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We have been broke up for a week and I was doing so well until last night. I broke the nc and woke up to a slew of messages about all the things I did in the relationship. Now I feel like a lot of it was my fault, I do have trust issues. I am just feeling alone and weak. I know I did the right thing by leaving but all it takes is that little bit of contact to get hooked into delusions again. My family isn't the most stable either, they're all addicts. I am just wondering if I am gravitated toward men with mental illness for some reason. My first boyfriend was schizophrenic.

Now I feel like this past ex with BPD just resents me. But then says things like "the last week was really hard no talking to you" and he even wrote my mother a long message about what he thinks is wrong with me and how I need help. I just wish I would have never wrote him. I really felt good before we started conversing again ugh.

I think of my breakup as a series of successive approximations to becoming single again. The first time I didn't even get out of the driveway before she was dragging me back. About the 4th time I was mostly gone for 6 months, but still talking on the phone. The final time I went full No Contact, and changed phone numbers. It's been 50 days already!

I accidentally made one of her favorite meals tonight... .Ooops! I didn't need those memories cause it makes me feel sad, lonely, and nostalgic. Oh well. Nothing changed in 13 years, I don't have any reason to believe that things would be different if I went back.

I sure am familiar with the strain of questioning my every motive, and thought, and emotion to see if it really is me that is the crazy one!

Hang in there Jinnymvp. There are valuable lessons that you can learn from anything that you might choose to do, or to not do. I wish that I would have learned my lessons a decade earlier than I actually did, but no sense crying over the past. I intend to fill my life with people that respect me and treat me decently at all times, and in all places, and regardless of the circumstances that we find ourselves in.

Hi jinnymvp,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate with trust issues. Don't be hard on yourself and take the lion's share of the blame. A relationship takes two people. 50/50.

Hey,

Mutt is correct. Relationships take two people. So even assuming that it's 50/50, your share of the blame is not necessarily caused by something you did wrong. I can try to explain what I mean. I dated my BPDex for 2.5 years. During this entire time she and my family never met and a fight began over who gets my time. I think I was blamed for the fighting as much as my family was. But my family was and is an integral part of who I am. How could I be blamed for that? My BPDex knew that my family is important to me. I acted in a poor manner towards my family many times, and for that I am to blame. But the essential thing here is that I could logically partition out what I did wrong. And that took me a lot of time.

It's not really fair for you to accept blame for who you are. I learned the hard way that you can't change people. Hoping someone will change is not making progress. People can bend a bit, but the fundamental personality will remain. Someone's character is just that - more or less set in stone, kind of like introverts and extroverts.

The other thing is that in my experience, I was blamed for a lot of stuff. But I think that tendency came from the BPD part. The logic traps that are used can really make you believe a lot of stuff. I certainly believed a lot of what I was blamed for. Now, ten months out, I can parse through the relationship with detachment. I can see how much I fell for. It was very hard to do that right after the breakup, so I don't encourage that right now. But just know that a lot of what was said could have been magnified.

Take some time to take care of yourself. Celebrate who you are. Analysing the relationship will come later, and you will learn more about yourself when you do, but it may be too much at the moment.