BPDFamily.com

To start off, before  I had met my husband. I never had anyone hate me. I don't like conflicts I like peace I am emotionally aware.  I have two children of my own one of which has autism and the other one lives with his father and has difficulties of his own. My son and my stepson are incredible together. There is a tremendous amount of Respect and love in our family. My husband is a police officer and work to tremendous amount of overtime. That leaves me with two children our pets and an elderly friend of the family that I care for that we moved into our first floor of our home. I'm a stay home mom and I do my best for my family and my children. My husband and I met in 2009  and I was then forced to meet his bipolar ex-wife. Since she met me we have never had any real conversation,  she gets information from different sources that are unreliable. When I first moved in to my husbands home she turned all the neighbors against me from the start it took well over two years for the neighbors to get to know the real me without the judgement that she initiated. She always has tried to have my stepson hate me and  until 2012 he did. He was disrespectful, and this was allowed by her. The only way I can describe it is that she turned my stepson into a priz to be won. Since that time I went to coparenting classes and to a counselor tailored to meet my needs as a new stepparent.this was after she told a judge at her child support hearing that I was a Iv drug user, which was of course completely unfounded by investigators. At that point she had cross the line of hurting me to possibly hurting my child. My husband tries not to stir the pot too much and I feel he allows her to   Get away with everything. I have said on multiple occasions if anything ever happens to me she is the one to go to, I don't put it past her to one day have me lying in a ditch. I'm petrified of her And the lies that she tells. She is perfect in her own mind even though my stepson and my husband  are in the first steps of a custody battle. My stepson and I have an incredible relationship and he now wants to live with me my husband and my autistic eight-year-old. She found out recently that my stepson delete text  Messages I sent to him and she then wrote a cease-and-desist letter to my husband. I don't think she realizes that it is her actions that has him deleting the text not mine. She is always done  this type of thing the point of the matter is I hold such a resentment because I'm not able to talk in a lengthy matter to my husband about it, and the anger builds and builds and builds little by little until I find myself  needing to take Xanax to calm me down. I don't know how to keep myself emotionally healthy anymore. I think I am going to start seeone  The counselor that I saw before regarding my stepparenting. The step mom now has my stepson in therapy, and has the ability to give the outward appearance of normalcy , But she is as angry manipulative and vindictive as they come. The therapist has already stated she thinks my stepson should remain with his mother, yet come Friday afternoon after school  he wants to be picked up right away he does not want to spend any time in his mothers home she's newly married to a will to do man, and now think she's better than everyone. She think she's untouchable but I have had my stepson tell me of abuse neglect and my husband has seen it with his own eyes as well . Inappropriate statements made to the child. I feel like every time a professional Meets her they think she's fine. How can her true colors finally come out how can people see what she's been doing to me for years? My therapist know my sons therapist knows my counselors know but they don't discuss with  anyone but me what do I do  and how do I get rid of this resentment ?   I know she's sick I know her brain works differently but why does that give her an excuse to torture me and cause conflict between me and my husband ?

  Welcome to the BPD Family,

     I'm still pretty new myself, but I'm glad to have found this site and I hope you will be able to find a lot of resources here and support to help you through the hard times.  I am in the same boat with wanting peace and even though my ex shows more signs of BPD than bipolar, he acts like his D12 is a prize too.  He wants to "win" her because in his mind that is how he proves that he is the good parent.   

You have so many different sources for stress and I think it's great that you want to talk to someone for emotional support.  Do you think your husband would want to go with you or maybe just give you input on concerns he wants to share? He has long hours so it might be better for him to pass stuff along in the beginning.  Does his ex have a diagnosis as bipolar? 

For this site, I would start with the resources/lessons on the side.  Also, try to keep a log of events of any incidents with her, anything stepson says, problems with drop off/pick up, etc.  I use an online calendar and print out reports, it shows a trend with my ex and is good to have just in case.  It does get overwhelming, but I hope you will have time to frequent here for advise and to tell us more of your story.  We are here for you. 

