BPDFamily.com

This is my first post on this board. I'm posting here because I too like others here are stuck. I am stuck with understanding myself and with trying to move on after seven months since the end of my relationship and NC since (except for lawyers :/ ).

My T has asked me about my FOO and I cannot remember anything 'bad' in particular that I experienced, more that I just never felt included or accepted in General. My mum was an angry person then, significantly overweight and unhappy. Mum was the one who mostly handed out the physical punishment.

Dad was off in his own world and still is, if its not interesting to him then he has no time for it. Dad just seemed to accept his lot in life and upon reflection as an adult theirs was not a healthy relationship.

Though I had no choice in the end other than to end the relationship with my exBPDfiance it was something I didn’t want to do and still struggle with calling it to this day. I still miss her and I'm still emotionally attached. I cannot seem to move on from this (perhaps sub consciously its more that I wont let go, I can't tell).

Do these kinds of family dynamics cause self image issues that carry forward into our adult intimate relationships? A lot of people have suffered much worse than just not feeling accepted or belonging.

Hi MincedGarlic,

I'd say yes, these kinds of family dynamics definitely impact on our adult relationships.

You pick out that you didn't feel accepted or that you belonged, but I see many more sources of potential pain in the little you have told us: the impact of living with a mother who has mental health problems (brings out caretaking/co-dependency tendencies in us and means mum has little love to give); the impact of ongoing anger and physical punishment, a disinterested and possibly withholding father, poor relationship role models, to name a few.

It doesn't have to be big traumas that sink us - it's the drip, drip, drip of little slights and pain that impact upon our sense of worth. People tend to defend themselves from childhood pain (stop themselves from feeling it) by minimising the effects of their experiences and by telling themselves that others had it much worse. It can take a long time to get in touch with FOO or core pain, so be kind to yourself whilst you allow yourself to connect.

Love Lifewriter

MincedGarlic,

Sure they do. I see your dad seems avoidant. My dad is narcissistic, I didn't feel like he wanted me around as a kid. I craved his attention, the attention I got when my ex wife was idealizing me in the beginning of our relationship felt amazing, I lacked that attention and validation in childhood. I felt accepted by someone.