BPDFamily.com

I met my wife for years ago within three months we got engaged.  I had never been insecure or distrustful in my relationships previously.  My wife had quite a crazy past using drugs and alcohol.  When I met her she was taking Adderall and drinking but doing no other drugs. After meeting we moved across the country I got a DUI one night when we were out partying.  My wife flew home for two weeks every six weeks to work and that also was a problem for me.  I wanted her to be done with the place that all of the terrible things that happen during the past and be in a better place.  Some of her friends and all of her clients were available to her whenever she flew home. My wife prior to meeting or have been diagnosed with bipolar too and anxiety and depression and have been on medication her father has bipolar to anxiety and depression and was very abusive verbally and physically as she was brought up.

We moved back home cross country after about a year of being in Florida and became pregnant we lost the baby after six months and meanwhile my wife had been un medicated and I lost my job a few months after loosing the baby.

We then had a short-term miscarriage and got pregnant again for the third time moved back cross country for a new job and had a healthy baby last December.

Then after the baby I was worried again about my wife who I've been worried about after we lost the baby and want to mandated to watch her make sure she didn't have a downward spiral and then after delivering a baby in December of this year things are really difficult between my wife and I this past July she came home for a trip we left our home and she and my daughter were going to stay for six weeks we gotten a fight and she's decided to leave me placing a lot of blame on me.  Then after the baby I was worried again about my wife who I've been worried about after we lost the baby and want to mandated to watch her make sure that she didn't have a downward spiral and then after delivering her baby in December of this year things are really difficult between my wife and I this past July she came home for a trip we left our home and she and my daughter were going to stay for six weeks we gotten a fight and she's decided to leave me placing a lot of blame on me

I often smoke pot to try to relax when she was stressed out and there was a lot of pressure that I felt so is my way of relaxing and she wanted me to stop she also smoke pot and during the pregnancy and after the pregnancy she needed something to relax or  I often smoke pot to try to relax when she was often stressed out and there was a lot of pressure that I felt so is my way relaxing and she wanted me to stop she also smoke pot and during the pregnancy and after the pregnancy because she needed something to relax her.

Soon after she came back home I had started training for new job and was living in a separate statement I came all going to weekend we got in a fight the following week and I stayed away from her and my daughter because we are still upset with each other and then the following week and I came home and she told me that she wanted a divorce.  For the next month I couldn't understand her decision I felt like there had been a constant communication although she told me she was gonna potentially not stay married to me I didn't understand the extent of her feelings and there wasn't the consistency of communication for me to be able to understand.

Within days of telling me she wanted to be out of the marriage she started dating a guy that she had been dating while he was married and getting divorced five years ago. I randomly saw her in a parking lot of the restaurant that I was leaving with him when I was leaving with my daughter after having lunch with family.  I randomly saw her in a parking lot of the restaurant that I was leaving with him when I was leaving with my daughter after having lunch with the family.  She said she wasn't trying to hide it and I hadn't asked I didn't even think to ask that she would be in a relationship are ready she said she's in love with this guy and that my daughter spending a significant amount of time around them.

I trusted my wife is a smart enough woman that she's a good mother but I'm worried about her decision-making in the past for me she had dated some really questionable people that actually gone to jail while she was with them which is something that I was always confused by  I trusted my wife is a smart enough woman that she's a good mother but I'm worried about her decision-making and in the past for me she had dated some really questionable people that it actually gone to jail while she was with them which is something that I was always confuse bye.

I don't think my wife is totally psychotic and maybe fully bipolar too but I do think there is some confusion that is caused by me I became very codependent in this relationship I lost myself I'm very confused I don't know whether to trust her or not I don't know whether she's going to be a good mom and protect my daughter from her or trust her and know that my daughter will be OK and I don't know what to do.

Do you think your daughter is in any danger? Who watches her when your wife is working or otherwise busy? Are relatives involved?

Blaming and Blame Shifting are common behaviors of people with BPD (pwBPD), it's a facet of the extreme Denial of their issues.  Reasonably normal people are able to honestly say, we both have issues and both contributed to the relationship issues.  Acting-out pwBPD will almost never make such an honest admission to evaluators or the courts, their denial and blame shifting kick in.


