BPDFamily.com

Quick rundown ... was married 27 yrs to npd/BPD, entitled pd. Divorce process took three years because xh kept stalling , ignoring , giving silent treatment to the point of having to go to court to settle.

Custody was with a separate, but same law firm , L.  Custody was settled a couple times. My giving in more nights to him to avoid his playing around with his not being able to be on time for evening visits.

It's now 55/45 with me the extra 5% . 

Divorce settlement on property /finances was settled six months ago. Not settled on court house steps but just inside.   He received 62% of marital assets.

Next day from that , was a hearing for his wanting modification of child support and his wanting retroactive spousal support.  He filed for that a year and half prior to he but didn't set a date for it.   He wanted the retroactive date to back a year and a half. The support dept said no, it only can go back six months when they said he had to refile for modification of support. He just can't file and sit on it indefinately  as he was planning to.

From that we received a new support order.   As per divorce settlement no spousal support to either. 

The retroactive date went back only six months, not the year and a half he wanted. I pay the medical  insurance and majority of medical expenses.  The child support was lowered, with credit taken off his arreages, but he still owed more which he was pay in full from settlement money from me. He did not of course. ( much of the arreages was dental expenses of the kids) .

About 525 / mo for both kids who are in their teens.

Xh appealed the new order.  It now goes to trial in court in front of a judge.

He wants retroactive spousal  support from me. He wants my inherited money to be classified as income. He feels he shouldn't t pay any child support .

Because... .he quit his job , has a much lower paying job, has health issues but not enough to be put on disability even though he claims to be. 

The appeal was six months ago.  I just went to trial on it. His L started off saying my inheritance is income , the judge looked at it , divided it by twelve , and said so what's the problem, that's her income.

His L wanted to go back retroactive to two years ago now.  My L was agreeing to the two years retroactive and then defending me from that point . 

We offered this to xh... .cut c/s in half to 260/mo for both kids, I wipe off his 3300 in arreages, I pay majority in medical, but no spousal to xh.  This got turned down.  Xh wants 0 c/s and lump sum retroactive spousal support. 

The two L 's argued much, and I said my inheritance is not my income, then it got called by the judge for the three to go back to his chambers to discuss the matters. Xh went to another room, I stayed in the court room... .for two hours. $$

Both L 's were visibly angry when it was finished. ... .because  there was no conclusion , it now goes to a briefing .

Where each L has to write a one page document , turn it in to the judge , then judge makes a decision.

So what I thought would be an end to this divorce continues.

My L had asked how things were going between the kids and myself. I asked via email if he asked out of interest or was their more custody issues in my future.

I also made another offer of no c/ s from xh except medical.  Because I don't know what else to do to stop this .

L did not answer back.

Probably because I also mentioned that I don't want to spend so much on this , when I have said that once before, he ignores me for awhile. 

I would not care about child support from xh except that he has always felt that he shouldn't have to pay for expenses for the kids. He felt I or my family should. During marriage he has said many times to me that the only reason he goes to work is  because I make him.  From the current support , if he pays , I do use it for the kids.  He has argued that he should not pay their school lunch on the days he has the kids , because it is an expense from the school and that should come from the money he pays me. 

So that's  the update on support.

Would it be unethical to go to another L for me to set up a trust/will.  I don't know if my current L would know about it. My custody L is different from the economic L but in the same law firm. If they found out would it hurt me in any future battles, I wonder .

I feel your pain, whirlpool. My ex did not nickel and dime in the same way, but he did engage with many of the same tactics, usually using legal technicalities to stay engaged or delay. It's exhausting to even describe to people what's happening because you have to explain legal abuse, which most people don't understand.


Would the trust/will be for your inheritance? I'm not sure I'm following. If you want to set up a will, it should be perfectly fine to go to a lawyer who specializes in that. I don't think we're obligated to tell our lawyers what we do, although of course they're human, and could feel played if we were doing something tactical behind their backs (although it doesn't sound like that's what you're trying to do?)

Thank you lnl for responding with the understanding of the feeling of exhaustion from this. It all spins in my head over and over , no one understands why he is doing this to me, or the shear entitlement of a nutcase .  Once this finalizes xh will have something else.

These briefings that the L's write up for the judge can take two months more, then wait I'm not sure how long for the judge to make a ruling.  I'm going to have to spend a hour with my L to try to find out what was argued about behind closed doors and I am going to have to ask if I get to see the briefing from xh 's L or is that just between L's?

I have spent much of the inheritance on legal fees. Then gave much more to xh in settlement.

And I continue to spend on legal fees.  What is left is in a savings account with a family member as a beneficiary, same with my life ins.

FM would prefer I have that and also my house go into a trust.  If I die xh would get the house because he is would be legal guardian of kids.  It would simplify legal matters and distance my family from having to deal with xh in the legal system.

Current L should of said  from beginning that I should not even have to declare inheritance as its not marital property or income. But he disclosed everything , now I have to defend everything.  would my family have to defend my trust if I have it written up by him, I don't know.  I want just a simple trust , current L can turn it complex which would cost more and more time.

I would go consult with a trust/will L and take care of yourself first.

It sounds to me like you live in a state that tries to prevent divorce by burying people in sheer bureaucracy. You may have an L who is decent (even good Ls make mistakes, especially with BPD involved), though not efficient, although it does sound like he is willing to fight for you. Plus a judge that is probably trying to avoid having a ruling overturned in appeal. That makes for a big mess. 

I wonder, too, if putting the inheritance in a trust would protect it during the current legal process you're in? I'm in a similar position right now, trying to figure out what would happen to S14 and my life insurance if something happened to me before S14 was emancipated at 18. My current SO is willing to be executor of the will and if need be, seek guardianship of S14. It's one of the reasons we decided to move in together, to establish status quo.

Do you think your H would probably try to weasel your money out of the kids?