BPDFamily.com

My relationship with my BPD ex ended Aug 30 and I thought she would never ever reach out to me again given how much disgust and hate she had for me and was literately afraid of me.  She just emailed me and says she is in pain and has been in pain and it doesn't go way and she wants to talk.  I want to respond and talk to her but I know I should not and it will only lead to more pain.  

I have been so calm and relaxed with out her in my life I am actually moving on and don't feel much pain anymore nor do I habitually read about BPD.

All of a sudden my heart is racing, I can't calm down and I am resisting the urge to respond but my mind is going crazy.  It's like she is a drug and I can't resist.  

Advice, Support please

Thank you

First thing, this is a normal reaction. I've felt the same thing.

2nd... most importantly... .you ALREADY described what you know to be true.

You KNOW it will lead to more pain (no matter how sugary she coats it)

Remember, they will say Anything to achieve the very thing they want. They are Masters at Manipulation!

Do you want someone who treats you poorly, neglects your feelings, doesn't take any responsibility for their words and actions?

You said you're doing fine without her, why would you want to Sink Your Own Boat?

Remain calm, cause its YOUR Life... you can choose to talk to whomever you wish... .whenever you wish... .you are not going to be bullied to respond.

Just stay on this board and read. You can get through this. We are here for you and have been there and some others are right where you are ... .

Johnny

It's hard to say.  If the email contained a heart felt apology, and therapy was a mutual goal then yes. If It's all about her needs then you would be going back to the same relationship.  We are here for you many try again.  Except they go in alone with out support or a plan.  Please no were here no matter what you decide

Thank you both, There has been no apology at all just outreach.  I know I can't respond to her but the mind keeps telling me to be there for her and help her through the pain.  I wish I could not feel so responsible for her and responsible for me.  I am codependent for sure, I want to drop everything and be there for her, Yet my mind forgets teh 20 times she dumped me over 4 years and all the times I have been broken and so damaged.  I know I am not calling her or responding at all tonight and I need to take it one day at a time.  part of me thinks I can help her and talk to her as a friend but that has to be just a freaking dumb idea... .she wants me to make her feel better yet she cares nothing about me.

This was great advice Thank you man

She was also in pain when she dumped you, etc. That's why it happened.

If you're set on moving on from her and the relationship, keep going.

It will be that much easier next time this stuff push or pulls at you. 

She is exactly like a drug you can't resist. But the only way to break the addiction is to stop going back, suffer the withdrawal, and let it exit your system.

I have also heard a lot of people here say that their BPD exes reached out at exactly the moment they were starting to truly move on, as if BPDs have some sort of extrasensory radar that senses when they're losing us for good and then they reach out to thwart our escape from their orbit of insanity... .


Read that sentence again. YOU wrote it.

(Btw, if my xwuBPD ever reaches out to me, I'm sure I will need this same talking down... .)

Keep in mind that she KNOWS how you responded in the past... .

Almost like knowing your soft spots (so to speak) and will most likely work on those till she gets what she wants.

I've done it in the past, but no more. The longer you play that game, the more she will try.

But you can do this. You sound like a caring person, but your caring for someone that will SUCK YOU DRY... .without giving anything back !

Do yourself a favor. Hold Your Course and full steam Away!

Cyclist, I have to agree 100%... .Weird how that happens

Hi ridefast,

*welcome*

I can relate with that urge when our exes reach out. I want to share with you what helped me when I was detaching. I found posting and reading articles on the site helped with keeping me ground through tough periods.

Here's an article from the 10 myths, myth 9 belief that you need to stay to help them.  I hope that helps. Hang in there.

Topic: 9) Belief that you need to stay to help them. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145967.0)  

Hi Ridefast

This is tough stuff. I don't know whether you should feel flattered or insulted that when all else fails, she sees her emotional survival as being contingent on your intervention! 

Either way, there's nothing in it for you whether you choose to offer her a temporary fix or not. Tough love dictates that you have to let her stew in her own juices and find more permanent strategies to stabilise herself. The reason why this is hard is that whilst we may feel we have detached, deep down many of us still love them in spite of all they've done to us - irrespective of whether or not we want to be recycled.


Fanny

Great advice and great insight, FannyB. I would struggle with this as well if my ex contacted me - despite the fact that I wouldn't recycle. It's tough to watch someone you've loved suffer - even when it's necessary for their growth.

Mutt, I was just reading the list, and Myth#2 just spoke volumes. "Thinking that your BPD partner feels the same way you do"

That was *my* biggest Myth. Glad you posted that. I thought I'd also copy and past all 10.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light