Hi Confounded,

I still feel pretty new here, but I wanted to welcome you here too. Being a stepmom is hard, so I'm with you there! For me, and maybe for you too, it can feel lonely -- like nobody really understands you right away -- and that can be compounded when your SO's ex is a high-conflict person.

I don't know if I have any specific words of wisdom for you, but I hope you find this site to be a place of relief for you, where you can describe what you're dealing with and know that people here really, really get what you're going through. That's probably one of my favorite things about this site -- when I have a hard time with how my SD's mom says all the right things about doing what's best for the kids, but then her actions are different, members here get it, and I don't have to feel like I'm the crazy one.

Hang in there... .We're hanging in there, here, too.

Hi Confounded,

I wanted to welcome you to the BPD Family too.    

You are not alone.  I arrived here a year and half ago a very angry girlfriend of a man with a uBPDxw and 2 daughters.  

I was angry at the uBPDxw, the 2 daughters (10 and 14 when we met), and my boyfriend.  I was angry at the ex for all of the abuse and chaos she rained down upon my boyfriend and their daughters and all of her interference in our relationship, I was angry at the daughters who were spying on their dad and reporting back to mom and who also made false abuse charges against dad, and I could also be angry with my boyfriend when he didn't handle things the way I thought he should.  I was frustrated with the whole situation and my inability to control anything.

One very big lesson I learned coming here is a simple concept (easier said than done) was that I can only control myself (and it's such a bummer too because you are reading the words of pretty major control freak  *)).

You cannot control mom she will do what she is going to do. My SO and I began to disengage from mom's drama (our mantra she's gonna do what she's gonna do).  This was not easy and we fell back to old habits and knee jerk reactions but still tried to not feed the drama.  

I knew we had gotten pretty good at letting go of trying to control mom and engage in the drama when mom and younger daughter took the older daughter to her freshman year of college.

Mom had already cut into dad's time with the kids but we let it go so younger daughter could go see her sister off.  The day they were to return we got a call from uBPDxw to let dad know they missed their flight due to traffic   Really? Traffic in Burlington Vermont on a Sunday, I'm sure it was absolute gridlock!   In the old days we would have been in a panic... .was she kidnapping the kids, or angry... .younger daughter was going to miss school, or just disgusted by mom's irresponsibility, but instead we told her to email her new itinerary and we went back to eating our lunch.

It was her problem we didn't engage, and we didn't try to control... .we let it go.

So as hard as it is try to disengage as much as you can (obviously not if the kids are in danger).  

The other thing that is helpful is taking care of yourself.  :)o the things you enjoy, spend time with friends and family, alone time with your spouse (ex-wife talk prohibited!), eat right and get your rest (we all function better with a clear head), read or watch a good movie and emotionally escape for a little while.  :)on't give the ex the power to fill your thoughts.  If you feel like it's getting to be too much just take a break from it.

I'm glad you've found us and know you will find lots of information, support, and people who just "get it" here just like I did when I first arrived.

Take Care,

Panda39

Oh, also if you end up in a custody battle we have a "Legal Board" for discussions, advice and strategies related to high-conflict divorce/custody legal cases.

Hi there,

It's both sad and funny how so many of our stories can be similar yet different.  My new wife struggles with some similar things.  I was married to my BPD ex-wife for 13 years.

You wrote:

"My husband tries not to stir the pot too much and I feel he allows her to   Get away with everything."

I see this as being true of myself, and I know it is true of my best friend who also has an ex-wife like this.  These people are all about control, all about maintaining appearances and controlling the perceptions of others.  Many counselors, especially the kind that deal with co-parenting issues, sadly are not trained to recognize these kinds of things, and so from what I gather they are easily manipulated.  I have a mediation appointment this week with my ex, to see if we can come to an agreement about parenting time for our youngest child, and I am dreading it because I know how it goes.  I will be cast as an aggressor.  I will be cast as unreasonable.  And she will make herself look like a pleasant and misunderstood victim.

