BPDFamily.com

Thursday,  I would really like to know the name of the sober living place if its in LA area.

Ilusa-

I am in Florida but there are sober living places in every community. Start by asking your therapist or councilor or call places that offer Outpatient services (you can find them in the phone book). I'm pretty sure most sober living places will only work with a resident who has been through treatment. We found the program that my SD used to get sober through her then therapist who introduced us to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) that dealt with her addiction problems and got her involved in AA (the 12 step program I have referred to in my post).

The sober house where she lived was run by the same group that ran the IOP- it was where the patients would go after completing the 8 week IOP (which was every day counselling for 4 hours per day, 5 days a week) IOP can be a great alternative to RTC (residential treatment center) for many folks. IOP isn't cheap but not nearly as expensive as inpatient treatment. Her IOP was 400.00 per week if I recall correctly. The sober house was around 800.00 per month and gave her a bed, an onsite drug treatment counsellor and a "life coach" who taught the girls/women how to cope with life. It was all stuff we had tried to help her with but she just-never-listened to US ( )

We told her she could no longer live with us but offered to pay for the sober house and only the sober house.  And at the sober house, if she broke the rules she would be kicked out. Within a few days of moving in she saw a resident get kicked out so she believed it and one thing that helped us is that SD is not really street wise and was very afraid to not have a place to stay.

The sober house hooked her up with social services- (food stamps among other things) so we had no costs other than the monthly fee. It was kind of crappy (actually it was really crappy!) - an old house, small and crowded. Her bed, until she "earned" more privacy,  was in the same room as the kitchen. There were 8 women living there and they all had to get up at the same time in the morning and learned to share the shower, clean the bathroom and kitchen, had to make their beds, had to look for a job every day, and learned all of the life skills an adult needs to make it in the world. They supervised her attendance to AA meetings-she had to go to one meeting a day but she usually went to more.

Some of the residents were long term adult alcoholics and drug addicts but all had some one in their family that cared about them enough to pay the "rent" for the sober house. So, SD got to see how far down some of these women had gotten themselves- ruined looks, ruined health, ruined relationships with their kids, some of them with only an aged parent to help them anymore- and with some it was obvious to her that they were still imposing on the parent's good will- several bombed out of the program and she witnessed the aged parents in such tremendous despair at having spent their last 1200.00 for nothing!

SD hated the routine and she hated the live-in counselor but she stayed sober because she understood she had no options (my husband did so well with not enabling her- this was really the main thing that changed things... .and how he got there is another long story).

I'm going on and on about this so that those who are struggling with addicted pwBPD will know what these sorts of programs are about and how to go about finding them.

I don't think there was anything magical about the sober house here- and I'm sure you can find way fancier places if you have the resources and want to spend the money. This was at the end of many years of spending lots of money trying to fix her problems- we went through all of our retirement money from the time she was 14-19 when we finally cut her off.

This sort of resource is generally available in communities to help addicts. I don't know what to suggest to folks who are not dealing with addiction. The magic we experienced is that the tools she was introduced to for her addiction really do help the BPD- she still has problems with relationships (making friends is easy for her but maintaining friendships is not and she has never been in a romantic relationship- she chooses inappropriately when she is attracted to anyone and it never goes in her favor. Simply put- she likes real jerks who have no depth_ !)

Jellibeans, you ask
That is a great question and worthy of an answer although it is a very personal thing that has a lot to do with my spirituality and my choice to stay positive in my life. To quote Samuel Johnson, "Hope is necessary in every condition" and I believe this to be true. Without hope, what do we have? Might as well just forgetaboutit without hope for a better day.

I am not religious, don't follow any sort of organized religion. I do, however, believe that I am following a path towards enlightenment and learning the best way to go through this life. And staying hopeful is a part of that. I am stubborn enough to never give up and probably stupid enough to want to try anything and to believe my own rhetoric too!

With SD, when I joined the family she was only 14 and things were already really messed up. It was so hard but I had these odd and unexpected glimpses of the REAL HER and I just stayed hopeful that if we could get things sorted out that the REAL HER would prevail. It helped that I actually LIKED this REAL HER. Believe me, I thought the girl who presented herself with manipulations, tantrums and rages, lies and violence, entitlement, laziness, a total lack of empathy and self harm really SUCKED.

Ten years later this REAL HER is who I see when I see her... .it is who she is MOST of the time now. I went years without seeing any glimpse of the real SD but I had faith that this authentic person was still in there. I am certain that each parent of BPD child, adult or otherwise, has seen this authentic person at some point in their child's life. Maybe for you this can be the source of hope for you like it was for me.

Hope for ALL-

Thursday

Thursday,

Thank you  so much for your detailed reply. I really appreciate it.   Good luck with your daughter.