BPDFamily.com

I have noticed that my uBPDh paints all new things white.  Of course, in time, they become black.

Books, for instance.  Every time he starts to read a new book, he says it is the best book he has ever read.  If it isn't actually that great of a book;  later he hates it and it is the worst book he has ever read.

And people.  Every new person he meets is just the most amazing person.  But, in time, they become the most horrible person on the planet.  Even our children.  When they are born, he is completely in love with them for a few years.  Usually when they are around 3 or so they are not hated, but certainly not painted white any more.

He has a daughter that he hasn't had much contact with since she was 3.  They write letters maybe once a year.  She is now around 30.  She is perfect to him.  I wonder if he ever sees her in person what will happen!  His 19 year old daughter that was raised by us is now painted black and they have no contact.

He is like this with churches too.  He has been to pretty much every church in town.  Starts out saying it is the best church with awesome people.  Within a month or so they are the spawn of the devil!

So is this typical of a pwBPD?  It is sometimes amusing to watch, but concerning in respect to our children (now 1, 6, and 7).  Anyone else have long-term experiences with BPDs and their children, in a situation like this?

I've seen this pattern with my husband (except that neither of us has children). We'll go to a concert and it will be "the best show he's ever seen."  He will be that enthusiastic about a book, or meeting some new acquaintance.

He doesn't always degrade the people, objects or experiences, but he will soon forget that he labeled the previous one as the "best." Soon after there will be another show, another book that is "the best ever." (It is quite amusing to observe.)

However sometimes he'll be so enamored with a friend, until they don't totally live up to his expectations, then he'll paint them black, sometimes saying "the friendship is over" about some minor slight that I wouldn't have even noticed if I were him. He usually will give them another chance--unless the friend is mine--then they will be judged much more harshly.

My wife does this with people. New friends are the greatest, new coworkers are fantastic, new groups are completely right for her.

Then the splitting and emotion-driven conflict start. The new friends do things to piss her off. The new coworkers get divided up into heroes and villains, the group meetings suddenly become all about conflict. I suspect this is why she gets driven out of jobs (or at least sidelined in jobs), and why groups she joins either make her unwelcome or fracture and break up.

Hi LilMe,


this is quite common with BPD. When getting excited - and new stuff tends to be exciting - it is over the top. It sort of follows the BPD relationship phase starting with honeymoon  .

It can be very much over the top and that is invalidating to us more balanced persons. It is critical however to be aware that we do feel different and accept it rather than fighting the pwBPD here. Validation of over the top requires us to honestly acknowledge how the pwBPD feels: "You believe this combined automated lawn mower and trench digger is the best thing since sliced bread.", "Wow, how deep are these trenches going to be?" and only then "Hmm, where do you want trenches the next year" and only then finally "Ahh, I wonder do we need for 3 foot trench this robot?".

You can't stop over the top emotions but validation helps to moderate them. It is usually more pleasant to deal with positive dysregulation but clearly also positive out of control emotions can cause trouble and dig someone into a hole. From the perspective that children are around - best what you can do is being a role model for good validation.

It hurts the children when they are involved.  For example at a church; where they make friends and like it, then he abruptly says we can't attend there anymore.  He did this last Sunday with a church we had been attending for a couple of months!

He unexpectedly decided to sign them up for Tae Kwon Do in May.  They love it and are doing great, but he said they have to stop after this month (yes, he gave lots of seeming compelling reasons why).  They are disappointed, to say the least.

He had a teenage daughter who lived with us.  She met a really nice guy and they started courting with uBPD's blessing.  He initially loved the guy, his family, everything about him was perfect for his daughter.  A couple of months into the deal, he decided the guy was bad and told his daughter to stop seeing him and he would never approve of her marrying him, because he didn't like the church he was a member of.  His daughter (18) ran away, married the guy, and has no contact with her father now.

The list could go on and on!  I do my best to validate the children's feelings, but wonder what damage it is doing.

Hi LilMe,

flip-flopping is highly disturbing to children :'(. The challenge for you is to stop making commitments when he is painting things white. Validate and have a cool down period - have a boundary - rule for you - conditions to be met when you agree. And when you agree make sure it is solid and hold him to his commitment. It certainly is not easy (similar to managing financial overspending) but in the end the only part you control is yourself. Kids will learn over time what commitment they can trust - you can make sure there is at least one parent who is reliable.