BPDFamily.com

Yesterday my husband, who I believe has BPD, got into a fight.  Why did this big fight happen?  Because I bought burgers for lunch and when I was taking his burger out of the bag, the burger fell apart inside the bag and I sighed and put my hand on my head.  Apparently this caused my husband so much stress that he went off the deep end.  Started yelling at me for stressing him out, he hit himself in the face, then a little after that while I was in the middle of changing our baby's diaper, he threw himself down the stairs!

He has never done this before, although we just moved to this new place (with stairs) about a month and a half ago and before that he never had stairs to throw himself down.

When I went to check on him and ask if I needed to call the hospital or something, he ignored me.  Then climbed back up the stairs and told me he was going to do it again, because it was "fun" and helped relieve his stress.  All of this in front of our baby.

I really think the whole problem was because our friends' got married yesterday and he was stressing about going to the wedding.  He spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, and stressed for weeks about what he was going to wear.  Once he finally realized we were running out of time to get ready to go to the wedding, he screamed at me to shower, which I did--while he was watching--and got dressed--again with him watching and yelling at me for not going fast enough.  Finally we got ready and were about to leave when he noticed I was planning to wear flats instead of heels.  He had another meltdown.  The facts that the wedding was at a winery (hard to walk on grass in heels), our friends are very casual, and I wanted to be comfortable for dancing were all irrelevant.  He forced me to put on heels, which I just did to get him to shut up and move on so we could leave and go be with our friends, because I knew as soon as he was around other people, he would act normal again, which he did.

Why am I even in this relationship?   I feel hopeless.  I tell myself I'm staying because I don't want to "punish" my husband by taking the baby away from him, but I am constantly questioning why I even care about his feelings when I should be caring about how much I am messing up our child by exposing her to a father who punches himself in the face and throws himself down the stairs.

Hi tm,

It seems to me that you are asking yourself questions that do need to be answered in all seriousness.

To me, refusing to stay in a relationship that could be very damaging to both yourself and your child is NOT punishing your husband but protecting you.

Love Lifewriter

Wow, tm006f, that's rough.  I know how confusing this is.  You have some serious questions to ask yourself.  Just remember, you don't have to take action today, tomorrow, or anytime soon.  Take a deep breath and make a careful decision.

In the meantime, I suggest really looking over the tools here, learning more about BPD, and doing your best to avoid exposure to his dysregulations.  There's nothing you can do to solve or soothe him.  Take care of yourself, and your child.  Show compassion, but try to not wade in too deep.  It's very easy to get too involved in his moods, and the end result is you being burnt out and depressed, too. 

I've certainly experienced similar behavior from my wife, and it's extremely difficult to separate myself from it.  I've seen her hit herself, binge eat and then force herself to puke, and other self-destructive behaviors.  And all of which she has tried to blame on me.  As you have discovered, the reason for the behavior almost always lies in something else that happened.  We just happen to be the targets of blame because we are around. 

 

tm006f,

I want to join max in encouraging you to look at tools and take plenty of time to decide things.

The questions you are asking are completely normal.  They are big questions.

I would like to point you in the direction of a couple lessons to look at first.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

I would not bring up the stair incident again with him.  However, I would think about how you are going to handle "acting out" in the house.

This is not about him.  It is about how you value YOURSELF and your BABY.

Boundaries will protect you, if properly implemented.

Hang in there... .looking forward to your next post.

 

FF

I totally agree with form flyer. Also, bear in mind that this is not just self-harm. This is violent self-harm. What do you do when violence breaks out, in order to protect yourself and your child? Whether you are in a shopping mall or at home, wouldn't you: A) remove yourself and the child from the immediate vicinity and B) call authorities and wait for help?

This kind of self-harm merits immediate hospitalization.

I am so sorry for you... .that sounds like something my husband would do! He was all stressed out over two weddings we went to... .one was his sisters. It was usually if it involved being around his Mother. Mine would act out over a messed up burger... .god forbid they gave me the order wrong! That was hell to pay for me! I won't tell you it's easy if you choose to leave. Mine didn't give me an option after bringing a woman into our bed on Xmas when I was at my sisters' since he wouldn't go... .It's hard when you love them, but the behavior is so awful sometimes that it's unbelievable the situations we have seen. Don't do it unless you really mean it... .I left once and came back... .it only made things worse! More abandonment issues! Take your time and ask him not to do these things in front of your child especially... .good luck.

I don't think that she should leave her home with the little one, Blue. I suggest that she has him taken out, via hospitalization, if he acts out on himself violently again.

For the sake of clarity: how many steps in the staircase? Carpeted or wood? Does he go all the way down?

That makes sense... .I had mine committed after a few incidences. Can't say it really helped because mine wouldn't do the work. Great idea for getting him help to stop acting out at the moment... .Tell him you are going to get help for him, just like you would do for someone suicidal... .

