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Title: Need Advice - want to get this conversation right Post by: LilMe on October 17, 2015, 07:16:04 AM My uBPDh has really isolated me, especially in the last year. When we met, I supported my 6 children with a business, had a small farm, a few close friends and extended family, and did volunteer work. Over the 10 years we have been together, I have had to let my business go (he demands I be available at all times to do things with him because he doesn't drive due to blindness), my older children, friends, and family (can't stand to be around him), and after my last baby was born he asked me to stop my volunteer work and my part-time job (I really loved my job and he seemed jealous of it).
I am feeling so depressed! I have been pregnant/nursing for 26 years and adore all my children, but I need to be 'me' now and then! So that brings us to now. I took back over some of my volunteer duties without telling him. I handle a non-profit's online presence and most of their paperwork/computer stuff. I can do that from home and it doesn't interfere with him or our family. Of course, he found out when someone thanked him for letting me help :) He yelled at me about it for an evening, then seemed to be OK with it. The next day he made fun of it, but said he guessed it was OK as long as I didn't do any more than stuff on the computer. So my need of advice! The organization, understanding a little of the situation I am in, has offered me a paid position. Very part-time; like one day or even a few hours a week. They have never had an employee before! Their hope is that it will take the pressure off me and help out financially at the same time. I never know how he is going to react, ugh! If he will be happy, or flip out. Any suggestions as to how to word the conversation in a non-BPD-provoking way? I feel like I always say it wrong TIA! Title: Re: Need Advice - want to get this conversation right Post by: an0ught on October 18, 2015, 10:53:24 AM Hi LilMe,
the recent past is usually a good guide for the near future. Not exactly but patterns repeat. Based on that I would guess there will be a big upset with a grudging acceptance later. In general it helps to be clear what you want: - Do you want his approval? - Do you want his tolerance? - Do you want him sharing your excitement? Keep in mind the more you fear, dread and feel guilty the more he will sense negative emotions and react accordingly. On the other hand excitement on your side may be invalidating. Best to get to a level position yourself. And while you try your best you stiil can't control the outcome. What is the worst that could happen? Excerpt I never know how he is going to react, ugh! And that is ok. It is his problem how he reacts. You don't have the duty to or even have the right to control it. You can only offer the facts. Can you phrase it along the lines of the SET pattern? How do you protect yourself if he blows up temporarily? You have made considerable progress, keep going Title: Re: Need Advice - want to get this conversation right Post by: LilMe on October 18, 2015, 03:06:22 PM Thanks! That does help. I want his tolerance minus verbal abuse on the issue. I know not to be excited. I don't want to be manipulative either. The worst that could happen is that he will forbid me to do it and/or throw me out. I can handle put downs and rage.
I actually read something this morning about how our emotions are reflected back to us by others. Good point. I plan to be positive and level. I am waiting now on their decision on salary before I talk to him. He always wants to know every detail up front or he claims it isn't real. I am hoping to get a salary that will be enough to pay my child support each month. That would help make him happy about it! Thanks for the input! |