BPDFamily.com

Recent post on FB from uBPDw.  Supposed retaliation(?) for my sharing posts about the beauty of marriage and what it can be:

A fantastic quote from Thomas Plummer that I believe EVERYONE can benefit from :

"If we accept responsibility for the situation, the situation almost always gets better. Denying responsibility, or blaming others, doesn't ever change anything.

No marriage was ever made whole by blaming the other person. No child ever improved self-destructive behavior by blaming the kid. No bad business deal was ever healed in court by former partners blaming everyone but themselves.

Accepting personal responsibility doesn't mean you let anyone else win, it just means you are tired of a bad situation and you are accepting the burden of making it better. Too many people are suffocating in bad situations that could immediately be improved if he or she just stood up and said enough, it doesn't matter who is wrong, it only matters that we fix it.

Want a better life with less drama and stress? Start today by knowing that the mess in your life usually stops when you stand up and own the responsibility for it. Ask yourself this: Do I want this to go away, and only I can make it do so, or do I want to waste my life blaming others for situations that will kill us all unless one of us is strong enough to say enough and fix it? In the end, it doesn't matter who is wrong or right, it only matters that your life is better and only you can make the pain go away." Thomas Plummer

Thoughts?

Good quote. But in the end it is only a quote like thousands of quotes out there, how we use it is more important. Guess what, BPD can use them enhance their image but do they actually apply them ? I am not so sure.

 

My guess is that reading a lot into this is something you don't want to do.

That is one of the things I hate about FB.  People try to read a lot into "why" people post this or that.

If she wants to send you a message... .let her send one directly.  Best to get away from "looking" for messages.

FF

Good idea.  Totally can see the way in which this can be read and also get an idea of how she might see the world through the filter of her illness.

She has to want to get better and re-establish broken relationships.  I am coming more and more to the realization I am likely at the bottom of that list with her valuing relationships with her daughters more.

Oddly - She and I communicate far more (which aint much) than my daughters will with her.

There is no way to hurry this.  Though I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted a resolution.  Whether positive or negative matters less and less.  I can only bring about a negative one on my own timeline (a.k.a. Divorce)

I _am_ getting twitchy, though as I have just been made aware of the advantages and disadvantages of divorcing when one lives in a different state.

 

What is you just moved on with your life without divorce?

FF

Moving on with life without divorce -

Still deep in the F. O. G. I guess. 

Before I had been made aware of the poss. of BPD, I was deeply afraid of her anger and the mean, hurtful things she said w/o regard for the feelings of those she spoke to.

I am still afraid of what she could do.  My daughters and I still live in the house we have in common w uBPDw.  She lives near her family now and has mother in hip pocket, so to speak.  Her family has access to cash thru wealthy 93 year old g-gma.  uBPDw's rages and access to cash make a frightening mix.

What does "moving on with life" look like?  Honest question here.  I guess in part it means "being a dad" with all that I am for what time I am blessed w daughters.  How do I plan for the future?

A deep discussion of this is more appropriate for the legal board. 

For here - what are the top two things you think or "fear" that she will do if you move on with your life?

Have you had a one hour discussion with an attorney on what she can do if she "really" came after you.



It's your house.  She left.  If she returns it may take some doing on your part to keep her out of the house (assuming you would even want that).

Do you pay the mortgage now?  Taxes?  Do you need her money at all?




 

I'm not suggesting this is easy.

I am suggesting... .that this is necessary to change the dynamic.  Changing the dynamic will give a chance for reconciliation or finality.  Neither are guaranteed.

Without changing the dynamic... .likelihood of any change is low... .

So... .you look at the things you control... .and make plans with that.  I think you control your house (this does need to be verified with lawyer)

I agree... .focus on daughters.  Focus on yourself.

FF

All good ideas.  Thank you. 

I will take time to go through them and get back.

She has pulled others since I last wrote and I am sick of the roller coaster.

I agree. Believing the quote is one thing, living it(actions), is another.

If your BPDw really believed the quote, her focus would be on what SHE can do to make things better, and herself better. In other words, you'd see it in her actions. I think sometimes they know what the right thing to do it, but they just lack the skills or "want to" to actually do it. I feel BPDh has moments of clarity, but they are brief, then he tucks his head back into his shell, and the world he's created there of denial, and not having to do any real work on himself.

And blame is a really hard thing for those with BPD to give up.