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Been feeling OK these past few days. Exercising and going for a nice early a.m. walk. I'm getting back to what I used to do and what I was...

I think about the ex but not too bad. Not often neither. At a crossroads awaiting a phone call for a new job (they just have to process a background check)... .

Then come spring I'm looking to move. That will be long time coming. So I have a couple of things to look forward to... .

THEN the phone rings... .It's the exuBPDgf calling... .I cannot believe it. WT... .?

I let it go to voicemail. This is over an hour ago.

So NOW my emotions kick in and their jumping up and down like 2 kids screaming cause the Ice cream Trucks outside AND THEY WANT SOME ICREAM !

My emotions don't know any better, my mind is trying to tell them Its Not Good For Me.

But they don't "understand"... .Emotions never do... .emotions don't Think... they Feel and Want.

Well... .my peace that I've gained these past few days seem threatened... .I'm all of a sudden nervous and thinking of the ex... .

Rehashing stuff, ruminating...

I've become the Manchurian Candidate... .As soon as I hear her phone ring!

Amazing. Lol

So... .I'm holding steady, finding this addiction fascinating and yet, dangerous.

So I'm here... posting.

I am NOT planning on listening to the voicemail.

I Know its designed to get inside my head... .to make me doubt... .and ultimately, place a call and reach out.

But not tonight. Perhaps I'll feel stronger tomorrow and find the strength to continue moving forward.

Need help.

I'm trying my best not to "listen" to her voicemail... .Cause I know the minute I do... .it will THROW me right back in the wheels of this machine and I'll be seeking to establish some contact with her.

I miss her, yet... .I don't like being 'conditioned' to receive her crumbs of affection... .while she's off God knows doing what and with whom.

I cannot have a relationship with someone who only contacts me once or twice a week by phone... .and each time less and less.

It's like I'm being trained to be at HER disposal... .forget about me needing 'her'.

Ya know, something cathartic about writing your feelings out. Suddenly my mind and heart came back to me a bit... .and I can SEE a little better.

Still feel like I'm fighting an addiction.

It's a high... but its not such a high anymore... .never what it once was... but always carries the "hope" that THAT High that I once had, I can have again.

But I never got it back.in fact, over time, it just got worse and worse.

You already have the strength, and are already moving forward.

By continuing to do so, you will indeed be even stronger tomorrow.

If it's an addiction to you, go cold turkey. Shake this however you can.

Thanks Myself... .

At moments, I can feel the urge rise up in me like high blood pressure.

Gonna just try to forget about it and watch some TV.

Tomorrow morning will be good.

I think "dwelling" on this makes it bigger than what it really is.

The expression ''Sit on your hands'' comes to mind.

Best to not make the move if it's something you'll regret.

In time, you may still think of her, love her, whatever.

But you'll have changed your own patterns and won't be 'hooked'.

I definitely know what you're going through with 'the crumbs... .'

The way I got out of that game was to not play it any more.

Got the courage to delete voicemail...

Was debating... the more I thought about it, the more crazy I felt I was becoming...

Woke up this morning and wha-lah

Delete.

Felt better.

Like I gained back some control.

Now to maintain course... however slow... nice and steady...

One day at a time.

P.S. glad I could recall the bad stuff, cause that's what's kept me sticking to my 'guns' so to speak.

This has NOT been easy. Wow, with just one phone call... just KNOWING she was trying to contact me, sent me in a tailspin.

Hey there,

Just wanted you to know I feel for you.

Just a few days ago, my ex and I txt'd, it brought forth a flood of emotions... .that were dormant.  Funny to almost literally feel the heart and mind battle it all out right?

I'm glad you are finding yourself working through it nicely.

Good for you JohnnyShoes! *)

You say you will not listen to the email.  If that's true, delete it.

Sun,

How did you handle it?

Cause there's that percentage of me that WANTS to "make the effort"...

Then the remaining % tells me

" Are You Nuts?"

":)o you Enjoy Pain?"

"She cannot be trusted"

It's like this for me... .

I imagine someone gave me a Ferrari...

It's sitting in my driveway... .shiny...

But there's no engine.

No matter how that Ferrari makes me feel... .No matter how much I sit in it... and smell the leather... .Play with the steering wheel... .

Have friends come over and Look At Me Inside My Ferrari... .

It's not going to take me anywhere...

Cause it doesn't have an Engine.

So... what's the point ?

Why would I bother?

Why would I want (as beautiful as it is) a Ferrari with No Engine?

It was voicemail.

And I Didn't listen to it.

It was deleted !

