BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I just wanted to say "hi" and check this out. My 19 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD, Bi-Polar Disorder w/anxiety and depression. It has been difficult but, we are relieved that we have a diagnosis.

Welcome to Parenting, I'm glad you are introducing yourself here.

I also have a 19 year old daughter (well... .on the 21st she will be 19).  She was diagnosed w/MDD, ODD, emerging BPD at 12.  She lives nearby on her own.

Does your daughter live with you?  What is your relationship like with her?

lbj

No, she did up until about a month ago but, she is choosing to not follow the request that she be home at 1:00am... .which is later than I would like anyway... .she is sleeping on her dad's couch at the moment.

We, have always been very close. I have always been too much of a easygoing parent. She and her sister(22)have always been good girls. Good students, involved in school and my baby was a competitive gymnast from 5-12. Once she stopped gymnastics she developed and eating disorder that I was unaware of until she started high school. She has decided that I have never been supportive of her emotionally and is angry with me. I have recently remarried and I am finally putting my foot down and not giving in to her every whim. It is hard to finally have tough love but, I cannot allow her to walk all over me anymore. I realize that even if she moved back in with me, I would not have that relationship with her that I would love to have. She wants to be a grown up and come and go as she pleases. I at least know that she is safe and we are communicating.


Also, the Dr. said it's BPD with provisions.

How is it going at her Dad's?  Is he lax with house rules and boundaries?

Yes, I think he is. They have always had a tumultuous relationship. He never wanted to be the bad guy and I would be the messenger. He always felt that her behavior was just teenaged attitude, where I knew that she was ill. I feel we may have been better at helping her and the household if we do could have been on the same page. They fought a whole lot and I am quite sure he is bipolar and refuses to seek help. Since I left him and we moved out he has felt very sorry for himself and pulled away from his girls. Recently I told him he really needs to just be there and he seems to be stepping up. So, I believe he is perhaps trying to overcompensate for me finally saying enough is enough. We do not have a good relationship. Although when we were married he said I was a great mom, he now likes to say what a bad mom I was. One of my worries is that they may feed off of one another. She is taking her meds and seeing her therapist though. For that I am very thankful.

It seems so unfair for us when we are making positive changes for the benefit of our kids and family and we have to work even harder to get around the damage done by the other parent.  It is so frustrating.

I'm glad to know she is still in therapy and I hope that your ex will begin to hold your daughter accountable so she can learn the life lessons she needs to begin to mature emotionally. 

The boundaries you set aren't undone by someone else, and your d can only avoid respecting that boundary outside of your relationship.  Being consistent is so important and sometimes difficult.  Do you spend time with your d much since she left your home?

Hi Luvmygirl,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you. I can understand how you would worry that they would feed off each other, especially having a similar temperament, although what a godsend that your D is willing to see her therapist and stay on medications. When I count my blessings, at the top is my son's willingness to go to therapy. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe our kids want to feel "normal," and maybe even good.

It's hard when you have an ex husband working at cross-purposes, it can feel like sabotage. And if he is not willing to entertain the possibility that he is bipolar, that can make it harder! Rejecting the dx in himself may make him reject the diagnosis in D, or at least not recognize it in the way he needs to. My ex is also untreated bipolar and for the life of me I could not understand how he a person can deny something that is so bald-faced obvious.

I'm glad you are sticking with your boundaries, and she is still open to communicating with you. How are the conversations with her?

It has been very difficult for me to use tough love but, thankfully my husband has given me the strength and has helped me to realize that my daughter will always love me even when she is so hateful to me. She can be the most loving and sweet girl and anyone who meets her things she is great and for that I am so very thankful. Thankfully she spews her venom and I stay strong and she comes back to me. We do see each other. I try to make sure I go in to her work and visit with her. I take her to lunch. She has always been one who doesn't want to be home so I try and see her as much as if she did live with me.

Unfortunately her therapist is not trained in DBT but, she researches and does her best to help my girl. They have a good relationship and she finally realizes that she must take her meds. The last time she went off she attempted suicide. Of course there was a boy involved but, after this last attempt I pray she will stay on them. She wants to feel normal and she knows that the only way is to get help.