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So my uBPDw likes to make sure I understand that she only has sex for me and she gets nothing out of it. At first it bugged me, but well, I'm still getting sex. So I just say ok and get to it. A couple nights ago during sex she reached over to the nightstand and got her phone and started checking facebook. I said "really" and she replied "I'm just doing this for you", so I said ok and kept going. I have also learned to validate during sex, because often I will "move the wrong way" "scratch her" "hold her too tight" "want another position". I'm really getting the hang of this validation trick. Validation has really helped me a lot. I do not feel the need to fix anything anymore. I just need to validate and move on.

Hi CrazyChuck,

Have you ever asked her why she says, "I'm just doing this for you?"

Yes, she says she doesn't want sex as often as I do, but she wants to make sure I'm satisfied. She says she would be ok with sex once every three months. And I would like sex about once a week. She once made a comment about sex is best when you are a new couple and it just gets old after that. It was very passionate in the beginning and several times a week. I have tried to talk about it, but this causes anger. I think when I try to talk about it, she feels I am invalidating her feelings.

Whipping out the phone during sexy time is a blatant passive aggressive slap in your face.  All of the BS whining about moving the wrong way, scratching her, etc. is the same.  She's doesn't want to have sex with you, but doesn't want to outright tell you no.  She's setting herself up as a sex martyr... .oh, look at the sacrifices I make for the sake of our marriage.

Since you've tried to talk to her about it, you're obviously not happy with that.  Have any plans to press the issue?  Because it *is* an issue that's only going to fester and build resentment... .on both sides.

In a way this was a resolution. My wife is very passive aggressive. She will say things that are very hurtful and then either say she never said it or that I took it the wrong way. Once she made a comment that she did things with a guy she was seeing when we were dating that she would never do with me. Or say something about an ex that was much more endowed than me. Most of the time they are little comments that are really not even part of the conversation. If I respond at all it is a fight and I'm just being insecure. Her double standards are extreme. Before I found this forum they bothered me a lot. Now I see them as hits of an axe to bring down my self-esteem. And then obviously sometimes she will say things like I'm the best lover she has ever had. And then later say sex with her ex was better. And then say she loves how we fit together and she could never have sex with anyone else ever again. It was during one of the positive comments I expressed we should have more sex. And then she became the martyr. At first she would just say after sex that she was really trying to show she listened to me and was trying. Now she says things like I love you, so I'm doing this for you. Now I'm just happy to have sex. Sometimes it is passionate. But that is very rare.

So what things exactly are you saying during sex that are validating? She pulls out the phone, how do you validate that?

Oh, and when she says trying to talk about an issues is invalidating, that sounds like she's just trying to get you to back off the topic. Can you continue the conversation, but use validation, as part of the conversation? What happens if you validate, and tell her you are validating her feelings? Does she really know what validating is? I only ask because I think BPDh didn't KNOW, until he learned about it in DBT, and didn't recognize it, but I'd been validating him ever since I read about it in the tools on here. It helped me when I would point out that I'm validating his feelings, or repeat back to him exactly what he said so he knew I was really listening(which is totally ironic, as I'm a good listener, and communicator, and it's him that clams up).

Sex around here can be a touchy subject too.

If this arrangement works for you, then I'm glad for you.

If it doesn't, though, either now or later, don't walk on eggshells regarding the topic.

So... .Sounds like her ego was bruised (perhaps because she feels her sex drive is inadequate in comparison to yours) or that she felt pressured by you?

Speaking of insecurity... .Usually, when my uBPDh insults me sexually, it is because he thinks I am not into him. He acts out how he thinks I am feeling about him.

Crazy Chuck, you describe something very similar to my experience. Even down to the "I only want it every 3 months"

In hindsight I can say that this sexual dynamic is about control. She is using the frequency, holding too tight, scratching thing to be a victim or martyr as others have said. This is a very abusive stance as it assumes all control.

After 14 years of that, mine discovered "No" or "mm mm" each time I asked or initiated. (I still get triggered every time I hear the expression "mm mm" . It's so invalidating, it's not even a verbal response). I eventually tried the tactic of saying "Fine, I dont need sex" (gulp) to see what happened. After about a month, she discovered the interuption to her controlling dynamic, and you'll never guess her response "You are depriving me".  She chased me all over the house lol and her once every 3 months turned into 3 times a week!

It must be difficult to be the only one initiating. I know how that feels. Hang in there.

I thought this was interesting because my w can be very controlling, but on the other side... .we have sex 3-4 times per week and if it's ever the "every other night" and I'm not in the mood then the we go down the "you don't find me attractive road"... .

We were watching the old 1972 movie Man of La Mancha the other night on TV and she stated she "couldn't do it" that night (because after all I was looking at a 40 year old movie with Sophia Loren and she showed slight cleavage... .)

My wife could hold her half of a conversation saying both "she always wants it" (so any lack of perceived physical attraction was my fault) and she couldn't "do it" that night after I saw another woman "hanging out".

So we can discuss forever that I'm not "thinking of her" because of something I saw (either that night with MoLM or years before our first date... .) but she doesn't see it as a control issue... .because, you know, if I only thought what she wanted me to think then things would be OK... .