I honestly didn't handle it.   :'(

I called him to ask one question.

He told me it was none of my business and he never wanted to hear it from me again. (He was right... .it was none of my business)

So basically, we exchanged very little words, but there was a ton of unresolved tension... .between us both in that moment.  I could feel his anxiety and resentment through the line, my anxiety and hurt was evident.  I am sure he is hurt as well.

Odd as it sounds, getting rejected again was something I think I needed.

It helped me to feel the dynamic he lives... .

One of either rewarding a person or punishing them.  No grey.  He judges a person worthy, or not worth his time and effort.  He punished me.  I thanked him... .is all... .told him I needed to hear it.  I did.

Throughout the break up, he left ambiguously.  He always said he always wanted to at least remain friends.  I was always the one who said no way... .you don't want to act like my partner, then do not expect friends, as friends don't do this to one another.  But he still persisted to say he wanted a friendship.  That is until the final fight/devaluation of painting me horrendously black.

So it was that little grain of hope to have an exchange on friendly terms.  I know we could never be together as a couple... .too many logistical complications.  He is not even attractive to me as a partner anymore.  I just wanted to be on neutral friendly terms.

I am glad he was clear.  I am glad he extinguished this grain of hope.  It is a push toward my closure.

JohnnyShoes... .  It sounds like your dynamic is way different huh? I didn't read if you thought this could be a recycle attempt on her part?  (Faced with this possibility... .I won't pretend to imagine what I would do to cope and keep myself safe)


Wow!  Your Ferrari analogy is on point. That will be helpful for me to remember.  Thanks, perfect.  Yes, my ex is not r/s material... .he just isn't.  It would take maybe five years of intensive work, which because he is so high functioning... .I am sure he will just continue on in life painting the situation to suit his ego.  Kinda sad.

So in answer to your question, how did I cope... .

There is a post or two somewhere here from the other day from me.  Probably not a way for most people to cope. Probably the opposite of what you need atm.

That was my relationship exactly. Towards the end he was too busy even to meet me for half an hour, because of his studies, but he had time to go on a weekend road trip with his flatmates (including the one who would later replace me). There was never any discussion of what went wrong before the recycle - when I tried to talk about it he would either get confused ("I don't remember saying that" or become very hostile. All my requests to spend more time with him were treated as unreasonable, even after I hadn't seen him in nearly two months when we were living barely five miles apart. I couldn't see any excuse for that, but he acted as though I wanted the moon bringing to me on a plate when I asked if I could visit. I started to feel disgusted with myself for putting up with this, but even in my self-disgust I remained like a thirsty ill pet with its parched tongue hanging out, staring beseechingly at an owner that wasn't looking its way, hoping for some water. I learned not to express my hurt so that I would get at least some kindness and affection, some of the time. Now I am having to re-learn how to express it, and that it's safe to do so.

Hey Johnny, You passed the Manchurian Candidate Test by deleting the message.   :check:

Give yourself some credit!  LuckyJim

I agree, good work Johnny! I hope I'll have the same courage when I'm in that situation.

It's True. The only way to get OUT from being the one "waiting for a Crumb"... .Like someone said above, is to NOT PLAY.

Say So long!

Because you will NEVER win your viewpoint.

You will NOT get them to see the unbalance if it, or forget about them taking responsibility...

Then if you stay after THAT, you get less water in your bowl and no bone.

Leave 'em.

Let them dish that sht to someone else.

AND... .RENEMBER IT... .

Cause they might come back knocking on tour door, wanting to KEEP you Back into the Fold.

Back into that PLACE they had you nicely fit into.

It's all a Script. If YOU don't follow it, they will find the next person to play that same part!

To read from those lines... .and they will seduce the next person, manipulate them... .to make them right for the " part"...

It's all a fantasy... its not real... .(well, the only thing that's not real is the bp)

It's all a game of PLAYING HOUSE!

The only way to get out... .is... .Not To Play

It may take a while for it to Dawn on us... .that something about this relationship is wrong, its not real... .their actions don't match their words... .

Cause it aibt real.

Heck, the BP may at times even believe their own lies.

But there comes a time (the sooner the better) that you MUST pull the plug.

Sometimes you need to go around the block with these people more than once, (Recycled) just to believe and see what you thought you seen before, but couldn't believe.

And YEP. You get to the point when YOU... .when YOU had ...

Enough.

I think our stories are more similar than I realized.

