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Hi was wondering if anyone could give me their experiences... .

What's the longest you've had to endure N/C with your BPD partner? What happened in the meantime. If they go 100% cold do they come back or is it hopeless?

Thank you

In nc,  probably will never contact her,  she only contacts me when she needs something, it turns to a recycle.  I would like one more.  Keeping figures crossed.  Only for closure.  Have a wonderful partner who will most likely be my wife.  Good luck.

More than month now ... .still cold -> I'm don't exist for her at this moment ... .we will see ... .

I have had a lot of silent treatments that became, in effect, NC.

4 months silent treatment from him. And me silent about 3 or so weeks, not a peep. That was at the tail end of the 4 months ST. I simply went quiet. Once he had that silence from me, it took about 3 weeks for him to pick out an email I sent months before I went quiet and respond to that.

It was a deeply painful place for me to find myself the many times it has happened. I learned that as long as I was chasing trying to get him to talk to me, the less he wanted to. He had the power and knew it. I stopped the persuit and when he realized ( I think) that I was actually able to walk off, he decided he wanted to talk.

Wow Daniell85 4 months is so long. You must be a very strong person to be able to cope with that. Btw what does ST mean?

Subm4tic I hope she will contact you soon

I feel myself wanting to call or r message and forcing myself to stop is challenging.

blackorchid : Yeah maybe she will contact, always when i contacted her before and chased aster her she pushed me AWAY so ... .can only wait - but ... .after 1 month I'm getting better - I don't know if she will contact me after 2 months I will still want her back ... .and want to talk with her ... .

Jim think I made the mistake this time of too much contact after he moved out.  But there was a lot of background things going on and I think I genuinely lost my mind this time. Al common sense is telling me not to contact him. But my pain is telling me just one message just one call.  Trying so hard but I moved countries for him and not too sure how long I can feasibly wait for him.  Family back home are aware-ish of the situation and want me to move home asap. 

I hope you get to talk to her soon subm4tic. I

blackorchid: we will see never know :) I don't want to contact her as I don't want to be pushed again.

Anyway its NO WIN SITUATION as if i will contact her she will tell me to stop or something else if I will not she will tell me that I don't care ... .:P

I think you need to wait as well and take your time don't phone don't write. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS - I was the same I wanted to call to write thinking If I don't do this i will lose her forever ... .:/ just one call just one text? That wasn't  good idea ... .

ST is silent treatment.

A little tool a lot of BPD use to expressed their anger at the non they are involved with.

I have been through many silent treatments with my boyfriend. Extended ones. Before I met him, I didn't know anyone who did them before. Ever. So when he started them, they kind of went past me and I didn't understand. After a while I asked him about them and he said basically he had panicked and didn't know what to do so he went silent.

Later I realized he knew how much they scared and hurt me, and he finally admitted he was deliberately doing them to exactly scare and hurt me. He was angry and wanted to punish me for whatever it was he was angry about.

Once I understood that, I was able to rein in my panic over them a lot and ease out of walking around in total agony while he does it. I feel some anger myself over his cruelty and I think to myself I will be darned if I let some mentally 6 year old spoiled brat holding his breath at me take me down to my knees again.

That's how I see it. he can hold his breath until he passes out for all I care. I just go do something else until he has gotten over his tantrum and wants to talk.

Sadly I have lost a lot of love, trust and respect for him in the process of this. :/

Hi Daniell85. I can totally relate with you about loosing love, respect and trust during this phase.  It's impossible for their actions not to affect us mentally and emotionally. 

The things you said that he said about ST totally resonate with me. A while again when my partner had a mild episode and was gone for a week. He said the same thing. I too hadn't seen this behaviour until I saw it from him.i hope you're situation will be resolved very soon.

Thank you subm4tic yeah my thought process was exactly the same. I'll try to stay strong and occupy myself until next weekend. I hope he calms down by then as I don't really want to return to an empty apartment. I'm back in my country for the week...   Thought it would give me some clarity but thus far not working... .

blackorchid: I hope He will talk to you soon.

ST from them its a hardest thing. But they are EX now yes?  heh

My ex is still cold and silent ... .don't care about anything ... .

At least Danielle's partner is aware of how he is using the silent treatment. My H always comes around after an episode as if nothing had happened. If I ask him about why he did it, he justifies by blaming me and gets into a rage all over again. So I have to remain silent about past silent treatments.

