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I am guessing many of you will know this scenario. I feel my uhwBPD will keep going and going and will only stop when I am crying and begging "no more" (verbal not physical) and then he turns in to the "hero" who is going to rescue me and make things better. Now I have the clingy man who wants me to adore him and acknowledge how much he loves me and how wonderful our relationship is. Each time I am less able to "get back up" and in a way I sweep things under the carpet. My T explained I have to be honest with him how this affects me and if I keep bottling things up I will head to a breakdown... .but how do you stop the "hero" ride and bring them back down without it all turning to crap again?

Just so tired today... .thanks for listening... .

Hi believer 55,   I am sorry you are going through that,   it sounds really difficult. Do you have ways  to take breaks from the conversation when it is getting too intense? Nobody has to stay in a conversation that makes them feel put down or humiliated.

In the past I would stay in the conversation with my husband when he would become verbally abusive and get to the point at times that I had actually cried so much I threw up. There would also be times that I would fight back, This just tends to escalate things because like you I couldn't take it, I would break and call him names or invalidate him and make things 10x worse. One of the best things I learned from this site is the right time to walk away from an argument. It has saved my sanity more than a few times, I have rare moments now that it gets to a point where I am at a breaking point and even then it usually doesn't get that far anymore. You must try and save yourself from the verbal abuse, it's not going to do you any good by standing around and listening to it. I feel for you, I shutter when I think of myself in those beginning days. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know what was wrong with my husband and how he could turn on me so quickly, and get so angry. It wasn't until years later that I figured out what he had and how to navigate it so that my mental health didn't stray as well.

Thank you both xx

Hi believer55,


yeah, you can explain it to a pwBPD and there is a real upside to it in the long run. The way to do it is SET and DEARMAN - check out the workshops.

But when it comes to putting a stop to nonsense and abusive behavior now relying on the insight of someone who is not acting rationale is plain simple irrational. And you certainly don't want to be called that   The sooner you step out of the circular arguments the smaller the blowup. You need to a way to leave or otherwise take defensive steps that take control away from him. Solid boundaries may require steps which you may consider at this point radical and require acts you are not comfortable. But then the situations are not comfortable either  .

Some questions:

 Where do you draw the line? When do you feel disrespected and not listened to?

 Is there a preconceived SET statement you could use to try to put a stop to circular talking? What could it be?

 He can't stop talking about an issue - can you stop responding? If not what is prompting you to take up the gauntlet?

 Is there a place that is save in the home where you could retreat?

 Is there a place outside where you could retreat?

 What has been stopping you doing a timeout?

I don't have any answers, but just posting to say I completely understand that scenario.  We're in it right now.  My pwBPD just raged this weekend and now he's super charming, sweet and helpful while I'm still dealing with the sad and panicky emotions that follow a rage.  I *know* I need to talk to him but I also don't want to risk losing the temporary "hero." 

Before I learned about BPD, I found myself in the scenario you describe and it didn't feel good.   

The way I look at it now is that my husband has a lot of shame from his family of origin and can easily feel humiliated by his out-of-control emotions and behavior. The times when I also lost control of my emotions, it was almost comforting to him, since I'm such a logical and easy-going person and have so much emotional control. That I could lose it, made him feel sort of empowered and he shifted gears to "rescue" me.

It appears to be a power struggle and men like to be in power, to be seen as strong and capable. It's got to be humiliating for them to find themselves in a position where not only do they appear weak, they have also lost their logical abilities and are acting out emotionally in front of their wives or girlfriends.

Hi Believer55,  i feel for you and I understand.I know the scenario well and have posted recently about being at the end of my tolerance for raging.  I am not a cryer usually I hold everything in and lately The stress has caused me to feel sick.  My family doctor said i need to take care of myself more. 

So, I have been thinking a lot about not getting on that emotional roller coaster with my uBPDh.  I am staying on my own path.  Not easy, but am having some success.  I feel better. 

Good luck and take.  Love yourself!