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I "let" myself become... .'Recycled'.

I needed another look, another chance... perhaps I missed something before.

So I went ... .watching my step and hers.

Wasn't long (same week) before she started to ignore and neglect.

Then, within days... I had an emergency, which I called her (early a.m.)

I know she was home, but she didn't answer.

On my way to where I was going, (which was by her house) so I took a quick turn to GO BY.

Strange car in the driveway... parked next to hers...

Ok... I may be slow, I may give a person the benefit of the doubt, but when your BF calls you in the early a.m... .and you DONT answer... .you DONT return the call (until 4 days later)

Tells me something smells real bad. I can't ignore the elephant sitting in the living room.

Anyway... .she called 4 days later on a Sunday night (I was sleeping) when I looked who it was, I wanted to swipe my cell phone and let it go to voicemail, but instead, I swiped it ON.

Realizing what I had done, I immediately Ended the call without answering it.

That was the end. No other calls, no transmissions. 2 weeks ago.

Today is her birthday, and we briefly talked about it. At times before she would quiz me to see if remembered what day her birthday was on, she was surprised I did. Funny thing, she absolutely could not remember mine.

So these past few days I had been debating... .should I remember her birthday? Should I at least wish her a HBday?

I even had a present. But I got on this board and starting reading... .reading... and REMEMBERING the stuff. The stuff that hurt my feelings so. The stuff that kept me in a continual state of confusion...

And I ripped up the bday card and asked myself...

Why? Why would I want to give her the message that I'm a sucker!

She could care less about me.

She's not sharing my feelings... .she's not missing me.

So... here I am. Still tangled in confusion. But at least I'm trying to help my self by KNOWING this persons not good for me.

I may not know WHY I have such attraction to this... but I know its not balanced, its not healthy... .and Nothing Hood can come from it.

Please please, I wrote this and shared this also hoping I receive some support, cause I have no one to speak with about this... .but this board.


JohnnyShoes

H Johnny

Its difficult but try not to be too hard on yourself. I also was recycled by my ex wife so have been there too. I felt worse after the recycle and part of this I think has to do with me feeling a fool for falling for it again.

We all have doubts and seek answers. One of the biggest doubts I think we all have gone through at some point is the "was it me" question. This recycle has answered that. I think after a recycle there is more of a finality to the relationship so this is probably another factor in how hurt we feel.

It hurts and I think we can all appreciate what you are going through. It does get easier though. With time and determination you can get through this. There are so many of us here that have. Even some foolish enough like myself who have had more than one BPD relationship.

EM

You are doing the right thing. The healthy for you thing. I understand. I myself am teetering on the edge of a recycle. I just received disappointing news. My oldest son just called to tell me he had decided not to move to Florida and live with me for at least a semester. His moving here was a huge reason I was NOT calling BpdH to ask him to return home.

I have many other reasons to stay away from him. But it's so so hard. I feel your pain.

We are doing the right thing. We have to follow our heads with this choice.

Peace.

Hang in there Johnny. Being recycled is nothing new to most on here, I gave it a try myself after moving out. It didn't work for me and sounds like you know exactly what's waiting for you down that road. It's sad, pulls on our heartstrings, but inevitable in the end. This is beyond our control. For me, it was trying to help someone who didn't think she had a problem - I became the problem.

You gave it a try, now hopefully you can move on with your life. If you have the courage, look inside and see what keeps you going back. For me, besides FOO stuff, some of it was a question of why I don't respect myself enough to leave. Finally the answer was that I do. Can you show yourself compassion and caring, put your needs first and be the care-taker for yourself now? Things will get better with time. It's a mini-rollercoaster of emotions but nothing like being with a pwBPD.

I had my heart ripped out an  46 days ago by my fiancee she left me with a text messaged saying now you have closure as if i was looking for it- she had her family member drop the ring off - keep in mine i was celebrating our love 2 weeks prior planing our 1 year engagement night--- we have not spoke since but found out on the day we got engaged around a month after we stoppped talking she was out with my replacement at a restaurant i showed her sipping drinks-- this was the girl i was going to marry thank god for the course of events that allow me to hurt because i had real feelings thank god for showing me i a better person, thank god for allowing my fiancee to show her weakness 7 months before our wedding--- thank god i can love because if i loved once i will love again and it will be equal and ill have someone who wont hurt me  with zero remorse---  we cant save them, but they gave us a gift in leaving - one the showed us to live everyday as if its your last and live for those you  love only by loving yourself enough to know what is in our best interest...

She said nothing on that day and i will say nothing to her forever- if i get weak i cry i i get mad i scream if i miss her i look at a list on my phone of the real her not the one my mind flashes back to- she shared some of the most special memories i have ever had with me, i appreciate them but i was spared a shortened life time of hell because all of this craziness is simply not sustainable - nor do we deserve a world of hurt or a pain and anxiety--- we never did -- we lived one day a short while ago before they were in our lives and we will live long after they destroyed the next one- if she has a car in her driveway imagine the next guy finding out about you--- I know she will never have someone more loving and understanding - i got her to therapy provided for her and gave her the world-- I can say peacefully i have no regrets --nothing we can do will ever help them understand unless they're willing to accept responsibility for themselves.  Take a minute picture your worst moment with her and realize it only gets worst once they start the cycle of disrespect--- respect yourself and become a better version of yourself tomorrow and everyday after that because in life we can only get better or regress into the a stagnate hole of self hate an pity ---- we can choose to be different an better they cannot --- lets do it and let us remember she let you go  call it mercy or pain but you were spared and rejoice that you have your life back now-- go live

Thanks Enlighten... .

Your words comfort. Knowing I'm not alone is a good good strength to draw from.

And yes, this is not the first time I've tangled with a bp. But it all goes toward my 'education'.

Thank you Hollycat...

There is Strength in having others in your corner. WE CAN do it. No going Back! Only Forward

Wise words and True Scgator... .

Yes, all those positive things have brought me this far. Putting myself first and realizing why I was playing with this... .what was the attraction.

No matter how you cut it or lable it... .

What I'm feeling, No One should have to feel in a healthy good relationship.

That alone should be all I need as far as answers to the questions.

Exactly.

Glad you experienced those positive things too, I think they keep us going. At least they do for me.

Standing Tall - What a beautiful post. Yes, I loved... .which means I CAN love... and will love again. To someone that will return it.

Yes, they start the cycle of disrespect and neglect... .and it does get worse.

We were spared. WE made it out.

Thanks my friend. Wishing you peace and love.

Johnny