BPDFamily.com

Even on days when we don't have out-of-control raging and meltdowns, it seems like my BPDw has to find SOMEthing to pick a fight about. Here's yesterday... .

I'm first up in the mornings, and I'm responsible for getting D10 fed and driven to school. (I'm also generally responsible putting D10 to bed at night, for all the cooking, any cleaning that I want done, household and auto maintenance, paying the bills, arranging appointments, etc. ... .but that's beside the point.)

BPDw is still in bed when D10 comes downstairs to finish getting ready. She goes into our bedroom, and she and BPDw get into a fight over how she brushes her hair. BPDw has a point, because D10 gets tangles and tends to lie about how well she has brushed. Nonetheless, the fight escalates so it sounds like two ten year olds fighting and calling each other names. D10 is not blameless here, but she's not the adult. Later, she apologizes and says she was grumpy because she had a bad dream where mommy left us without saying goodbye. That's like a dagger right to my heart. BPDw has gotten into the bad habit of either a) storming out of the house when in a rage and driving off or b) threatening to leave and never come back. D10 has witnessed plenty of this.

I get D10 to school, asking her about her dream, assuring her that mommy is not going to leave.

I spend the day at work. Oh, blissful work, where adults have reasonable conversations with me about doing things that are actually possible!

I go home. It's a beautiful fall day, and I'm enjoying the radiant colors of the trees. I'm in a good mood. I know that I am going to the place that destroys good moods, but I'm hopeful -- because BPDw has a group meeting at night. I get to have dinner alone with D10, and BPDw might not even talk much to me when she gets back! Yes, this makes me happy, and isn't that sad?

BPDw is getting ready to go. She's annoyed, because she can't find the hat she wants, and she thinks D10 lost it when she borrowed it two months ago. Now, that's certainly possible, and I remember her being annoyed about that two months ago. She spends a long while complaining and blaming, getting lots of apologies from D10. All this blaming isn't going to make the hat reappear. I try to redirect her to get another hat, and she turns on me, claiming I'd act just as crazy if it was something of mine that was lost. I reflect that I can certainly get upset, but I also try to be pragmatic and redirect my energy instead of just spinning my wheels pointlessly. I don't say any of that.

Instead I try SET to validate her but to get her to accept that she might not find her hat and she should come up with a Plan B if she wants to leave the house and go to her meeting. That bounces right off her -- she's in childish frustration mode. At one point, she makes D10 go up to her room to look for the hat. Of course, she can't find it. That's because we've already cleaned D10's room several times in the last few months and not found any hat. Not that BPDw would know that, as she almost never goes upstairs and may not have visited her child's room in a month. I don't offer to help look. I do think that one reason she can't find her hat is that the house has gone to hell. Forget about cleaning -- BPDw won't even pick up after herself. Her side of our bedroom is piled high with clothes (dirty as well as clean ones that haven't been put away since I did the laundry a month ago), trash, papers, bags of random stuff, jewelry boxes, cosmetics, you name it. The same is true for the living room, the kitchen work area, her closet, and her side of the dining room table. Even if her hat is in the house, it's probably buried under all this junk. It's like living with an extremely defiant toddler.

Complaining that she has no hat, no possible hat could work as a replacement, and she'll just have to suffer like she always does, BPDw leaves for her group. I give D10 a hug and tell her that while it's OK for mommy to be upset, some of that behavior is not OK. D10 and I heat up our dinner and watch a movie together. We have a nice time. I put D10 to bed and do some of my chores. When BPDw gets home from her support group, I'm washing the dishes. I brace myself for whatever mood she's in.

I ask how her meeting went. She seems a bit off and mumbles an answer. I ask if it went badly. She indicates it had, sort of. I say I'm sorry about that, and ask if I can help.

BIG MISTAKE!

A normal person would say "no" or "yes" or just thank me for my concern. Instead, she starts getting agitated. She says I've told her she's not allowed to discuss her feelings, so have I just changed the rules? I know this is going to go badly, but I try to engage. I say that I had said I couldn't be responsible for her feelings, but we could talk about them. It didn't matter ... .we were down the rabbit hole. Ten minutes of circular argument ensued.

I tried not to argue, but to escape without pointing fingers. I said it was confusing. It was -- she ignored everything I actually said and wanted me to explain things I hadn't said. I said I couldn't explain it. I said we should talk about it with our marriage counselor -- anything  to get away from the fountain of angry illogic. I tried to leave and she physically blocked me. She told me her meeting was about all those people telling her she should get divorced. I told her I wasn't interested in what they thought, just what she thought. She continued to berate me for a while, calling me a baby (not sure what that had to do with anything) as I tried to ignore her. She complained that this fight was all my fault because she hadn't wanted to talk about it but I made her by asking lots of questions. (If you'll revisit a few paragraphs back, you'll see I had asked how it went, and if there was anything I could do to help.) She stomped off to the bedroom and slammed the door.

That was one of our better days.

What happens if you hear something didnt go well, and hug her, telling her sometimes its hard after those meetings, and tell her she is doing her best... .and if she wants to talk a little later after she has time to herself for some processing, you are there to listen.

I did try to give her a hug and say she didn't have to talk about it, but she was already winding up. Is this a classic BPD symptom --  she demands comfort from me, but she won't accept it because she sees me as her source of pain?

I am guessing the usual BPD chaos is being further agitated by her meetings. It sounds like the people there are listening to her complaints and telling her to divorce, so maybe you are right. She comes back, is upset because she thinks she is being put by you into a situation where in order to  take care of herself she should divorce you. But she also doesn't want to lose you, and if only you would stop doing what you do... .etc.

It's a recipe for disregulation all around. You become the trigger because of her BPD thought processes.

I don't have a solution for you, though maybe understanding helps with being able to be compassionate. At the same time, the situation sounds so painful and stressful to your daughter and yourself.   

Hopefully someone more experienced than me will come along and comment to you. It's a push pull situation, I have one, too. Very painful.

 [I spend the day at work. Oh, blissful work, where adults have reasonable conversations with me about doing things that are actually possible!] - Quote from Flourdust.

So sorry for your situation, Flourdust, but I just wanted to let you know you brightened my day by making me laugh out loud at this one!  SO true!  I hope someone on this board has some helpful words of wisdom for you, you're obviously trying so hard to be a great father and spouse!

My work is far from blissful, and I hope to retire soon; but I do have the concern about not being able to have daily reasonable conversations with normal people.  Finding a way to get away and do that is going to be one of my main missions in life.

I wish I had answers - but this sounds like MY typical day as well... .

I read that, and I am very sorry for all that. May I ask what you are doing to take care of yourself? Therapy? Recovery groups? Reading? helpful apps? That's particularly difficult when you have a child involved. Is your daughter in therapy? Recovery groups? My heart goes out to the both of you.   

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and that's been helpful -- giving me some things to think about, mostly validating that I'm on the right track, sometimes pushing me to challenge my assumptions, helping me think more long-term.

I'm someone who likes to do a lot of research, so I bought four of the more popular books on BPD, and I've been reading them. Also, reading and sometimes participating on websites such as this one. And I've reached out to a few people I'm close to for support, which is also helpful.

My daughter has her own therapist, and I've consulted with her to be sure she's up on the issues. They have talked about mommy's moods and behavior, and the therapist has been constructive in giving the message that my daughter isn't responsible for fixing things.

None of it is enough, of course, but it helps.