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Lately I find myself thinking about my exBPDgf a lot more. It seems everything triggers memories. I was almost two months strict nc until last week I texted her after too many beers. It was the same old thing. She blamed me for everything and basically said the door is closed. Me like an idiot poured out my feelings again. It seems I've forgotten how to remember the bad stuff she did to me. I keep focusing on some good memories which weren't all that long ago. There are days when I want to text and ask her why she did this to me. Or tell her that she has a problem. I know none of that will work but it's all I can think about sometimes. I'm trying to see a silver lining in this. Im now single for the first time in 20 years ! I should be eager to start a new life. Some days it's a struggle especially in the morning. I wish sometimes I would check phone and there would be a text from her. I really wish I never texted her as its taken me back a few steps. I really hope this gets better. This is the worst feeling ever.

Hi Bigmd

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for getting as far as you have. I bet if you look back at how you were at the beginning of the breakup and compare it to now, you'll see that you've made massive progress. That's what I make myself do whenever I have bad days. I've found that they are now starting to become less and less, so that now when I actually do have a bad day I feel worse because I feel like those days should be behind me now.

It's best to accept how you're feeling, lean into the pain, give yourself praise for the progress you've made so far, and force yourself to do things that are good for you - meet with close friends, read your favourite book. Whatever it is to help alleviate the pain.

It does get better. I'm at month four now and I'm so happy to finally see the good days outnumber the bad.

Thanks Hopeful that makes me feel better. Sometimes I'm just amazed how one person could bring me to my knees. I think what makes it worse is we have been together for about six years. 4 of which was while I was married. I always thought the way she acted was a direct result of me still being married. But I look back now and it was her borderline showing through. Red flags were abundant but I loved her like I never loved before. 1.5 years after my divorce and she was still acting the same way.

I don't know what it is today but I feel completely lost and sad. Almost to the point of anxiety. It's so weird , I havent felt this in a while. It all started when I was thinking of contacting a mutual friend of ours that I haven't spoken to since the breakup. I have a feeling my ex told her a different story and that's the reason she hasn't reached out. I kinda wanted to set the record straight . I thought better of it and didn't contact as I don't think it's gonna help the situation. This person though has been on the receiving end of my exes anger and subjected to silent treatment.