,

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Divorce is painful at any time, it is a hundred times worse with a BPD partner because you have attachment trauma,  when I was in the process of breaking up myself I would get a panic attack and then once I decided to stay it would feel like euphoria and then the cycle would start again arguing, raging and then being a saint again very unsettling emotionally like a roller coaster with despair. I hope that you heal and it is good that you are looking after yourself.  Keep busy and try to spend time with your friends and family, they will reflect the true image of you back at you not a distorted one.  I hope everything works out for you.