BPDFamily.com

Here is a summary of the "relationship"


From may-dec 2013 everything was going good.

Actually very good

I got a candle from her that she wrote

"I love you,Always and forever"

It made me feel amazing

The time flew by so fast

We spent so much time together

Walking her gods very often and I loved it

She was attending school

I was attending school and we still found time for ourselves

My last day of classes was Dec 12 2013

This was the day we last had sex

This means we had no sex for year and a half from today

This was the turning point for us

We continued being together

I loved her and wanted to work the intimacy issues out but she never wanted to do anything about it and this is what got me fed up

I tried talking to her to see,If her feelings changed or if she is no longer attracted to me

She said she loved me and it's because of problems like her weight why we don't have sex  

I wanted to help her and I understood

However it seemed as if I was the one ever doing anything about it

About a week before we broke up

She went to a doctor me out for having to pay $40

I would text her and she started becoming distant

Claiming that she doesn't have time to text me and can't text me

Later on I figured out she was texting during her work shift so she lied to me

I have caught her in multiple lies and have been told she is a liar by people that know her from the past

She would tell me she wants to go under a rock and die because she is hideous

That she is worthless

She always asked me if I love her

Faked breaking up with me countless of times

She walked out of my car and slammed the car door and said she is done and than within minutes apologizing and saying she is a bad person

Treated me like ___ countless times

Had Crazy mood swings

Yelled  at me at her home and in public and many more things that made me very confused

Honestly there was many times I was about to call it quits but her mom was very helping and would explain to me why she acts these ways

The weird thing is

She has two different personalities

when she is at home and when she is out with her friends/coworkers  

Around her friends

She has this personality of being down to earth

Me knowing this got me to the point where I was jealous whenever I hung out with her around other people

I saw how she was around them and than hated how she was around me behind closed doors

I could not understand

Totally unfair and hurt me because the way she treats people outside of her family is the way I was treated at one point

Around people that she loves

Like me her mom and her dad

She treats us way different than she does her friends

Towards us she screams and shouts and says rude things

Her dad is the one that she treats like complete ___

I can't understand why she talks down to him the way she does

This is her biological father so maybe because of her moms first divorce?

I don't know

I asked her and she told me she yells at him because he doesn't listen

Recently her mom has been divorced for the second time after spending 18years with him

She compares me to him

That I'll leave her just like he did to her mom

This can possibly be a trigger

I have always done things for her and her mom

Her mom has a back problem and I loved to help both of them out

The step dad was a truck driver so if he wasn't around

I was glad to help out

I mowed the lawn,

shoveled the snow,

raked the leaves,

washed the dishes

took care of their house for a month while they went to Poland

helped around the house with gardening,

building a wooden fence ,

helping them take everything out of their basement after it flooded

Took care of errands

Brought over many groceries without even asking

Called places to take care of things for her

Did car maintenance

Went on regular walks with the dogs

Fixed electronics for them

And many many more things

Around middle of may she called me at 11pm

She accused me of being in bed and keeping a girl quite

She literally said I'm ___ing a b___ and why am I keeping her quite

I'm assuming she did something and she felt guilty and tried projecting this into me

Holy ___ i was pissed

I decided to tell her goodnight and hung up

She wrote me a lovely poem but I appreciated it but it doesn't change the fact that you showed that you don't trust me

In July

I was helping the step dad build a fence before he left to Poland

It was during a couple 90 degree days where we both worked hard and sweated during the hot temps

I loaded the pickup truck with easily more than 2000lbs of wood

Every piece of wood went through my hands

Splinters and chemicals on my hands since it was treated wood

I didn't ask for nothing because it was for my gf and her mom

I did other things around the house such to during this time such as yard work

I really didn't expect to be let go in the next month

Hit me HARD

Around this time we also went fishing twice

Once with my friends and once with her dad

The day we went with my friends

She was holding my hand and skipping next to me telling me how much she loves me

It was amazing

I felt awesome


We went fishing with her dad and we had a pretty good trip

She put up a Facebook post that she is fishing with me,tata(dad) and her

In the status she posted she was feeling happy

Literally out of no where

I got a text at work

She asked for a break not to long ago and she gave me the reason that she wants to work on herself and be better for me

I didn't want a break so I talked to her about it

Than she wanted space

I tried giving her space but it was so hard not to text her

I didn't text her as much as normal but I did ask what exactly do you mean by space

Little by little

I started pulling out more information from her

That a part of her doesn't she us together anymore

She also told me in the beginning I was driving her to classes to get over her ex before me

Around when she asked for the break, she told me she still has dreams about her ex I don't know if she was trying to annoy me or hurt me

So that's great

Your saying I was a rebound and your still having dreams about him ?