It is common for pwBPD to reject one relationship and quickly jump into another relationship.  It's a reflection of their neediness.  BPD is centered around a fear of abandonment but then they will often end the relationship so they can do the abandoning rather than face being abandoned.  (Yes, doesn't make much sense but we shouldn't expect mental illness to make sense.)  But often they have someone simmering on the back burner so they won't be alone for too long.


Beware of saying she's a "good" mother.  Stating she is a good mother and yet you are concerned about her parenting is inconsistent.  If you continue saying she is a good mother then your concerns will be discounted, so choose other phrases, challenged, troubled, inconsistent, etc.  She is emotionally erratic, unstable and inconsistent.  Yes, she can feed a baby, change the diapers, etc.  Many pwBPD can do okay when children are totally dependent on them.  But when the children grow older and want an age-appropriate, increasing independence and validation, they hold the children back and stunt their development.

Frankly, you should find ways to clean up your life.  No drinking and driving - none!  One DUI a while back, you can state it was a one-time event and not a reflection of your regular lifestyle.  But you have to live it, making a false claim risks the truth coming out and impacting your credibility.  Same with the recreational or 'coping' drug use.  Phase it out ASAP.  Instead, seek meaningful counseling to address your stresses, weaknesses, relationship issues, etc.  Yes, it will not be easy to face this challenge but your personal life, your child's welfare and your parenting are at stake.


You are right to be concerned about her stability as a parent.  However, courts are generally reluctant to order full custody to one parent unless there is real basis.  Yes, they can grant TEMP custody to one parent in the initial TEMP order but that is just their quick method to stabilize things for the divorce process.  (My ex and I separated when I called 911 and she was eventually arrested for making DV threats.  When she got out and went to family court, she succeeded in getting temp custody.  Court didn't give any weight about her adult (mis)behaviors against me, it didn't see that as impacting her parenting behaviors and just defaulted to her in the temp order.)

Be aware that you need to get the best initial temp order that you can get.  There's a saying, Temp orders are likely to morph into final decrees.

To supplement my prior post and expand on my parenting struggle, my ex was confrontational, high conflict and actively obstructed my parenting.  Drugs and alcohol were not issues for us.  She kept making (unsubstantiated) allegations against me in the early years.  But I kept returning to court essentially saying, "It's still not working" and each time my custody and parenting improved.  It took about 8 years before my ex's entitlement was defanged.

• 2005-2008 - temp order, Mother custody and Father alternate weekend time



• 2008-2011 - final decree by settlement, Shared Parenting and equal time



• 2011-1013 - Change of Circumstances, Father has full custody and equal time



• 2013-2020 - Motion to Modify, Father has full custody and majority time during school year

I don't know how oppositional or obstructive your spouse is (or will be if/when a divorce case is started).  From what you wrote she may not turn out to be hugely obstructive to your parenting.  Time will tell.  Hope it won't be as bad as it could be.  But you can't count on a low level of discord or minimal obstruction of parenting.  Therefore, have all your ducks in a row... .start meaningful individual counseling... .get your life in order... .get some legal consultations from some experienced family law attorneys... .figure out what strategies you can develop for successful and empowered parenting... .be very careful when writing texts or emails so that they would not be concerning to professionals if later produced by your spouse... .document your spouse's poor behaviors... .

Have you talked to a lawyer? It's a good idea to at least get a few consults under your belt so you understand how things work where you live. It sounds like psychologically and emotionally, your wife has already left the marriage -- it's possible she has talked to a lawyer already.

A lawyer is likely to tell you what FD said -- to be squeaky clean and show that you're taking steps to clean up so you can be a good parent.

Once divorce comes into the picture, and laws and courts get involved, it's a different game. It is no longer about what you feel, or what you want. It's about how the court system works and it's not always an obvious logic.

You might want to get Bill Eddy's book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse. It's particularly helpful if there are kids involved. His website: highconflictinstitute.com also has good articles about what to expect, and how to protect yourself. We also have some helpful lessons here on the board that are worth reading through: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.msg1331659#msg1331659

Can you see out support to help you deal with your pot habit? From a mental health perspective, you want to develop self-soothing and relaxation skills that won't jeopardize custody of your child. Divorce is stressful and you don't want that stress to increase your pot smoking if it could work at cross purposes with your custody goals.