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I thought about this and wanted to share.

My BPD girlfriend and I live in different countries and English is not our native language. So even its easy to express yourself better online, it becomes harder face to face.

Language changes the way you think, the way you perceive, and the way you express yourself. However you are strong with words, can paint a picture with words, youre bound to stuck somewhere because each language has different jargons, and each language is different some are masculine, some or not. Some are too lyrical, and some are direct and to the point.

She gives words too much meaning. She cant just grab her beer and sit in silence and enjoy ourselves. Talk talk talk. She listens to bad music just because their lyrics are good. While I dont and rarely cared about lyrics.  I prefer the music as it tells it all. Juse use your imagination and try to make the story yourself... .

Well. Since shes too self conscious and says sorry all the time it becomes even more of a problem when face to face because problems arise when talking. She cant express herself fully, I cant either. I mean fully and completely.

This is another reason why I want to bring her to my country to speak with her better.

She always liked my casual way of speech, she said I was painting with words, other times Im direct, honest and blunt and this never backfired when typing. I know all about these validation techniques and lessons, but this hardly ever works with me. Besides it feels too much robotic and systematic. And its fake to use the same kind of formula everytime, no matter how you change it. It doesn't feel natural.

Now what I want to know if verbal validation will work/worked as effectively, and maybe even more than  verbal validation. You know animals understand each other without talking, we understand animals without even speaking. They understand whether a person will harm them or not. Even when sometimes you shout they feel youre not going to attack them. They just sense it. But when they see a harmful person they directly get stressed and want to get that person away.

And body language is hundred times more important than what you say. It's more powerful.


Just think, I thought naturally it would and will be more effective. It has to end conflicts much more clearer.

Once I have her with me I will focus on this.


Any thoughts?

Taking words literally and constantly saying sorry (which is not the same as taking responsibility and aoplogizing), can be a common trait.

Yes "formula" words can sound robotic especially if contrasting to your normal speech

Often concentrating on not being invalidating is easier.

Physical validation is good when possible, eg a hug, a comforting smile, an attentive ear. etc

Words can be a source of misinterpretation

Sangreal,

You make a good point. Animals have senses and systems other than speech which allow them to communicate. And we have that capability to some extent with our intuition.

We also radiate our emotions without knowing it. Fear,  excitement,  happiness, contentment  , love.

I'm realising recently that most things we cannot control. But we can control  our thoughts and our actions. We also control therefore what we radiate. If we validate ourselves, I think it becomes easier to validate others verbally and non verbally.

When I was writing the Essential Family Guide to BPD, I found the following statistic:

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, pioneering professor Albert Mehrabian conducted research that would forever change the way we look at interpersonal communication. He discovered that we overwhelmingly deduce our feelings, attitudes, and beliefs about what someone says not by the words spoken but by body language and tone of voice.

His research showed that we convey 7 percent of our attitudes and beliefs through the actual words we speak. The rest comes from our tone of voice (38 percent) and our facial expressions (55 percent).

Can you believe that? With all that is written about validation out there, there are no specifics on body language.

So this is what I what I wrote in the communication chapter, which is the third tool you learn after taking care of yourself and understanding why you are feeling stuck.

... .

 Furthermore, if our words and body language disagree, listeners will believe the nonverbal communication, not our words.[18]

Without nonverbal cues, all we’re left with, essentially, is email—a method so fraught with the possibility of miscommunication that we had to invent the “language” of emoticons to make sure we’re not misunderstood. (For example, typing a sly wink  shows we’re just kidding.)

Research is starting to suggest that people with BPD are better able to read subtle changes in the facial expression of others.[19] Adolescent psychiatrist Blaise Aguirre says, “People with BPD can appear to be incredibly attuned to nonverbal communication to the point where others remark on their intuitiveness.”[20]

Nonverbal communication is one of the most powerful—and simplest—ways to communicate with your family member. You can use it by itself to reinforce your verbal message or to correct a mistaken impression. Remember that when it comes to attitudes and beliefs, your body speaks louder than words. Be aware that your body is always communicating something. Make sure you’re “saying” what you mean to.

Following are some do’s and don’ts for empathetic acknowledging and listening:
<br/>:)o’s:

•   Use direct, but unthreatening eye contact that shifts between each eye and the mouth. Eyes soft and steady, showing interest.

•   Relax your facial expression (no tightening or scrunching up) with a neutral expression or genuine half-smile. No false smiles that don’t reach the eyes.

•   Uncross your arms

•   Tilt your head slightly.

•   Nod your head slowly to show you’re listening (unless you disagree with what your family member is saying).

•   Relax your body (seated or standing).

•   Keep your arms loose by your sides.

•   If seated, lean slightly forward to show interest. Don’t slouch.

•   Avoid using your legs or feet as a barrier.

•   Be close (no furniture between you) but not too close.

•   When it is your turn to speak, wait a full second and talk at a normal pace.

•   To make the BP feel more comfortable, mirror his body position in a subtle way. (If he’s sitting, you sit. If he’s crossing his leg, cross yours too.)

•   Touch is the ultimate nonverbal connection. Where and how depends upon the type of relationship and the specific situation. Even quick touches are powerful. Take stock of the situation to make sure touching is okay. Be cautious because it can be misconstrued.
<br/>:)on’ts:

•   Grit your teeth.

•   Stare, glare, or look away.

•   Close your eyes.

•   Grimace.

•   Frown or scowl.

•   Furrow or arch your eyebrows.

•   Yawn.

•   Fidget.

•   Tense up your body.

•   Lean backward.

•   Look at your watch or the exit.

•   Tap your foot.

•   Watch TV, do bills, and so on.[21]

His research showed that we convey 7 percent of our attitudes and beliefs through the actual words we speak. The rest comes from our tone of voice (38 percent) and our facial expressions (55 percent).

Yeah exactly. And that's the sole reason why when communicating with animals its more easier.

You dont have to think of what to say all the time. While with BPDs, just the process of thinking of what to say makes you anxious, also add that you dont trust them. This leads to your body language. And then triggers, mines... .all sorts of stuff. Even the tiniest bit of a change may be an alarm for them.

Plus, animals dont just think "act how you want to be treated"... instead they are more like "do unto others as they do unto you" So you show your love, and they show love in return. Very simple give and take. No words needed.

Well its more effective and if every human thought this way there would be no problems at all.

When dealing with a BPD. For example, they do something very ridiculous. It may be about you, it may not. You dont mind it, and just brush it off or just say to them that its ok. Or you change the subject. But they read from you that they did something wrong. Its written in even a tiniest of bit movement or a little sigh from you, mimics etc... .

And this leads to them feeling sorry and stressed again. These examples are endless.

So again, without certain formulas, if you focus on your inner feeling about how you want to show them affection and love, you wil solve everything.

We already know how do we convey feelings so its ok. Its only natural. Otherwise again it would be robotic.

"Be aware that your body is always communicating something. Make sure you’re “saying” what you mean to."

Yeah exactly. This will do work wonders. Yeah for example me, I always act very openly. Honest and open. But when I tell them what I see directly, it becomes a problem. They want honesty but they cant handle it. They know Im right. And even knowing this makes them feel inferior. So I focus on the good, but they still sense that I cant be open as how I would like to be in front of them. And this again becomes another circle in their part.

I love being direct and blunt. That is how I am. And I become stressed when Im not. I hate even the so called white lies. And they sense it... .


So without focusing on what to say, we should focus on only their good sides, almost, all the time. Its as if like, some sort of meditation when communicating with them. Like in some sort of cosmic way.