Awesome

I told her I really don't want to be with someone that doesn't know what they want and doesn't see a future with me

My decision was wither we break up and go our seperate ways

Or we both give it out all

I told her this

She asked to be friends

I told her I can't due to what she has put me through

We decided to talk after work

We talked about everything

I wanted to work things out

She wanted to just give up and end the relationship

She thought it was the best choice

She said maybe we should date other people and if it's meant to be than it will be

So over a span of two week,I heard

I don't want to lose you

I want to start all over

I want to have a fresh start

I want to start over with you how it was when we started in the beginning

She wanted to be best friends

She didn't want to lose me again

She wants to be better for me

I called her one day and told her its either we work things out or we go our separate ways

I couldn't take it it anymore

I really wanted to work things out but it feels as if I was forced to breakup


So we decided to end it even though it's what I didn't want but couldn't force her

It's like I was the one forced to agree to break up

She got my hopes up at the end by telling me her cousin and her bf took 4 breaks and they got back together which was a lie

Her cousin said this never happened

I have heard she said to some people

That supposedly we weren't seeing eye to eye and that we grew apart

What couple doesn't grow apart if there is no emotional or physical intimacy for a year and half ?

I made sure to ask her how she feels about me and she always insisted that she loves me and wants to make love but she can't

Maybe she was lying and just leading me on hoping she would find a spark somewhere down the road ?

What the heck did I go through

I'm so confused

Did she ever love me or was she just stringing me along and she wanted to be friends incase she couldn't find anything better

How is it possible for her to move on like that on the unless she emotionally detached yourself way before she tried breaking up with me


Her mom's second husband left her after being together for 18 years

He told me I would have a hard life with them and to really think about if I really want to be with them

Her mom supposedly said Sex makes her feel like she is weak and hasn't put out for him in years

Similar to how me and my ex didn't have sex for 18 months

I always asked her if there is someone else or has she lost feeling for me

She always insisted that she did not and that it was her problem and nothing to do with me


Her mom also asked me three months ago to move-in help them pay their mortgage since her husband is leaving

I thought to myself am I just being used ?

I wanted to give her space

Everyone deserves space

But give me a legit reason

She wanted to be best friends again

How do you be best friends when she already broke my trust and lied to me countless times

Let alone the fact that she is kind of friend zoning me

It's like a huge smack to my face

She always insisted she was happy and when times where good they really were good

I went crazy and literally deleted everything that deals with her of my

Facebook and gathered everything she ever gave me in a box

Whenever someone asked me what happened

I couldn't hold the truth anymore

I feel so empty inside

Like I'm not the person I was when I met this girl

I feel like I'm only a shell of me

All these things I have done

I guess it's my way of moving on as fast as possible

Basically forgive and forget

The step dad told me it would be tough living with them

I know he was being honest now

He told me that my exs mom hasn't put out for him in a while

Supposedly she feels weak for having sex

Makes no sense if two people really love each other

Her mom also admitted to me that she wants gave the step dad a silent treatment for half a year

I didn't want to believe it but why would she Lie

This is the lady that told me she looks at me as her son in law and claims to always tell people good things about me

I wonder if this was true

I'll never know

The mom did help me manage her daughters behavior

This is why I think she has BPD

She told me her daughter does things such as

Scapegoating

Black and white thinking

Projecting blame onto others

And that she expects me to read her mind and know what she want

Kind of like a mommy role where the mom is to figure out what the child wants

Her mom told her many times how can you love Kris (me) properly if you don't even love yourself

This should have set off the biggest warning ever

The daughter told me she was in a psych ward

I still accepted her

I understood she had a rough childhood and things happen

Not the one to judge just because she was in a psych ward

She told me she had body dysmorphia and suffered from depression and major anxiety

I was understanding and tried to be the best I could be for her

Everyone gets depressed at times and I understand

No matter how many times she claimed she wants to crawl under neath a rock a die,I told her she is beautiful and not to do that because it would be self fish

Why do that to me ,her mom , and her father

She told  me she pushed all her past boyfriends away and for some reason I thought thy she really loved me and I wouldn't encounter the same faith

The daughter always told me she is a bad person and that she doesn't deserve me and why am I even with her

I asked her for about a year to open up to me

Even her mom asked her to be honest with me


I remember one day I grabbed her and tried to kiss her on the cheek and take a picture with her

She literally started crying in the mirror

I tried to comfort her but she pushed me away


There was times where she had to take a Xanax to go see a movie with me

I was furious but I understood


At the end she admitted that she knows one day I'm going to find a girl way better than her

Kind of hurts me since it came from her

That's the thing that hurts the most

I feel like I could see her soul and understand her

Kind of seems like if there is this girl I fell in love with deep inside of her but she just puts on a mask around others

Like a girl that is confused

Doesn't really know who she is

Maybe I'm over thinking things

But who knows

Maybe I'll never figure out and I will in the future

I know I gave it my all and there was nothing else I can possible give

It's like if I was on a roller coaster where the good times were awesome but the bad times were horrible

I feel as if maybe she realized what she put me though and she just wanted to push me away for me to help myself

I just can't grasp why do this to someone why loves you

The mother told me she was the same way when she was younger and that its her fault that the daughter is like this

That supposedly she never raised her the proper way

She told me that the daughter would kill herself if the mother ever passed away

I even recall the mother once saying that the daughter was a mistake

She had a kid in because she thought the first husband would change

Led on in the beginning

Busted my balls throughout the course of the relationship in which I always asked her if she was happy

She always said yes which sucks so much to


Only to be tossed to the side and she tried leading me on again in the end by giving me false hope about her cousins breaks that just were lies

What the ___ ?