How long do they last? Two hours for a mild one, two days is medium, a week to ten days at the worst. This is in a married but long-distance (commuter) relationship. When you don't live with your pwBPD, the silent treatment can start to blend into a break-up, then you are not sure whether you're hoping for an end to the silent treatment or an actual recycle.

I feel a lot like Danielle, having lost some of the good feelings I used to have for the emotional tyrant in my life. I hope that your situation becomes less painful, black orchid. Have fun reconnecting to your life before you met him.

Hi SweetCharlotte. Id happily take ten days now. It's been three weeks and counting. Getting stressed as it's never been this long before or this extreme. Blocked and deleted on all social media. He's moved furniture out. Not sure if this means something different this time

Keep strong subm4tic

blackorchid: I'm in the same situation as you, she moved everything end moved back to her flat (we bought house befoer that as well) heh

The person in my life makes extreme use of the ST. We're talking periods so long I'm almost afraid to mention them here lest they scare you: 10 weeks (I ended that one by reaching out and apologizing for something i should not have apologized for, which I now cringe to think of--undermined my own position); 3.5 months before he sent a gift and offered to visit; 8 more months after I didn't welcome that with open arms. Currently in another such period, two months so far.

Agree with SweetCharlotte, these are de facto breakups of whatever the r/ship was before. Major control moves. It's super tough, and I'm sorry you're having to contend with the uncertainty. I'd say, make your own certainty. Assume life without him in it. Assume you are getting your own laptop, your own place, your own TV, your own life. By far the best approach no matter what he ends up doing next.

I wish it was that simple. I moved countries for him and every day in receiving more pressure by my family to move home. As I live abroad I can't get a credit card or store credit to buy things that easily.

Do people find they come back if and when something bad starts to happen in their lives?

will back or no never know, my didnt back

Hi blackorchid,

People who suffer with this disorder do share common traits.  Still since they are all individuals they tend to express those traits uniquely.    In other words, one size doesn't fit all.   

I wonder if you have found this lesson yet ?   what do you think?   

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0)

and I really like what patientandclear said, I think she was spot on.  the best thing you can do is


What I have found to be true for me, is that surviving in a relationship with a pwBPD means I need to be very comfortable with me and my limits, rock solid in knowing that I will be okay, regardless of how this relationship works out.    And putting some boundaries about that.  Boundaries can be emotional, or physical.   

What would you like to see moving forward?

'ducks

When my wife and I first separated, she gave me the ST for almost two straight months.  It was hell.  That was 15 months ago.  Now, she is learning it doesn't bother me.  It took a lot of work on my part.  The big thing I had to learn for myself is being ok with being alone.  I hated it as I never lived alone.  Now, I don't mind living alone and that has changed things in our r/s.

6 months ST. He typically returns when he hits rock bottom.

Thank you babyducks. The lesson about ST was very insightful. I have endured ST before, this time I'm panicked as he has packed EVERYTHING from our apartment and left.  I know that if if he comes back I will have to set a lot of very firm boundaries. I just can't see past the black hole that he's gone at the moment.  He's a professional footballer and has moved into the team camp accomadation. Even if he calms down and wants to move home , I'm not sure that he would even be allowed to move out from camp.

The reason I was asking about coming back when things go wrong with him was I thought the same as Beach_Babe and they tend to return when things hit rrock bottom.  He scored a triple in his opening match first within 2 minutes.  Yesterday he scored again and they drew.  I know in that camp arm he is the big man and his ego will be feeding off it.  I'm worried that this is a hindrance to him coming back to me.

The rationale going through my head just isn't normal any more.  Sometimes k feel like I'm the mental one.

MoroonLiquid did that result in a permanent separation ?

We have been separated for 15 months and she has filed for divorce but I think that was an extinction burst (she got hit hard by the IRS because she was dysregulating and ignored it) that I am leaving her with.  She is learning that it doesn't bother me and that I don't play her games anymore.  As I made clear to her, if you want a healthy r/s, I will be her and be glad to have one with you, if you go back to screaming, yelling, unhealthy behavior, I will cut off all communication.  I have stuck to that boundary for 5-6 months and it has made things so much better.  I refuse to talk about divorce either excep it came up last week when talking about insurance together.  But it stayed calm and was a healthy conversation.

