BPDFamily.com

Today I am thinking about my uBPDw. Everything feels dishonest. In a "normal" relationship, people are allowed to say things like "next time I would appreciate it if you would X rather than Y" or "it bothered me when you said X in front of the kids" or "I know this is hard but we really need to discuss X" or "in my opinion, it would have been better if you had X". But we just dance and dance and dance around honesty for fear of WWIII breaking out. And then we just listen to the rage instead of expressing an opinion or participating in the discussion in a meaningful way. I accept that our relationship isn't and never will be "normal" but how can we say we are being true to ourselves when we are doing and saying things that we don't even believe in. I am very frustrated and welcome any comments. Thank you.

Can't say much but "I know exactly how you feel."

I don't want to be closed off to my partner.  I feel like I am not being 100% honest.  Yet, the times when I try, WWIII.  So, I get my emotional validation elsewhere, do my best to keep the peace.

During the worst times, I think, "This is a piss-poor excuse for a relationship." Other times, there's a genuine human connection.

Something about all of us allows us to accept these less-than-optimal "relationships" which often, as you've pointed out, seem contrived, as though we're just "managing" our significant other.

I wonder how many of us, if we had known what we were getting into ahead of time, would have blindly rushed in and signed up for this sort of relationship.

That is a major issue. I can never fix anything. I just get to express that I understand and then let it go.

Totally understand, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

"I accept that our relationship isn't and never will be "normal" but how can we say we are being true to ourselves when we are doing and saying things that we don't even believe in."

I felt like that for a long time, too. I am a very blunt, honest, straight forward person, so all of this walking on eggshells and learning how to say things a different way has been really hard for me. The key is to communicate what you are saying differently, so you don't have to compromise yourself and your own thoughts.

For an example, "it bothered me when you said X in front of the kids" comes off as invalidating. What they hear is "you are a screw up and you did it in front of the kids how dare you"

Of course, that's not what you said... .but it's their interpretation of what you said. One of my favorite ways of explaining it is think that everything you do and say has to get pushed through their "BPD filter". There is no getting around it... .that sucker is always going to be there. So, we need to reword things so they go through the filter without the backlash.

Another way to say this and bring it up might be, "I understand why you said X in front of the kids. You were frustrated/you were upset (whatever the circumstances were). I would get upset, too. How can we go about making sure X isn't said in front of the children anymore. Do you have any ideas?

I'm not sure if that fits your situation, but hopefully it's an example of what I mean. Sympathize, empathize, and try to engage them by asking questions. Ask them how they feel, or what they would like to see. Try to make them a part of the decision process.