What did I do to deserve this

Never even bothered to reach out to she how I was doing

Shows me how much she didn't want to lose me and how much of a fresh start she wanted with me

I wish nobody to have a experience like this

I rather be physical hurt since i have bruises and I heal

Emotional pain is no joke

I wonder if she even knows how bad she has hurt me?

Or does she even care or think about me was real

I just hope that her love towards me was real and she wasn't stringing me along


After everything we went through

All the good times and the bad

I swear all of this is the truth

Deep down she knows it is too

Everything was going good intill one day unless she was stringing me along the whole time

I wonder what hatred she wanted to get rid off

Hatred towards me or toward herself

I'm just in shock and need help analyzing things

Hello Ikryzys,

I'm sorry that you went through all of that, and I'll give you credit for being steadfast in the face of all of her splitting (you're good/bad/good/bad... .repeat), and the lack of intimacy. The body dysmorphic issues are pathological, as you later found out.

It's so tough to show love to someone who at their core basically hates themselves. A core trait of BPD is shame I'm a bad person." Whatever the root of that is (and it sounds like in part it may be due to unhealthy enmeshment with her mom), it lies so deep, so engrained in her personality, that only she can fix it, with a concerted effort of probably years of therapy.

Though you are severely hurt by this, I don't sense that you hate her. I read a story of a lost and desperate person, but also a real woman in there that you loved and cared about deeply. Perhaps the can help; it helped me:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0)

Keep posting Ikryzys, we're here for you 

*welcome*

Turkish

Yes I know

It going to take a lot of work on her end

Honestly I don't hate her

Part of moving on is forgiving the person

What she pulled on me did give me a boost in staying no contact

Especially since I tried working things out and she is the one that pushed me and wanted this

I defiantly agree

Her mom has problems too

My ex told brought up how her mom said she was a mistake infront of her

Her mom basically told her she decided to get pregnant with her first husband in order to change him

That is something you should never tell a child no matter how old they are

Her mom also met this massage clinic owner that gave her free massages for about a month intill he wanted more

She told us that if he wants more than friends that she won't allow that

So basically she knew he wanted to be more by everything he was doing for her and she used him as well

Sometimes I really want to reach out to my ex and try to see if she knows she has a disorder and is getting help

I really would like to suggest BPD to her because a lot of it just clicks and perhaps she can get a real diagnosis from a professional

Only thing holding me back is how she will respond

I don't want her to turn the tables on me and make it look like I'm the crazy one for trying to help

In the end

I believe both of them have very good signs of BPD and it was really tough dating the daughter because whenever there was a problem between us,her mom already knew

Her mom knew every single price of information about me

My ex claimed her mom is her best friend and she would tell her everything that goes on between me and her so it was like if I was dating two people at times

That definitely sounds like unhealthy enmeshment. A pwBPD lacks a stable sense of self. Parents with BPD often commit "emotional incest" turning to a child to fulfill the role suited to an adult spouse. It can be extremely damaging to a child, not all wing them to develop an independent personality. My Ex may have been a victim of the from her mother, and I was the target of what I saw were really her mother's anxieties, even though her mom always  liked me, and still does. It's an explanation, but no excuse for the behaviors we endured.

I'd caution you on suggesting a BPD diagnosis. It's understandable to want to do so. I did it once. It didn't go over well.

Your Ex already has multiple mental illnesses. That's enough of a burden to a person who already feels ashamed of herself.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0)

T

Yes this makes so much sense

Before we started dating she had many different phases

She had a tomboy have and than a punk/rocker phase which lead to a party girl phase where every picture on her Facebook was with a cup of liquor and at a party

Once we started dating

She stopped drinking alcohol all together since I'm into a drinker

It would also make sense that she has dyed her hair about 20 times within 2.5 years

She also has a dragon tattoo behind her ear that she claims reminds her she is strong

She wants a tattoo of a Phoenix on her ribs which I understand is a big BPD tattoo

Means something along the lines of every time she is down she get back up

A Phoenix burns its self and than is reborn so it's very similar to this

Her mother has a yin yang sign in her arm that is supposed to be the balance of black and white which makes sense

And they both have the same tattoo on their wrists that supposedly means it's the bond that can never be broken

My guess would be to preven either or from cutting so that they don't injure the tattoo (the other part of them )

Does any of this make sense ?