Hi MaroonLiquid I hope that things will get to a happier place for you

I just passed the 12 month point and I have not heard boo from mine. Mine has gone to significant lengths to block me including manipulating lawyers and the police into threatening action against me if I try to contact her (incredible: she was successful in getting a cop to call me to insist that that filing a small claims case to recover property from her constituted 'contact', and even though there was no PPO or similar order, I was not allowed to 'contact' her 'just because'! This was a cop that she convinced to call me and, effectively, attempt  to cancel my civil rights!). She is avoidant to the extent that I actually believe her to feel REAL shame based fear to the extent that communication in ANY form with me is tantamount to a result more painful than death. I don't think I will ever hear from her again.

Meanwhile, I have a friend whose BPD partner returned to her a couple of weeks ago after a 13 month ST. She was fully convinced and accepted that her BPD would never return. Like many of the accounts here, she made the move only after she had experienced significant difficulty in her life.   

I'm sorry for the stress you are going through JRT

That's what worries me about they return when things go wrong.  He's a professional footballer.  Scoring every match at the moment and top of the league. I watch every week hoping he looses and thinking how twisted am I to bethunking like this.

I hope things improve for you very soon

Thanks! I'm pretty much out of the fog... .its a matter of time and distance... .you'll get there. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Thank you JRT

hi blackorchid,

Silent Treatment, No Contact and Devaluation all share some common components.  In the most clinical sense No Contact is a way to heal after a break up, the term gets used in a lots of ways though.   You read the link on Silent treatment and here is one on Devaluation or splitting.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

Splitting means extreme black and white thinking.   You are wonderful, the relationship is wonderful, things are white.   Something happens and you are completely to blame, everything is horrible, things are black.    According to experts in the field pwBPD "see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions".     

Because their emotions are labile, and likely to swing on things like the outcome of football matches, it's important to consider what you want, where your limits are, how much energy you are willing to spend on this relationship and where are the best places to spend it.   In other words, drive your own boat, and see if he will come along for the journey.   What this site is about is a place to come and work on your own journey.   It's a safe place to vent sure, but its also a place for self reflection and personal growth.

what do you think?

'ducks

Hi babyducks thank you. I think I'm feeling a bit trapped by the situation and how hard it's going to be when I fly home at the weekend end that was all getting on top of me, which led to me not enjoying the few days I hard back home

I think I realised today that it's right that I need to reflect on myself and why I let my emotions be so driven on him. I guess I need to switch my focus now and figure this out rather than trying to make sense of him as I guess I will never fully understand how he packed everything and left.

He has threatened it before. And I've Always told him if he was to do it that would be it, final straw. So maybe I have to stand by that. He knows that that was my biggest fear and the reason why I still give the agreed to marry him

 |iiii

step three over there in the lesson box is look in the mirror.   it's easy to get caught up in the drama.  I know I did.  I got so wrapped up in my partners thinking I lost track of my own.

any thoughts on why you let your emotions be driven by his?

5 years here, we werent together additional 3 years, but it was the moment when she wanted to come back and I literally shut the doors and didnt answer for anything for 2 weeks. After that she left for those years and I Never asked anyone about her.

I worked on my own issues, I worked on my career, had two gfs (both not really 'normal'. I either never considered myself normal, I used the 8 years to find out why.

Recently she recontacted in best possible moment (ofc for her), which is after my break up. I thought it wont do any harm, those years, plus I thought I still 'love' my recent ex, so I met her. She got me within few days, well, you see, we recycled... .

I dont know what you mean with "hope". Sure, they tend to recycle as hell. But is it hope? Maybe... .Every time I NCed in the earlier past she was always begging me to come back ; sometimes after a ... day (knock, knock), sometimes it took few months (sadly with 100% success rate - really stupid from my side, it was like 5 or 10 times - I dont remember), until I left abroad (coming home 1-2 per month), then she turned to other guys and after me coming back I have had the strenght to pull back for those years. Until now, as you read.

Right now Im mostly taking, letting to take care about myself. This is not as egoistic as it sounds, Im checking out if and how she changed herself. Im ready to leave anyday. I clearly communicated it. I think this all happens bc if we were both normal then we could be really wonderful pair, its huge attraction on both sides which wont burn out.

If you had this mutual attraction then the 'hope' is always there. It takes one eye contact and you Will get a call within a month.