BPDFamily.com

I have been doing some reading that supports the idea that BPD symptoms lessen with age. I know some of you have been with your partners for a long time (hats off) - I mean decades. Has anyone noticed a mellowing of symptoms over the years? I think I am grasping at straws... .lol.

I have read that too, but I wonder to what extent family members having resources for learning better ways to respond accounts for the lessening of BPD symptoms with age.  

The only thing about my h's behavior that changed over our 31 years of marriage before I realized this is probably BPD is that he stopped drinking.  It was only after I changed the way I was responding that the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical rage decreased.  

It was only after I talked with our sons about why his behavior had been that way and what kinds of things made it better or worse and they started changing how they communicated with him that his interactions with them improved.  

The potential for the unpleasant behaviors is still there, though.  His emotional perspective is still the same.  When his feelings are involved, he's like a child.  Even his sister calls his behavior "tantrums".  There are times that I lose patience and don't use the tools... .and I know to be prepared for anything.

hi believer55, my partner believes that BPD symptoms lessen with age. He's very clear that he behaved in a BPD manner when he was younger and he thinks he's much improved since he's gotten older. I of course have only known him for 3 years so I can't vouch for him myself, only what he says.

BPDh is 48, and I've known him for four years. He's gotten worse, not better, and he's in DBT, and now on meds. He'll get better for a short while, then he goes right back to how he's likely been his whole life. I doubt he'll change, mostly because he doesn't hold himself accountable, and seems to lack the true motivation to really change.

I wish it were as simple as the behaviors just lessening with age, but it would be nice to think it may happen.

Its hard to say.

I have read some that said post menopause they got better. Ive read others saying they got worse.

I think its like anything that it may work for some and not others.

Also we need to bear in mind social differences with age. Less supply may mean that they cut back on their behaviour and try harder. They may see that its not age appropriate. They may on the other hand try harder to gain supply fearing it will disappear.

To me it seems this particular illness fluctuates with life events rather than with age. My exBPDw always had her symptoms worsening when she had to adjust to a new situation. Like leaving school, getting established on the job market or becoming a parent.

I supposed many people get past that and find stability later in life and therefore it seems like BPD gets better with age.

The environment and the nature of the enablers certainly affect this.


 

This is a good observation. Stress plays a large role.

The studies that have looked at population dynamics suggest "better with age" to mean comparing pwBPD in their teens and early twenties to pwBPD over thirty/forty.

 

I've been around my wife for over 20 years.

I think it has more to do with stability and life events, rather than age.

I would have called her "BPD light" for the first 15 years of marriage.

We were out of our home after a natural disaster (flood) for about 6 months at year 15 in our marriage. 

Things got out of control and stayed there for several years.  Honestly until I heard about BPD, read SWOE and found this site... .I had several out of control years for my family that were horrible.



FF

My father-in-law most likely has BPD as does my wife, and he has mellowed from my memory of him when I was younger. As others have suggested, it could be as a result of a less stressful environment since he is in retirement now. I tend to believe its a combination of that and very slow learning of more ability to control their extremes.

Ive come to see BPD as like being a teenager for a very long time. A rebellious period where ones identity is formed, values solidified and learning to develop relationships takes place. While some BPD's I think get stuck in this phase, I wonder if its more a journey that is just very slow and the teenage years just about last a lifetime. Have a think about your girlfriends/boyfriends in highschool. How often did arguments and break ups happen over silly little things that as adults we would not concern ourselves over!

My wife is also better now than early in our marriage. I think that's partly the honeymoon period which is much longer with a BPD and the fact that my behavior has changed naturally for self preservation. I guess we formed more of an equilibrium over time. Though having only learn't about BPD in the last 6 months I can see now that part of that was learning to manage situations was in the wrong way which has had a detrimental effect on my own quality of life and well being.

I tend to believe though, that for many (not all) whom do not even know they have BPD, that they naturally learn some good management skills along the way because ultimately they don't want to be alone. A lifetime of difficulties and mistakes are going to occasionally lead them to try things that actually work in a positive manner, though probably after trying all the destructive methods first.

So I would suggest some can improve, some don't and for various reasons. My experience is there is improvement with age.

I would say that there are a lot of factors.  Let's be honest.  There are always people out there who are immature and enabling, and if a pwBPD keeps hanging around those people, symptoms will not lessen.  At the same time, as the years go on, the pool of people that a pwBPD can pull from becomes smaller and smaller.  The last guy my former friend BPD dated was a few months older than her.  The new guy is about two years younger than her.  She's 23 and out of college.  People are going to soon get tired of dealing with an adult who acts like a teenager.  It just isn't attractive, honestly.  She once texted me and said, "My bad girl appeal is part of my allure."  I didn't even bother replying, but I was thinking, "Actually, it really isn't."  One of the things that her ex-boyfriend hated was when she would act like a party girl.  He once told me, "I didn't need a slut." 

Her symptoms flare up when there is no structure in her life and when she goes through major life changes.  Her first suicide attempt came not long after she started college.  The second one came when she was working as a long-term substitute teacher, the school year was almost over, and she had no job lined up for the summer or the fall.  She started cutting again not long before her first long-term position ended and she didn't have another job lined up.  The second position was only a month long, and not longer after it started, she began smoking pot again.  Now, she's working at a gas station and just moved for the sixth time in the past year.  Only time will tell what happens.

To me, it's very clear that she has gotten worse over the past few years. 

I've read that the suicidal behavior  lessens with age, but without treatment (and sometimes even with) the splitting, intensity of feelings, push pull, lack of stability and etc. all stay the same.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. My uBPDh comments that he feels he has always been this way and relates back to times in his teens and 20's where he was struggling and he now realises how unfair it was on those around him. He is now 43 and the splitting and raging came to a head with us but after a threatened walk out he is really trying to sort himself out. He refuses to think it may be BPD but all the symptoms are there. He likes to view his behaviour as "not so bad" :) The 5 years we have been together have been rocky and although he is managing the rages better - I can tell just by looking at him when he is dysregulating or splitting - these times are still regular. I think even cyclic.

Ineteresting to see what will happen over time.