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It's over two months of nc but today for some reason I'm missing her. Maybe it's the two dreams I had this week about her, not sure. I mailed her key back on Sunday so I figured she should have got it by now. I think I was kinda hoping for some kind of response from her. I almost want to text to see if she got it. Went to therapy today and told her a lot and cried a lot . I usually feel better after a session but I'm having a hard time shaking this. It's so amazing that I would want contact from a woman who treated me with such disrespect when she dumped me. No regard for my feelings at all during all her tantrums and ST. So I ask , why do I feel this way? I've also been seeing a girl that is so cool , I've been out 3x with her and it's the best I've felt in a while. I should be happy.

Come on Big! You don't need someone to talk you out of it. Just read whats happened to others that have! The best part about this site is that you can almost make it a "Choose your own adventure" story. Read what has happened. Someone has already done it before. Don't do it!


You got this.

Hey Bigmd, I'm sorry that you're struggling with the feelings of missing your ex. I know how hard that can be.  

It's alright to want to contact her, in all fairness. You had an extremely close bond and then went NC. That's going from one extreme to the next, and even though it might have been in your best interest, you still have to deal with the emotions that arise.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I went through a few periods of thinking that I 'should be happy' even though I wasn't feeling too great and it only made things worse. The road is long, and there are a lot of speed bumps on the way that will slow us down. You cannot avoid these things, but you can find ways to manage them best.

What do you think would happen if you reached out?

Todd I know it, trying hard. In the past when we were messing around and I was married she would often stop talking to me for,long periods of time . Or one of us would break it off. But we knew we were jus a text away and things would start up again. This of course is before I knew of BPD. I sometimes wish I could jus go back to stop this pain.

Valet I'm not sure what would happen ,that's what I'm afraid of. Don't want to find myself back at day 1 again.

Are you seeking answers? I think that we can be left really confused with why we were treated this way.

Idk. Right now a feel very alone. I would want answers but the way I feel now I may be wishing for a recycle.

What kinds of things do you like to do to take your mind off of stuff? How about going for a drive, go for a walk, hit the gym, run errands, going out with a friend for coffee, dinner and a movie... .

I think it is tough to figure out Big. Maybe on a sub level, besides the BPD, there is this desire to at least be worthy of a recycle? Right? I mean, I am thinking about this right now and there is this thought about being at least THAT worthy. That in its self would mean something. But... .I have a logical side to me that tells me it would mean nothing more and nothing less. Its just part of equation.

Hey, I get that fear. It was the same for me too. And it's hard.

From what I'm gathering it sounds like you're afraid of having to start over again in the recovery process. That's normal, and I know from experience that it's easy to get knocked down after you've been feeling better. The nice thing about getting knocked down, however, is that eventually you start to get back up a lot faster. It's all a learning experience. Eventually you won't even get knocked down by this person or that situation. You'll have already learned how to get out of the way.

Don't be afraid of learning. Your emotions are there as a given. You don't have to act on them, but you do have to know that they exist, and that they are what they are when they are.

Mutt, I do all that. Went out the other night for football, had a few beers. I go to gym everyday. Jus having a particularly bad few days .

Todd there is something to that. I think I want at least an attempt for one. Kinda wondering why she hasn't reached out. I gotta tell you this is probably the most difficult time of my life. My emotions are all over. One day I'm good, the next I feel like crying. Ugh

Valet you are right , I would hate to reach out with negative results . I think that would put me back to square 1.

Maybe I'm just curious if I got a response? Maybe I'm missing also the drama of a tumultuous relationship ?

As you can see with these threads contact never goes well. We hope that their response is "I've missed you, I love you, let's work this out I know I have been wrong and I want to try this time" but it NEVER is this and they just make us feel like nothing, which takes us back to square one.

I think that it helps to detach and not everyone responds the same way. Everyone that suffers from BPD is a different person / personality with different traits, severity, along a continuum.

I often found that therapy sessions would give me wind in my sails again during grieving until the next therapy session. That's how I felt about it anyway, that said you're wondering why she hasn't reached out and you're going through a difficult time in your life, you're feeling good one day and sad the next. I think that's understandable.

Do you feel like you miss her? My ex was a significant part of my life, it was tough going through something this hard and feeling alone.

Mutt I really do miss her. So crazy too because the last time we talked she treated me like a stranger. Blamed everything on me. Anyway the urge isn't super strong right now . Hopefully I can get through the day.

I understand. My ex didn't gracefully leave the r/s and she shut me out - we had a long history. I had a lot of questions to ask and I wanted to talk to her. I suffered loss, everything was blamed on me. Am I really this horrible guy that she describes?

My brain needed to know answers. I'm saying that's what it's like for me and not necessarily to anyone else.

