BPDFamily.com

Here is one of my emails I wrote but would never send:

"Today I am really angry with you. How could you do this to me? Emotions are clouding my truth. My truth is that I wasn't me when I was with you. I wasn't the true and genuine person that I am inside. I had to fraudulently put on my facade to be with you. And now here I am wanting you back. Why? Because I think you're someone you're not. I think you're my match leaving me for someone that is my true self. It's bogus. I created it all. You've shown me your true colors and I don't know her at all. Your compassion and promises are false and contingent on mood. Perhaps your mood has remained elevated, but there is no erasing the fact that you've left me behind like yesterday's trash. My match, the man I invented you to be, would never do that. I haven't lost anything. You never were what I thought. All that I've lost is the illusion of companionship and the illusion of security. I was alone and I made it through. I can still make it through. I can drop all of this self-hatred and anger and all of these lies about myself because they are not true. It's so noisy in my head right now and I blame the cough medicine. It has awakened my emotions that want to condemn and judge both myself and others. I don't have to fight. There is nothing to fight for. I will find motivation to work through my anger. Work for me and my future. ___ you forever. You literally are absolved from any duty to me you ___"

First... .do you ever think that maybe the things you say or want to say to your exBPD is what you really would say to yourself... ."You left me behind like yesterday's trash" I totally did that while in the relationship... .and still do to some degree.  

SECOND. the highlighted part! God there it is. I was able to fantasize that he was my match... .and in my denial... .I refused to let his behavior tell me who he was. I decided who he was based upon the things I liked about him. And I decided I was this horrible unworthy person of this awesome version of him... .and that she... .the girl he left me for is my true self... .the person I actually am but refuse to see... .It's all a big ___. All a problem with having realistic views of myself and others... .its just insanity.

Wanna talk about projection... .I think I am queen of it!

Well if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only queen of projection… plus in a way it’s a really great thing to be aware of. To know that you’re projecting and what you’re projecting – is to know what your psyche wants and needs. Do you think you can find a way of giving yourself what you were hoping he could give you instead?

Thank you for your reply. I think so. I've discovered that who I am is an extremely emotional being. Like I always have a huge santa bag full of emotion sitting on top of me. And to top it off, my brain is like a vortex, full of rapid questioning thoughts... .it literally never stops. One of my professors thinks its ADHD with some borderlinely features (from childhood emotional and verbal abuse). And I can get overfocused on solving problems (i.e. psychology, relationships). And trying to live a life with obsessions about that stuff, when your brain never stops... .coupled with intense emotions all the freaking time is tough.

What did he give me? When we were first together... .he gave me a sense of calm and peace. It was like drugs for me. I feel like he changed my brain chemistry. But when it was bad... .it was awful... .because my emotions were worse... .and my brain was flying off the handle trying to figure out what was going on. Learning about male BPD was a saving grace for me because I finally had a template to put it in.

All I really want is a simple life with nature, peace, reading, cooking, and connection. And I'd like to be married. I can give myself the former, but I can't marry myself. And when things were good, it seems like we were going to have that life together. I'm scared he's going to have it with the replacement. Him staying with me told me it wasn't me. I wasn't an outcast. I wasn't undesirable. But because I am obsessed with problem solving, I can't 100% know it wasn't me.

I'm not even sure what I am saying haha.

My professor assigned me a radical acceptance book. lol.

Humm well I can relate to being a little borderlinely (being much more than a little borederline myself) and a few years ago I also used to have a problem with an overly active brain… I think that kind of thing comes from stress… and that kind of stress comes, among other things, from not knowing how to deal with certain situations but desperately wanting to find some kind of correct answer. It’s important to try to be more calm about it tough, or else the variety of speculations and “potential solutions” will come raining on you from all directions and create nothing but overwhelm and confusion.

Another thing you can do, other than trying to keep clam, is to try to separate the important from the unimportant. The question of what your ex is thinking these days and what kind of life he’s going to have with the new woman from now on – is an example of something not important… that you can simply put aside, in a corner of your mind, and forget about it. This may sound callus but the reason it’s not important is because A) now that he’s gone he’s not part of your life anymore and B) nothing that you think, say or do has any effect on him and nothing he thinks says or does has to have any effect on you, so long as you don’t let it and C) because whatever he thinks/says/does... .it doesn't say anything about you.

I believe you can have relationships and even be happily married someday… but first I suggest you try to learn to not let other people affect you so deeply (either positively or negatively). From what I read boundary work might be able to help with that. And also developing a sense of where you end and the other person begins and vise versa.

Me. Very me.

Sigh. I hear a lot on the boards about co-dependency but very little about emotional intensity... .I think it's my emotional intensity that got me into this BPD relationship. And, possibly, my (hard-learned) ability to set boundaries that made him bail so soon rather than sticking around. (Which is a good thing.)