My wife engaged in self harm prior to and throughout over 12 years of marriage.  Cutting with knives and hooks, burning self on kitchen and wood stoves, punching walls and door frames.  Mostly, she has done it covertly, so I don't make a big deal of it, except to validate that she has those desires, but that I wish she would not do it.  The few times she has done it overtly so the kids know I had to tell or to knock it off or either she was going or I was going and that seems to work.  She says she does it to relieve stress or to punish herself, but I think she also uses it to get me to back off certain issues or topics.  Conflicts with me will increase it, especially if she is stressed over something else. Through therapy it has lessen, but can still occur.  I guess I would ask why do you think your husband does it.  Is it for stress relief or self punishment or to manipulate or get at you?

How are you feeling this week?

Thanks, everyone.

SweetCharlotte-it was a full flight of carpeted stairs.  He seems to have only hurt his finger and he has a scab on his chest--I guess he basically slid down the stairs on his chest/front and got rub burn.

I am working on reading the resources you all provided.

I don't think hospitalization would work for my husband, because he is fairly high functioning, so I think that if he were taken in, he would find a way to compose himself and play off what he had done (oh, I was just having fun going down the stairs, my wife is overreacting).  I thought when his therapist reported his behavior to CPS that they would help, but all they did was recommend couples' therapy, and they didn't even make it a requirement and there is no follow up.  So, I feel like in the end the CPS report did more harm than good, because he was afraid that CPS was going to take our baby away, but now he can see that there are literally no consequences for his actions.

This week seems to be going slightly better, although he just got annoyed at me, because he really wants to get our baby's face (10 months old) elaborately painted for Day of the Dead (a Mexican holiday the day after Halloween, my husband is Mexican) and I told him that I am concerned the baby is too small for face paint and that she will not sit still to get her face painted and that she will rub the paint off.  So now he is saying that I don't care about his culture and he is mad at me... .

I've had experiences that may relate to these incidents... .


Over 15 years ago I drove to a local hospital because an acting-in (not acting-out) friend had cut herself.  She explained it was a way that she could hurt and yet control it.  But that time she accidentally cut too deep.


The stress of an event can become an overwhelming stress and overreaction.  From my post in the summer of 2009:  But one fine Spring evening we were to attend the most important religious event of the year (during Passover/Easter week).  I had to stop at a department store to buy a new pair of pants.  When I arrived home she was angry and upset, "You're late, we're going to be late."  I assured her we wouldn't be late.  On the way there I consulted a map since we'd never been to the rented location before.  She exclaimed, "We're lost and we're late!"  I said, "There's the street and we're ten minutes early."  I was directed to parking, I parked and she wanted to rush.  I said, "Just let me finish putting on my belt and tie, we have plenty of time."  She retorted, "I want a divorce!" and walked away with our toddler.  I wasn't that far behind but caught up with them.  We weren't the first nor the last to arrive.  In fact, WE were early and THE SERVICES started late!  I thought to myself, on this special evening she declares she wants a DIVORCE all because of her upset of a non-event?


Can you reverse this for a healthier perspective?  You posted here in staying, so I'm not advocating this but I ask you to ponder the reverse, rather than looking into the blinding sun, turn around and look while the sun is at your back:  I will leave to protect myself and our child from a risk of abuse or endangerment.  Do you see?  You worry you'll be a meanie if you "take yourself/your child" when you should focus on whether you need to "protect yourself/your child" instead.  The point is, if he won't accept help and seek to improve, even with your new-found communication and relationship skills described here, then you can't do much to improve the situation beyond 'damage control', your priorities should be reconsidered and give more focus to what YOU can do proactively and positively for yourself and your child.


Possibly the reason they didn't take action regarding your baby was that the baby wasn't the focus of his actions.  They generally focus on child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  I recall secretly calling my CPS, two times, and I got the same response each time.  I said, she's ranting and raging.  They asked, Is she ranting and raging at your child?  I answered, No, at me, but he's present and cowering.  Their solution, Call back if she starts ranting and raging at your child. :'(  Evidently poor behaviors alone aren't 'actionable', in my area they have to be directed at the children.

I've been involved in CPS as well.  In my case, my wife was delivering a whopper of a spanking.  CPS got involved but in my state corporal punishment is allowed as long as no marks. 

There were no marks.

She was/is very angry about my "betrayal".   However, we are about 1.5 years into no corporal punishment in our house.  I think it is a much better way of parenting.  Through family T (ordered by CPS) big improvements were made in our dynamic.

Here is the point of my story about calling cps (which I consider a success... would do it again).  I wasn't thinking about my wife at the time.  I felt I was acting in the best interests of my children.

Sure, I realized my r/s with my wife was probably going to be over because of this, but that was not my main concern.

Turns out, family is better, r/s with wife is better.

tm006f,

There are no guarantees associated with any of the courses of action that we have to choose.

It's more of a mindset.

Standing up for yourself is good

Standing up for your children is good

Standing up for your spouse is good (encouraging healthy behavior)

Avoiding taking action because of "what he may do"... .or it "might not work"  is generally a cue to look more deeply at motivations.  We can do that here.

We can help you pick apart avoidance of doing some for healthy reason (there are some) and identify times when you may need to take a look at priorities.

This is hard stuff.  We are here for you and your family. 

FF