I often would read an article on the site when I was tempted, ground myself, to learn about BPD and the reason why she acted the way that she did. I found it really helped and it took time to make sense of it all, it was a big part of my healing. I hope that helps.

Ughh I did it. I was drinking. But it didn't go bad lol

What happened?

Ok after a moment of weakness (alcohol) I broke down late last night. I asked her if she got the key I mailed her. She said yes and she would mail mine too. But, me feeling good with all the beer in me, I asked if I could tell her something . She said yes to my surprise. I told her I gave all the love I had. And the last two months have been hard.

  I guess for a minute I was trying to talk to her like maybe she wasn't borderline. She responded by saying thank you for respecting her request be alone the last few months. She appreciated it. She said things were bad between us but I never wanted to see it lol. Also said I had a specific way of dealing with things and she was more real about things. Not sure what she meant. Anyway she went on to say she is not ready to talk about our feelings. I kind of opened up more than I should have. Telling her I miss her bla bla bla. I told her I was sorry to bother her and said good night. She responded later by saying she could use my friendship if I didn't mind. I didn't say anything about that.

    We kind of just started talking about stuff . Her friend she works with who I know also, her mom was murdered a few days ago. So we talked about that. All in all it wasn't a bad experience . I'm not really taking anything away from it. I didn't think she would talk at all . She left off by saying it would be nice if we could still text and talk. I kinda said some more things I shouldn't have and than said good night.

Guard your heart Amigo. This is dangerous fire and I know that alcohol played a role in your choice last night and I am glad it ended on a positive note for you. Just be careful. That is all.

Hey Todd thanks . I will. I've come away from this with no expectations. I'm going to leave it at that for now. I don't feel bad for contacting or regret it. What I can say is that she has said these same things in the past plenty of times when I was still married. We always wound up back together. I'm not implying this will happen though. I need to remember she has BPD traits and I can't expect normal responses. She did in fact still put blame on me .

Anyone else want to chime in? I thought I would be ok ,but I'm not. I'm feeling pretty crappy. Even though the conversation went ok , there's no sign of a recycle. Feeling pretty lost and regretful right now. I feel I took a few steps back. Not sure what to do now.

Hi Bigmd,

Don't worry the feelings you have will pass. It's a white knuckle ride. Feelings and thoughts aren't fact. You just have to ride it out. Combination of therapy and alcohol will always throw you back to that out of control longing space in your head. It does me I broke nc after 9 months seeing my T and loads of alcohol. Your thoughts and feelings will change by tomorrow, trust me on that. Try and see it as you moving forward, revisiting the trauma. Seeing a T throws it all up and shakes it about, the alcohol makes you unable to sit with those feelings. You just have to settle and you'll be fine. It's just a rocky bit in the path. But the rocky bits are where the treasure is - you'll just have to trust me on that. Try no booze and walking

Front runner thanks for the reassurance. It was nice to talk to her I guess I wanted more. Still not sure what's gonna happen.

That's the problem with making contact. It's difficult because if you go nc you hang onto the idea she might contact you but if you contact her you don't get any answers that help you. So you're kind of between a rock and a hard place. She knows how you feel now so try and see it as you've done all you can. So what's the problem with turning your back, feeling the pain and then feeling the HEALING which will come it just takes time and the sooner you start the sooner you will be out the otherside. Get a game plan together and stick to it. 5 days a week not drinking etc etc

I guess I was hanging onto maybe this one last time I can get to her and have her listen. I just reinforced that she still holds the power. One way or another I need to find my way out of this.

Hey Big. I kind of wondered how you were feeling today about this. Don't beat yourself up over it! I don't think my ex will ever contact me and we have nothing connecting us to each other. Its easier. I also deleted her contact info from my phone and blocked her on social media. Not for her, but for me. Because I know the temptation. Its there. I want her to know what she did to me or I want to know that I mattered. I will never get that. Its been almost a month. Never once asked how I was doing. Thats the level of caring and compassion that someone with BPD has. My suggestion is to delete her info from your phone. Block her on social media. So when the beer starts making decisions for you, it might be more difficult for you to contact her. I almost made the same mistake and it didn't go through. I could have been right there with you.

Hey Bigmd,

It sounded like you were triggered yesterday?  I agree with toddinrocherster don't beat yourself up.

Did you drink because you had feelings that you couldn't sort out and you were lonely?


It helps to work on these triggers. I agree with Front runner, stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Thanks Todd. Not feeling very good. She basically still blamed me for everything and said she doesn't really think about it anymore. Wtf! Also said I don't handle things well lol. Tried to tell her how she hurt me but she didn't want to talk about any feelings. Mine or hers. So we talked a bit and I told her I think it's worth saving. That was it. Haven't heard from her.

Good place to take your stand with N/C?

