BPDFamily.com

WHEN WILL I LEARN!

So I talked myself into answering her back and letting her know that I had taken care of the trash pickup cancelation that she had requested (I have been out of the house for almost 3 months now) and since I had been pretty strict with no contact for almost a month, I thought it wouldn't hurt, since we were only talking about tying up loose ends with things pertaining to the divorce.

WRONG!

That set off a barrage of texts that started out all business and ended up talking about the division of property in the upcoming divorce and then she threw in  congratulations on the birth of my grandson. Up to this point we had not acknowledged any milestones including my birthday. And of course she said all the right things to set off every trigger inside me. So now I`m a bundle of nerves and angst and feeling defeated and manipulated... .again.

And I'm sure she`s feeling victorious for getting me to engage her.

Man, they are so good at knowing when to strike, what to say and how to say it, its genius evil.

Back to square one with NC, and I was just feeling like I was starting to experience some victory.

No contact is not a victory.  It's silly to think of this as winning and losing.

What happened that was so bad in the texts?

~ cancellation of trash contract

~ expressed her thoughts of property division

~ congratulated you.

Let's break iti down.

Don't be hard on yourself Rameses. God knows how hard it is not to relapse. You've had the strength to do it for nearly 30 days. You're not back to square one - I bet you start feeling better sooner this time

I agree. No contact is not a hard and fast rule  *) Don't beat yourself up.


Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

I do know that NC is just a tool to get us to disengage. But my experience has told me that when I don`t hear from her I seem to begin to start the healing process and I feel better, and I consider that a victory, and not very silly. And I feel like I`m more in control of my feelings and not being swayed by her crafty words.

This was the whole reason for starting this thread. It totally perplexes me as to why I have such a hair trigger when it comes to any kind of contact from her. It`s very debilitating and defeating.

If you get in another text exchange, slow down your response rate - wait a few hours between texts.  That will help in the immediate term.

You are asking the right question regarding your reaction.

What was most upsetting to you?

It's amazing how even a "hello" can completely cripple you isn't it. I'm in the middle of a recycle attempt now because I responded and I can't get out of it. I don't want to. I know how it will end. I'm super anxious to the point it's causing me pain. Yet I can't help but respond, and even lead the way. I talk to friends and they are supportive but I can see the shock in their faces that I'm here... .again! I'm sitting here now with a kind of acceptance. A lot of pain has gone, but it's not pain free. Which I know isn't right. But I'm accepting it. Man. I think I need to throw my phone in the ocean and emigrate if this is ever going to end

I actually waited 2 days, she text me Saturday, I took care of the business today and then text her back today to let her know it was done. Deep in my heart it was actually a good reason to touch base with her in an innocuous way... .I thought.

To your question Skip.

I think the thing that bothered me the most was her insistence on getting this distribution of assets done as quickly as possible, she reiterated that a couple of times, which told me this was very important to her.

So this is how my mind processed that... .are you sure you want this :)

Here goes:

So she has hardly been contacting me for the last month. That is the longest she has ever gone by far in our four and half year relationship (21 mos. of marriage, 8 months apart in 3 different separations).

So I started thinking, ok she found a replacement and he is taking up her time. She has finally turned the corner, accepted the divorce, that I filed, and is moving on. So she wants to wrap this thing up asap so she can start schmoozing with her next victim.

And that right there is a huge trigger for my debilitating anxiety, the thought of her being with someone else just crushes me. I mean I know it could NEVER work between us and do not want to go back but envisioning her with someone else just tears me up.

So then my mind says, wait a minute, she can`t latch onto someone else yet,  because in our state with a no fault divorce you have to be separated for one consecutive year before you can start dating. So I spend the next several hours looking up the law in our state to see if maybe after the assets are settled then you are free to date and that is her angle.

Then my mind switches to... .I know she cannot go without being in a relationship for any length of time. So I start thinking of hiring a private investigator to possibly catch her with someone and that would give me grounds of divorce based on adultery and that would put me in much more favorable position for asset distribution.

So there it is a peak inside the cranial cavity of Rameses, scary isn't it? :)

And it all started with a text about cancelling the trash service... .sheesh, there has got to be a better way to live.

there is rameses, but this is complex stuff. i get the back and forth in our heads, the scenarios, their likelihood or not, the pain it would mean  .

have you considered seeing a therapist to sort it out?