BPDFamily.com

So tonight, I had a very strange twilight zone moment, where I feel like the words that were coming out of my mouth were exactly the same as exBPD. "I can't be what you need me to be" "I just don't think I'm cut out for this" "I don't want to!" "Why want you just leave me alone?" "I don't think I can do this"

He was talking about marriage and the seriousness of our relationship... .

I am talking about my career. I am in my last semester of my grad program. I have three classes, an internship, 20 hour job at school, a big licensure exam to study for, and 2.5 months out of this relationship... .(which feels like addiction recovery). And I'm so overwhelmed I was in tears. I'm looking at the possibility of applying for jobs outside of my field for the first year post grad... .something I know wouldn't be very challenging... .so I can have a break... .I need a break... .I am exhausted. I have been fighting this battle with him during my whole grad program... .

So why weird empathy? Because I think I understand how hard it was for him trying to have a serious relationship where he felt worn out... .where he didn't feel qualified... .where he didn't fee competent... .and he wanted to bolt.


I'm going to stay the course... .but I think I better understand the fear and stress.

Ha! Fascinating, I love it. And yeah, I heard most of those words from my ex as well... .

Haha yeah... .it's like when the words were coming out of my mouth I thought he had gotten inside of me and started speaking the words... .but I was like... .oh this is what it feels like to be backed in a corner by your emotions and imagine that others are pressuring you and forcing you into something so you just want to throw a fit and pound your fists and knock over all the blocks and run away lol.

I don't think theres anything weird about it. I think its great that you associated it to your ex. The way you described being overwhelmed is how I suspected my ex felt. For you it is real problems of having too much on your plate with no relief in sight. For my ex the problems to her were also real but for me I couldn't see it.

How does this insight make you feel now?

I feel like I understand him better. And I know the times he tried to explain it to me, I invalidated him. I took it really personally. I did eventually however, take the pressure off about the wedding. And he was the one that continued to reinitiate the idea of us getting married each and every time. I was learning to accept just being engaged... .and backing off... .but then he'd be like no, I wanna do it... .right now... .let's do it... .and so I was fine with that too... .but then he'd freak out again and act as if I had been pressuring him... .when it wasn't me.

I just wish that he could have not cheated and then after cheating... .not completely split the situation again. And when I asked why he keeps making our relationship so serious and all about marriage he said "That's where we are" I guess being together 3 years... .he thinks its either marriage or over... .and he went to be with replacement because he said she's less serious and new (kinda like a job outside of my field). I wish he could have found a way to take a breather inside of our relationship (because after all I'm not a career, I am a person). That or taken a break in a less destructive way.