I'm not saying your husband is right to avoid stirring the pot.  I'm saying that I understand it.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, when in a relationship with a manipulative, vindictive, and spiteful person like this, you learn to do everything you can to try and manage conflict and outcomes.  You do anything to placate them and keep them away from you, because they have demonstrated to you and others quite comfortably that they are willing to do literally almost anything, without conscience, to destroy you and get what they want if you dare to try and expose them for who and what they are.  So, you learn to avoid fighting them, for better or for worse.

But sooner or later, you get to the point where you stop playing their game of pretending that they are "normal."  You learn that no matter how nice you try to be, they will still slice your throat if you get in their way... .and sometimes even if you don't.  So, you adjust your expectations about life.  You learn to radically accept that this person is in your life and you likely cannot do a thing about it.  You learn to radically accept it like a person with a chronic illness does... .it becomes the "new normal," in a sad way.  But you learn to pick your battles, and you change your goals.  You seek to improve the quality of life for your children rather than to control the outcomes for them.  You seek to cut this person out of your life as much as possible, rather than trying to rationalize with them or communicate with them.  You seek to expose the truth rather than to "win."  You may or may not "win", but you can at least expose the truth.  You make it a goal to protect your life and you worry less about what others believe -in fact you learn to expect that there will be people who buy their BS.  You also do what you can to no longer allow this person to infect everything in your life... .your thoughts, your anxieties, etc.  They are out to destroy and selfishly conceal who they are.  

Here's the tough-to-accept bottom line:  You cannot expect anything more from her than what you are getting.  A person like that is going to act like a person like that.  Asking yourself why is a fools errand.  She *needs* to make others miserable.  She *needs* to attack others to conceal what she really is.  She isn't going to stop.  So accept who and what you are dealing with.

This isn't easy.  My wife of almost 6 months is sadly understanding this.  She sees how my ex-wife can steal my mind away by a single act... .whether it is the latest manipulative lie to my youngest daughter, in her attempts to keep her from me, or whether it is the new kitten she bought her... .anything to influence my daughter to want to be with her and to overlook all the neglect.

All I can say is... .this is, sadly, the life you have for yourself!  It is a battle.  It is worth it, though!  My new wife has made a HUGE impact on my youngest daughter... .so huge I can barely quantify it.  My daughter has a true mother, now.  And no matter how much she loves "mommy", she knows it is true.  No matter how much a parent lies and manipulates, a child knows who is actually there for them.  So, do what you can to not let this crazy person's drama steal your eye away from your emotional connection with your stepson.  You are planting deep seeds that he needs.  Kids who have secure, strong attachments will be okay, even if they have a terrible, insecure attachment with a biological parent.

So here are some things to keep in mind:

-Document everything

-Realize that as much as these sick people can manipulate so many, there are always a lot of people who see the truth... .teachers, other parents, etc.  they may not outright say anything, but it just isn't that hard to see.  Unfortunately, there is also no shortage of people who buy into their charm and feel compelled to drink their koolaid, as well.  But accept it.

-Keep the faith and try to keep a long-term perspective.  Think of 10 or 20 years from now.  Will any of this crap even matter that much?  Not really.  Eventually, he will be okay.  He will be drawn to the people who offer him security and love.  And he will have to go through the difficult task of processing the pain and betrayal he is constantly bombarded with from his mom, but it will become part of his story.  And that doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It can be a very good thing.

-Be a sounding board for your step-son.  Listen to him.  Validate while not bad-mouthing his mom.  "I'm sorry, buddy.  I would feel that way, too."

-The thing that is so exhausting is the unrelenting demand to show the world who she is and stop her in her manipulative campaigns.  But you can't.  You can't stop a person like that.  We can't control other people at all.  You might be able to expose her in court, if the situation presents itself and you have enough witnesses and evidence.  But that won't stop her from being who she is.  So give yourself a break.  This person is going to cause problems, but that doesn't mean you need to allow it to consume you every time... .especially when you realize that, in the long run, all of their manipulation doesn't change ANYTHING.


