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Title: Just learning about BPD Post by: tlshepp on October 13, 2015, 10:42:54 PM Just started a separation from Wife. Has stated not romantic enough despite going to Hawaii, Cabo, Poconos in first 3 years of marriage. Send flowers, chocolate try to go out weekly. Why would shut down for days at a time once we got married progressed to weeks and now months. Before marriage it was perfect, she was great I could do no wrong.
I give that background because now we don't speak at all. She claims she longer respects me and we should go our separate ways. She basically stated Im not romantic, I don't attend to her emotional needs and she's shut down. She was single for a long time with various relationships. However, she was married 3 other times all ended within 5 years. With her claiming 2 cheated and one she really wasn't attracted to. I'm a minister so is she. So this situation is even more challenging with question being how do you believe God for a change and at the same time move forward. Seeking a little insight by others. Title: Re: Just learning about BPD Post by: Mutt on October 14, 2015, 02:06:56 PM Hi tlshepp,
*welcome* Why would shut down for days at a time once we got married progressed to weeks and now months. Before marriage it was perfect, she was great I could do no wrong. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. It sounds like her fear of engulfment is triggered. A sufferer of BPD wants emotional intimacy and is incapable of it and push loved ones away when they get too close with their of fear engulfment and the distance triggers their fear of abandonment and they pull the person closer and the push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior. What does "engulfment" mean? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0) She basically stated Im not romantic, I don't attend to her emotional needs and she's shut down. Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder. Guilt is feeling like you did something wrong. Shame is feeling like there is something wrong with you. Many members would have to recall a memory from childhood to relate with that feeling of shame from a school teach or a parent. A sufferer of BPD feel more negative feelings than positive feelings and a sufferer of BPD need a lot of validation. Communication Skills - Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) I suggest read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Many of our members share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support. It helps to talk. |