BPDFamily.com

So I was feeling a bit of grief resurface again after a brief txt then call to ex.

I have read much about persons who eliminate all memories and clean their enviornment of reminders of their ex.  I have never taken this route.  While I have taken down pics that represent our r/s from the walls of my home, I have not tossed out items aquired during the r/s, such as a pot, pan, blanket, earings etc.  I have not tried to erase things from social media, and I have not unfriended his family... .they are still pleasant to me and I am to them. (He unfriended me tho)

So when I started looking through an old album this weekend... .it represented our best year, the year we were a strong couple, and on vacation... .I was surprised to feel at peace.  It may have felt a bit like more closure, I am not sure yet... .I'll have to see how the feeling evolves.

The best way I can describe it is like when my aunt passed away.  I love her and really loved sharing positive thoughts about her with others.  Feeling her positive spirit live on through my stories, helped me to feel her positive affect still present and I share these thoughts with others going through a similar time.  This brings me a sense of peace and love to share her this way with others.  It feels less like a loss, more like a transformation of energy.

I wonder if anyone eles has coped with the loss of their ex in such a way.

_{Part of me tells me I'm wierd, the other part says why am I judging myself... .but that inner talk is good for another thread.  This one I just wonder if others have had a similar positive experience going down memory lane?}

Im also still in contact with my ex as we have a son together. One thing I found when I stumbled across some pictures of her is that what I saw and what I had experienced didn't add up. The memory of the time and how she looked didn't fit. I saw a different person. A difference in the eyes and mannerisms.

Yes enlighten me,

What you say makes sense to me.  The man in the pictures is not the man I spoke with. Well, of course it is, but in the pictures, I am reminded of a dynamic in the r/s... .between the two of us... .we were quite fond of one another.

This is the period that I am grieving.  This is the r/s that I "fought" for when my grains of hope were not buried deep inside me.  These are the grains that got stirred to the surface. 

The man on the phone, and the man I have come to know... .does not cause me to grieve.

My heart is experiencing the loss of the "concept" of what we were, and who I was in that dynamic that was... .which is gone forever.

Apparently my logical mind did not send the memo to my heart, therefore my heart had to get torn up to resurface this piece.

I hope my positive memories will shift and transform into a peaceful state so they can remain in my heart without false hope, ... .but thoughts of a fondness and experience that was real for the time and for the way that it was real, however, also with the acceptance that it is over.

This is where my thoughts feel like they are heading.

Sunflower, like you I haven't discarded the photos from this last relationship. Just as I haven't gotten rid of photos from previous relationships. Those times and people were important to me, and while some of the memories are painful many more are wonderful. As to your question about looking through them to help with healing, I'd say that like 'enlighten me' wrote I do see some of my ex's facial expressions differently now (some of which is just how I'm seeing it since then, with better understanding of BPD and etc). I've also seen my own demeanor in the pictures, that much of it was a good time for me, I was in love and sharing the best of this life with her. Do I wish it could have had a happier ending? Yes. But it was what it was, and I'm thankful for the experience.

Thanks guys!

Yes, I do see our facial expressions differently.  I can clearly see how he is smiling AFTER I am smiling. His feelings and reactions are just that... .reactions.  Yes he is genuinely happy... .but it is more the way a parent is happy that they got a baby to giggle, therefore it feeds their own happiness.  I do see his happiness related to his feelings of self worth... .entangled in my emotions.

There is a pic where I am laughing because I didn't realize something silly... .then he laughs after... .it often goes this way.   I realize that it also goes this way for the not so good emotions too... .when I wanted support... .he reacted to the idea of me "wanting" as tho it was a blow to his ego for me to not be satisfied.

Anyway... .  Believe it or not.  I am able to look fondly on those pics.  I was a me that I am proud of.  I was happy, full of life, determined and more.  Since things started going down hill for us... .I lost that "me" that I saw in those pics from year one-two.

What the pics did for me was commemorate those times.

I was awesome!  Things were hard, I was sticking by him in some really difficult times that many would have left.  That is a strong, vibrant woman in those pics.

That woman is me.

That period in life is behind me, however, there is hope for me to find that "me" again.

I looked great, my soul gave off a glow and joy.

I don't want him anymore... .

I want ME!

And that is possible! :)