I feel for your situation.  My new wife is incredible, but I know she is struggling.  She is a very sweet person, and she has told me that she has never really hated anyone in her life.  But she struggles with hating my ex wife.  She hates all the damage she has done in me.  She hates all the damage she has done in my children and how those hurts perpetuate themselves within our household.  And she hates how this woman still takes from us.  It is definitely not for the faint-hearted.  Just realize that eventually the truth has a way of showing itself.  These people cannot help but burn bridges everywhere they go.  It is going to happen, so it is a matter of preparing these kids and supporting them until they come to that decision for themselves.

It is sad how these people use counselors to promote their agenda.  For my ex wife's son, who is homeless and addicted to drugs and has a history of violence toward his mother, she explains with tears to others how he "has bipolar".  And of course, people feel so bad for her and she gets to be the victim mother who tried so hard with him.  *puke*  The truth is that he was never diagnosed with bipolar.  How do I know?  I was the one who took him to all of those appointments, not her.  It is just part of her agenda to find something in the other person and draw all attention to that.  For my youngest daughter, she has been telling people for years that she has Asperger's.  Actually, she doesn't.  She was never diagnosed with that, and now that she has a stable and loving mother-figure in her life (my new wife), my daughter is like a new kid.  But still, my ex wife will perpetuate this lie.  It couldn't possibly be that my daughter was so regressed because her own mother neglects her, could it?  Nahhhhh... .right? :)  They will really use anything they can to point the finger at someone or something else and deflect the eyes away from them.  They are masterful at it.  They've been doing it their whole lives.  And if there isn't anything, they will make something up.

This is, incidentally, why my other older child (who doesn't want to live with mom anymore) refuses to do counseling with her mom.  This child understands how mom is and doesn't want mom infecting the situation, influencing the counselor, and being allowed to put on her show of being a "good and concerned mom who is trying so hard with an ungrateful teenager."

Wow. I hadn't been on the board for a bit and when I saw "exhausted step mom" I read through the thread.

I feel you. I sometimes feel such venomous hate toward this person who, after YEARS since she left my DH, continues a campaign of (depending on the day of the week) smearing my husband, being wonderwomanbestmomeverpinterestlife to my SSs so that our friday night popcorn and video must seem lame to my stepsons, constant pushing of boundaries, the demeaning my husband, continually badmouthing my husband to my adult stepdaughter (hoping she'll pick the UBPDx's 'side'?).

I really appreciate hearing your perspective OutOfEgypt. I feel for my husband sometimes who stands between an ex who regularly acts unhinged toward him and me who wants to slay dragons for him (and I'm vocal about it).

So - we've got to let go of the frustration and be the best parents we can be and be as involved as we can be. People do see the truth and we call out the truth. Play the long game - be a loving and supportive spouse & parent for a lifetime.

OutOfEgypt's advice is really well said and heard. I need this reminder. I needed this reminder today. I don't want to hate. I don't want my marriage and my parenting to be about this ex.

Panda39 is right too - take care of yourself too. We committed to these families - and that means the whole package. But the ongoing dramas and vitriol take a toll.

Hang in there Exhausted - take joy in your family and your husband - they are gifts. Let the rest go. I will too.

Good words to see today. I'm struggling today as well. It gets to be too much sometimes when the REAL mother is m.i.a. Out doing who knows what while I'm caring for her child and she's playing head games with the order.

I struggle with feeling like my life now consists of sitting around waiting for what her highness's next drama is so I can begin to defend that, while juggling paying all SD's bills, taking care of all SD's needs both emotionally and physically and trying to constantly be putting the pieces back together after a visit with the mother of the year and I get back a severely broken seven year old. Happy flippin' Friday.