BPDFamily.com

 

I've been involved with my partner for almost 6 years come this January 2016. I love him yes but sometimes the BPD of his makes my head spin, like in the exorcist...   we have broken up numerous times. Like over thirty I'd say. I feel I'm losing support from my support system because I continue this merry go round, like a broken record.

I feel I've exhausted every avenue, we have finally made it to counselling. His suggestion, thank god. I've had a counsellor for over a decade. So we have decided to see mine, as his co worker said who better knows your partner than her counsellor. During the second session he got so angry at me about a past recent situation, that he got up and left. My counsellor and I continued the session without him.

I've recently have come to believe from this website that I have co dependency issues I need to explore. This is probably why I stay. He probably stays too for that reason too, although we also love each other very much. However, I have questioned, if he loves me why does he hurt me so much? We do have our good moments and memories but I always know in the back of my mind, there will come a time, not sure when or what will set it off, but we face the explosions again. It escalates fairly quickly, and recently we have agreed I be the one to leave as when he leaves he can escalate further.

I'm pretty tired of trying to defend myself in this war, but it's a cycle, and no one is going to win. I'm afraid at his escalation, what he will do, not my physical safety but his, he has attempted to crash his truck in front of me once, and these past couple of arguments has threatened to kill himself.

During my last four years with him, I have felt ashamed,confused,bewildered, helpless, hopeless, and pathetic. I have even had a dream about myself, and felt very sorry for me... .lol... .true!

I can only imagine how my loved ones feel about all this as they have become familiar with this routine all too well unfortunately. We have arranged an anger management appointment on Oct. 20. I'm hoping that by me going with him he'd be more likely to go, and to try. I just want to slow down the arguing and have some peace and quiet for once...

We don't have children together my kids are older, my youngest is 19, a daughter, who he doesn't like but the feeling is mutual. They try and stay out of each other's way. I feel bad for her that she has been sorta robbed of having a positive male role model, and has to deal with our crap. Most of the worst situations do not happen at home. Usually at camp or when we are by ourselves. Which actually has made me fearful of when my children are no longer home too.

He has a young daughter she is 8, I'm an older woman, I'm 46, he is 30. No I am not your desperate aging woman either dying to have a younger man, and trying to hang onto him. I am actually a very nice looking, for my age,  smart and confident woman who is very successful in her career and has accomplished quite a bit on my own, with no help from anyone. I've raised 2 kids and paid their way from my career, and both are now in university, with no serious issues in their lives. However, yes I have had a damaged childhood. And so has he which is why I think I chose him in the first place. That and he was quite attractive and he was attracted to me as well helped.

Needless to say, it has evolved to this now, and I'm still willing to try, God knows why, and so he says he is too. He is now out of the house and I was thinking that maybe it should stay that way, until we have a few more counselling sessions or maybe a lot longer? To see if his actions match his words? Cause I know if we head right back into our relationship the way it was, we will just go right back to the way it was and it will only be a matter of time until the next situation crops up. How long should I wait until he comes back home?

Hi sunesky,

the way I see it: Distance is a substitute for decent boundaries. And while some distance is a good thing as it allows us all to cool down eventually you need healthy boundaries. Boundaries you own and are willing to protect. Boundaries that are tested at times, especially at the beginning. Staying in this relationship will require you to rethink how you deal with conflict.


Have you discussed with your T which boundaries are important to you and how to protect them?

Thanks for your reply. And yes good food for thought.  :thought:  I will come up with some boundaries. As a matter of fact we have another counselling session tomorrow and I'm pretty sure this one will go better than the last one.  |iiii

I also want to learn how to validate, I'm hoping this type of communication style will diffuse some triggers...

Hi sunesky,

good to see that you are preparing your session. Keep in mind that boundaries are only boundaries (in the sense we are using boundaries on this board) when you have a plan to back them up. Communicating your boundaries can help reducing violations and managing the fallout but is secondary in protecting boundaries. In some cases communicating boundaries can be more triggering (perceived as controlling) and not worth it. Communicating where exactly the line is sets you up for game playing. Often it is best to start with a few that truly matter and can be backed up by actions under your immediate control. Once the dust of the initial changes has settled it then one can build step by step on it.