BPDFamily.com

BPDh has been better fairly recently, as in a week or so, and we've managed to have a couple talks without his dsyregulating. One of those talks has been about DBT, and also our MC. I don't feel we are getting anything out of it, and in fact here are some things I find really annoying about MC:

1. I feel that because MC doesn't feel he can get through to BPDh, or at least, BPDh is more resistant to change, the focus becomes all about ME, and I've come to resent that.

2. Our MC, seems to practice in  his own life a lot of skills I really admire, but his advice does not line up with that ,and he often cites "second marriages" don't follow these rules type crap. I totally disagree with that. My personal therapist also found this to be a huge double standard.

3. I'm in a sometimes physically abusive marriage, and I've been told, and have recently researched it, that MC is NOT GOOD for those of us in MC. I have to agree.

4. Our MC goes off on long tangents, that we both find pretty boring. I really like him, but we don't go there to hear about his life.

Due to these issues, some of which I raised with BPDh, we've decided we'll probably stop going. Our marriage has not gotten better due to any of our time in MC, so why continue? I've gotten a little out of it, at times, but I'm getting so much more out of my personal therapy, and I'll continue that.

I'm hoping once BPDh gets through DBT, that we may have better results and we can try MC when it will be BOTH of us working on the marriage, and not just me.

Thoughts?

Oh, I forgot to add that BPDh is considering doing group DBT, as that seems to be more extensive than what he's in now. His T said he couldn't do that until he's no longer in MC, or seeing his old, individual therapist(he only sees her once a month, and I'd be happy if he stopped seeing her, as in four years, he got worse under her "therapy).

I'm all for this, and think he might get more out of group, and I'm hoping he'll be more likely to do the work, or maybe participate. I mean, he could always go back into individual DBT later... .

Do you think group DBT or individual is better?

 

Can you have this discussion in MC?

Lay it all out and see if MC has ideas for new routes of treatment.

FF

BPDh and I both sort of decided that this week might be our last, but we could do what you suggest. I really, really like our therapist as a person, but I just don't feel he's preaching what he himself practices. He'll give all these examples of his own life, and actions, then he'll discount it and say it doesn't apply in our marriage? I don't see how laying out what we expect/want from MC will change that.

Plus, I just feel he totally has the wrong take or tactic on a huge issue for us: dealing with BPDh's adult kids. He's basically advising BPDh to keep doing what HAS NOT worked for four years. I'm of the mind if "nothing changes, nothing changes", so this keep the status quo advice really upsets me. I've addressed it with MC, and gotten nowhere. He isn't advising BPDh to have any boundaries, or to stand up for his marriage, or even for himself. I'm sorry, but I just think that is really irresponsible advice. BPDh's kids are using his grandkids as pawns, and totally manipulating him, and being cruel to him, so this advice doesn't sit well with me at all. NO ONE, should treat anyone that way, even if it is your own kids.

I just don't think anything we say to this therapist is going to change his views of how we interact, or get us to communicate better. My personal therapist has said that in MC, the goal is to learn to communicate better, yet our marriage therapist never even has us communicate with each other in therapy.

I just don't think continuing to go is a good idea, which is sad, because I really like him, but we go to actually get help and get better, and we are just staying stuck. MC is way too costly to just stay stuck.

 

All excellent points to lay out for MC and ask how they fit... .or don't fit... .into his treatment plan.

Not unusual at all to start therapy with a treatment plan and then make adjustments.

Practicing good communication skills in therapy is an excellent idea.

There may be a valid reason why MC has avoided this up until now.  Only way to find out is to ask.

FF