BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I've not posted in quite some time.  I'll not bore anyone except to say that I did recycle for the second time last summer (july 2014) and as predicted the wheels have yet again fallen off the BPD bus.  The scenario is scarily predictable, I felt it coming, almost the exact time from over two years ago.  What did change? I changed, and this time, the "offensive action" by me was so small and miniscul that it'ss almost laughable were I not hurting.  The pain is nowhere near as severe as it was before during my first year and being blindsided with BPD.  Not as bad as two years ago when I exploded and gave her a piece of my mind that I'd been holding on to for so very long... .a tad painful but I'll not miss a beat because I suppose I've known all along this would not work out.  I think I can close the door now.

The explosion was full of projection, the insults and nasty name calling sort of blew me away, but then not really, make any sense?  She had been drinking (that is a constant never changing issue) and I stood several feet from her as she hurled insult after insult.  The most damning insult was that I'd made a pass (XBPDg/f sitting on same chair as me at the time) at a friend of hers who was visiting.  I was stunned on this insult, it was new to me.  Not however new to me? I'm a piece of S&*^, uncaring, hypocrite, yada yada yada.  I did not cry, I calmly stated that I was leaving and knew that she would calm down in a month or a year, told her I loved her, but when she hurled the last insult, I'll not repeat, I slammed the door so hard a photo fell off the wall.  Not really me, and I'm terribly ashamed of myself.

There were several differences in how she related on this recycle, I told her often how much I appreciated her wanting to talk face to face, versus a text or email.  I constantly told her complimentary things which I feel sincere about, they were not insincere at all, I love this woman, I still love this woman, but I love myself too.  I let her know on the recycle there were a few things I would not tolerate and things had been pretty usual, until the last few weeks.  She hates her job, (she always hates her job).  It sounded like she tried to run everything, she always had a problem with 'someone'... .

Things that did not change? I was kept completely separate from her life as before.  I did meet and fellowship with a sister during a surgery and one friend (the one I made a pass at, yeah right).  She came to my church, inserted herself with about 15 of my friends and then stopped coming. 

She made obvious distances when I needed support, still hurtful but not a surprise to me.

I know with the holidays, my birthday coming I'll miss her a lot, but I know she is disregulated big time. I'm black as tar... .:'(

Yes, you'll think "your relationship is different",  every one is different, but pretty much, they all end the same unless you are a therapist.

CIF

I am so sorry,  I can only imagine the pain that must be because of how painful my b/u.  I could not imagine doing that again.  Recycle.  I here that term tossed around often on the site.  What was the time between your recycle, and are you still communicating?  You sound positive and upbeat surprisingly.  I wish you the best of luck.  Its hard when you love someone with a mental disorder.

CIF:   

I wrote you. Meanwhile, wanted to say here that you really could not have been a more caring and respectful partner for/with her. You've had much much more tolerance and patience than I did in the end. I hope you know this is just the product of her extremely limited skill set when it comes to true caring and mutual obligation. She's not good at it. She cares for you and wants you in her life and then has all kinds of hard to tolerate reactions to those feelings, and sometimes those cross a line we should not just shrug off.