When I say “punish,” the punishment was almost always passive aggressive. He withdrew love, silent treatments started out as “breaks” from the tension, then grew over the years to weeks. It was not a coincidence that when he was mad at me that he chose to watch movies that he knew would send me out of the living room, he’d not include my S15 in “family” plans, dinner would be stuff I didn’t care for or couldn’t eat, dishes were done roughly with banging, he’d “forget” to tell me he’d be late for dinner and was instead meeting friends for drinks, then forget to tell me he was even not coming home.  He found random stuff to complain about that he blamed me or my son for….stuff that was not prior an issue, like putting away laundry the same day after washing.

Yes, if he was confronted on anything…

Either it wasn’t true, I was imagining it, or lying

Or I was exaggerating

Or he was justified and seething and would pop about “ALL” the times I did some injustice to him.

I think he did not know how to confront/resolve conflict at all, so bringing tension around him was almost his only way to begin what could have been a simple discussion.


Lol!  I have a similar image I remember. I imagine a mirror. He adores his child…D16, well it has been her role to hold the mirror of his narcissistic supply for him. As she gains independence, well, that mirror is a burden to a teen.  He passed the mirror on to me to hold. It got heavy.  When it crashed, as her and I exchanged turns holding it…doing our best…he raged at me and had no more use for me.

If only he accepted himself the way I love him…instead of loving the image of himself that he wants.

He is not a bad man. He is though lacking in areas that make him an available adult partner.

I admire you for keeping your sense of humor during this! Great job!

The Manchurian Candidate is a great analogy for what is like to be in/out of a r/s with a pwBPD. The original is one of my favorite movies of all time.

The fact that you are aware of what is going on is a huge positive and show you are out of the fog.

IMO because of the intensity and addictive qualities of these r/s certain actions, sights, smells and events can trigger all kinds of upsetting feelings and cravings for more. For me I find certain tv shows or movies can throw me for a loop, making me susceptible if she were to call at that time.  The showtime drama The Affair comes to mind.  Watching the last episode made me cringe but I don't want to deny myself life's little pleasures like quality entertainment.

You are doing good under this barrage!

I am thoroughly disgusted with my exgf and still don't trust myself to be able to handle the inevitable surprise call or message.

Thoughts and prayers out to you!

That abuse is called The Slow Boiled Frog.

If you place a frog in boiling water he's gonna jump out immediately... .

But... .if its cool water... .he stays... and if you SLOWLY over time... .increase the heat... .he can't tell... he stays... .until its too late... he's cooked.

Same with that abuse.

Starts out slow... little bits... .here and there...

It chips away at us. Piece by piece.

We allow that, overlook this...

Until... .we are frozen in this sht.

Unrecognizable to ourselves.

Self esteem is gone.

And we have become Trauma Bonded to the abuser.

(Stockholm syndrome)

Stick to NC , delete, delete, delete. protect your heart. I know easier said than done. But i've gone through this time and time again, and each time, it hurts more than the last. Its not fair to you.

Thanks Nowwhatz...

I'm just trying to guard myself from Stinking Thinking...

The thinking that leads me back to:

Oh... maybe I was not patient enough.

Oh... maybe if I try to Talk to her.

Oh... maybe she was having a real bad week (month)

Oh... maybe she really DOES share the same feelings.

Oh... .etc etc.

Been around that block before... .and got a "T-shirt" to remember the occasion.

Wishful thinking with someone like MINE...

Is Stinkin'Thinkin'

When the Trust is damage... .there's NOTHING !

I love the illustrations! They really help! Thanks!

Yes, I agree, I too was in a trauma bonded r/s.  I believe this is why the break up is so hard for us.  It invites reliving of trauma... .and emotional flashbacks.

You are doing good there JohnnyShoes!

PROTECT YOUR HEART !

yep, that is so right.

That's what they're after.

They bait you with your dreams and desires... .they hold this Dream Of A Relationship in their Hand... .they hold it hostage... .and if you WANT TO SEE YOUR DREAM ... .then you are Trained to not rock the boat.

Once we realize this DREAM they're holding is Make Believe...

We can walk away and no longer play this emotional and mental game.

A game in which we could never win.

Who wants to play a Game they can't win?

Think about it. Have you ever played a board game that is designed so that YOU NEVER WIN?

Of course not.

Same thing with being in a relationship with a pwBPD... .

You cannot win, but you LOSE.

Each and Every Time!

I like how you think... .nothing Stinkin' about it! :)

If you have the T-Shirt I have the Gold Medal... .had it tested and it is a knock off haha.

Well said.  Happened to me in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  Be grateful that you got out when you did!

LuckyJim

Very insightful.