BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I am having major anxiety about the holidays coming up.  Just as a brief history, my mother is uBPD.  I am an only child and my father, who I was very close to (although he enabled her behavior by not dealing with it most of the time) died in July.  It was a very traumatic experience.  He died of cancer and I stayed with my parents for the last 5 weeks of his life (during which time my mother raged and behaved in unimaginable ways while my poor dad was the one dying).  We got through the funeral and as predicted, my mom (who now was using me more than ever as her emotional dumping ground) pushed me to the point of going NC.  After about a week, I couldn't take the guilt and told her I wanted to have contact with her but very minimally.  So, since mid August, we've texted minimally and only talked on the phone a few times.  When we talk, she complains to me about how hard her life is and tries to make me feel guilty for not assisting her with picking up the pieces of her life now that my dad is gone.  We live 4 hours apart. 

Now, the holidays are approaching and I am dreading them more than ever.  Not only will I have to go through my first Christmas without the dad I love dearly, I feel obligated to have her to my house to spend Christmas with my husband, myself and my kids.  I KNOW she will just make the whole thing stressful and will be overly dramatic about how it's HER first Christmas without HER husband (who, by the way, she treated like crap most of the time when he was alive so I have very little sympathy).  I just don't know what to do.  I feel trapped.  She has a sister who lives near her but she has her own children and grandchildren to spend holidays with so I don't feel right dumping my mom on her.  I feel stuck between the relief I feel when I have the guts to cut her out or be on very limited contact with her but I feel guilt at the same time. 

The difficult thing to me about being LC is that when we do talk/see each other, I feel like I receive a giant dose of her wrath for not being in touch with her more.  She'll say things like, "I don't mean to bother you," in a snarky way when she calls - implying that I've (for no reason according to her), put a giant wedge between us and how dare I do that at a time just after she lost her husband. 

She parentifies me in a big way.  I was the one who had to emotionally hold her up most of my life and she comes to me and dumps her pain on me constantly and acts in a way as if it's my fault.  For example now that she's widowed, she has no clue how to do things like fix the t.v.  When she talks to me she practically yells at me about how she has no idea how to fix a t.v. and almost implies that it's my responsibility now that my dad is gone to fix these type of issues for her.  I resent her so much for how she treated my dad and the last thing I want to do is fix her damn t.v. or any other problem she has.  I have my own family and my own life and it would be one thing to help a parent who was actually nice to me but one that demands my undivided attention and help - and even when I help her is not nice about it, I just have no tolerance for after a lifetime of her behavior. 

I'm trying to do "Medium Chill" with her but it's so hard.  Any advice would be appreciated. 

Hi keldubs78

Just a few months ago your dad passed away. It isn't easy losing a parent and having to deal with an uBPD mom on top of that only makes it more difficult. You have limited your contact with your mother. Do you feel that this has at least allowed you to start mourning the loss of your father?

Yeah I can understand your anxiety for the holiday season. I think that is something many children of BPD parents unfortunately can relate to very much. To help you communicate with your mother, you perhaps can benefit from some of the resources on this site about communicating with a person with BPD:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

How to stop circular arguments - Don't J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

Responding to hostile communications - BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly) and Firm (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

I hope these resources can be of some help to you