Makes perfect sense man!

In terms of appearance... .each one of those things in isolation doesn't really mean much but when they're all there together it's a strong indicator you're dealing with someone that has an unstable sense of self. Constantly changing hair colour, combined with the tattoos is a major red flag for me, especially if you take a look at what the tattoos are all about. For example having really beautiful designs of flowers and butterflys combined with dark imagery such as skulls, tombstones etc says a lot about someone's "split" personality. Or maybe having lots of child-like designs such as characters from fairytales or kids books/movies etc shows a lot about their emotional age. Getting them done can almost replace or be a form of self harm too from what I've experienced.

BPD contains a lot of duality (love/hate, push/pull, lightside/darkside) and an incredible amount of contradictory behaviour, which is one of the reasons people that suffer with it can be almost impossible to figure out. A lot of the people that suffer with it can't even figure themselves out.

Also, to focus on the issues you mention about sex... .in my experience, some people with BPD have no real problems sleeping with someone when there are no feelings and there's no intimacy involved. However, when they do have feelings and there is real intimacy, sex can be an ordeal, so they shut down and avoid it with the person they feel that intimacy with. A lot of the time it also seems to be that the person they're intimate with eventually comes to represent the absent/abusive parent they're seemingly trying to replace.

I can see you're in the stage of analysing and deconstructing the relationship you were in. That's healthy as long as it doesn't become obsessive. What I would say is its also a good idea, to try to focus on your own behaviour in the relationship and see what mistakes you possibly made, as ultimately its more constructive and will lead to you not only becoming a better, stronger person but will help you tremendously in future relationships!

Thank you for your insight

Honestly there are many things that led to the possibility of her having BPD

In the beginning,we would have sex very often

I understand that was probably during the idealization phase

She would do anything sexual during this time

As time went on

She told me so no longer wanted to do this or that and always gave me excuses

I think a big give away is how the stepdad told me that the mother claims she feels weak when she is intimate

She probably was to afraid of engulfment especially since it was her second husband


My ex told me she wants to make love to me but she can't

That's very weird

She liked doing crazy things such as me being rough but I guess once we started having more normal sex

Like making love is when she shut down

She also had many problems with her self image so that has a big impact on her self esteem as well



Now that I think about it

They have 3 dogs which they always claimed that they love them unconditionally no matter how the dog is treated

The daughter also had a stuffed cow that she slept with all the time

This cow was given to her when she was a young girl

I believe I heard her talking to the cow once

It's also ironic that she doesn't eat beef

She told me she saw a cow and she feel in love with them and that why she doesn't eat them

I'm guessing maybe since she is attached to this stuffed cow

That it has something to do with her not eating beef

The more I read about BPD

The more things start to click


I think the craziest is that she told me she pushed all her past bfs away and that she was the one to make them break up with her

  



Some other things I noticed

Whenever I watched a movie with sexy girls she would ask me if I'm getting a hard on or that I should go have sex with them

Extreme signs of jealousy

Even things that I saw on facebook other girls posting

I went to lunch one day with my friend.

She told me she went through my whole friend list to see what she looks like

Can you say red flag.?

She also went through all my liked pages on Facebook and made comments about the ones that involved anything to do with girls

Such as gym motivation pages and models with cars

Sometimes while driving my car

I would like to play rap music

She would always change the station and tell me that music is so downgrading to women

It's funny how at the last two weeks

She started listening to rap

Her coworkers are into that music from what she told me so I'm guessing she is copying them and trying to fit in


She would ask me the most bizarre questions

Like do I masturbate to the women in porn


There would be a good looking girl around us and she would tell me to go do her

Or even when I brought up any of my female friends

She would tell me to go have sex with them


I went to a bar with some friends where the waiters wear low skirts and shirts and she asked me did I enjoy myself and get any numbers

Like constant jealousy as if I was to leave her any minute



She also couldn't listen to girl vocals in dance music because supposedly the girls seen so perfect


There was a song that was very popular that was called alive by krewella

I had this song as my ring tone and she took my phone and tossed it in the couch to shut off the song

Maybe she was offended by the lyrics because she feels empty and always told me she was cold

Maybe this was a sign of some sort


If you care to check the lyrics

www.metrolyrics.com/alive-lyrics-krewella.html

She always had her friends list on hidden don Facebook

I saw sometimes that she would get messages from her exs and she told me she wale has wanted to remain friends with them but they never wanted to with her

It's as if she couldn't let them go



Any ways this awesome place to even just write down my ideas



Would appreciate more feedback of what you guys think

Hope I'm not annoying anybody

Anyone else have any ideas or does my information make sense


I feel like I crazy lol