Mutt, I was off and felt like having a few but I think I wanted the courage to text also. I don't do any drugs and rarely drink at home.

Todd I guess i don't have a choice.

In my experience with my BpdH, the only feelings he wants to discuss are his own. I no longer expect empathy from him, unless we are really agreeing on something.  I slipped up last week when he showed up unexpectedly at my house and brought me things in boxes and picked up more of his stuff. He ended up spending the night and we ended up having sex.  But I was glad to see him leave. Sad too, but glad.  Spending that much time together made me realize how I DO NOT want the drama, the rage, the delusions, the extreme views, did I mention the rage?, the splitting, the victim discussions, etc. etc. My life is more peaceful. My older Pomeranian was distraught and actually pushed herself between us. She wanted him gone.  I miss him, I love him, I can't/won't live with him. Maybe you need contact to get perspective. Or, maybe you need more time away from her. I am almost 4 months into a separation, so I have had more time than you. Contact for me was not a bad thing. I still think a divorce is in our future, eventually.

You can share on the boards if you feel triggered. We're here 24 / 7 there's always someone to talk to.

Hey Holly thanks. I think I just got to a point where I missed her so much I had to contact. Even though I know she is bad for me. 2 months out I'm still having a hard time processing. Even though I have good days too. I even met someone else that I went out with 3x already. Ughhh so confusing.

Mutt thanks this board has helped me a lot.

I'm just gonna add my support to the "delete from phone" idea. I'm pretty sure I would have contacted my ex about 8,000 times by now if I hadn't done that immediately after he cut me out of his life... .




Hollycat, I love this detail. Dogs are smart sometimes!

That would work I guess but I have number memorized lol

Hahaha, that sucks. I guess that strategy won't work then... .unless there's some sort of forgetting spell someone can do? :-P

 Moving on with your life after a breakup with your pwBPD is really hard! And 2 months out is  just the beginning,  at least it was for me.  I am almost 2 years out and things are so much better.   The constant ruminations have stopped and i have forgotten her phone #.  I do travel tthrough her town when i go to the mountains but i have no inclination to stop there. It takes time and a lot of it to really put things to rest and i wish you the best of luck.  NC and posting here along with therapy has helped a lot. I came to understand that both my sister and mother had BPD so naturally i was attracted to the chaos of BPD relationships.  And my ex was not the first BPD i was involved with there were others that were not as obvious as the last one. Her symptoms were so textbook it was hard to ignore.   

You have to decide what is best for you and it is a lot of trial and error but eventually you will get there.

Hi Bigmd,

My therapist had me write down a list of the bad things (and there are plenty) that have happened throughout our relationship and read it every time I feel like I want to contact my ex. Sometimes, I leave the list out during my work day. Reading it definitely keeps me strong and away from her.

Also, you mentioned that maybe going back would relieve your current pain. That has crossed my mind many times. However, I am sure that this temporary pain is not as bad as the long term pain of getting back together with her... .daily walking on eggshells ect... .and then at some point it will end again.

Stay strong :)

Ok well I haven't texted her back. I will admit it's eating at me. I want to straight up ask her if she was afraid of me leaving.

I'm going to venture a guess and say yes, she was afraid of you leaving, absolutely.

That may or may not be what she would tell you, and she may or may not have the self-awareness to even know herself that this is true, but it is.

So just go with that and don't text her. Does that work?

I am just full of useless advice on this thread!

It is co-dependancy. Listen to u-tube videos on the subject. It is the withdrawal from the r/s that is making you want to call or text. It is like a drug addiction and takes at least 3 months of no contact to start to get better. I am 2 1/2 months no contact and my mind and body are fighting me! I keep wanting to cry and cry- it's ridiculous! There is no point in a recycle. You will only get hurt worse and to text or talk will be the same_believe me! I did it! Not worth it! There are lots of single people out there when you fix you first. As much as we want them to fix themselves... we must fix us! Do the work and you will be happier later... .Watch Spartanlifecoach and Ross Rosenberg on u-tube- they went through it with  BPD female's and have great advice. Good luck... .I watch a video when I am feeling like calling- it stops me every time.

blue thanks I will check them out. been really beating myself up lately. Ive been thinking about exBPD a lot and miss her. Also my ex-wife remarried on Friday and im sure she couldn't be happier. Now im stuck out here alone looking like an idiot. Sometimes I think if we could just talk maybe I could get through to her. I guess Im dreaming.

I second that! Mine crapped in his shoes.

Well I guess I've decided not to contact her and talk about her issues. I did text her a thank you for sending house key back . I didn't get a response. She still has more stuff of mine and I want it back. But that would mean I have to text her so I may just chalk it up as a loss. Difficult last few days as I am still in disbelief about the situation I am now in. It really does suck.