BPDFamily.com

Its been a while since Ive been on here, mainly bc we got back together. I left my bf for him, moved into another home to separate and prove to my NPB/BPD that I meant it, I wanted a life with him.

Well when it got real and I was stressed about the split from the bf, and letting my family know, the financial outcome... .Worrying about my daughter... Everything that comes with splitting up with a 10 yr common law partner. All to be with him. I was stressed, I called him crying over it. He said he "doesn't know what to do... .what can he do?" I told him to please understand this transition period for me (since he wanted to RUSH RUSH RUSH us into a commitment and engagement) also told him to please not make this about himself. That night we got together, I was low. Very low and scared and stressed.  He offered not 1 ounce of support, not one word about the conversation that morning where I was crying. so i left it alone. I didnt want his moral support if I had to ASK for it. 1.5 days later... .Back to Monday, back to work schedule. Texting as usual on his break... He asks "do you love me" I said I do. He said he "doesn't feel it" I told him im struggling. (I JUST EXPLAINED TO HIM WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH IN THAT EARLY MORNING CALL, CRIED ABOUT IT TO HIM) to that he threatened "im going to stop caring if i don't feel you soon" and that "HE DESERVES TO FEEL LOVED" (he yelled) I felt shocked, still to this day he managed to shock me yet again. I'm crying as I type this bc I have such pain over being so stupid for him. How could this have shocked me? There is something wrong with me. Everything I was going through was for us! I sacrificed myself , my family for our future! A future he "wanted so badly" !  Then he continued... ."i get your going through a breakup right now, but i dont deserve to have anything negative come my way as a result of that" and "this relationship sucks"  I mean I started to look at myself like what did I do? I wasn't b___y, I wasn't cold, I answered any or all texts or calls immediately, I communicated with him what I was going through just 2 days earlier... .I just wasn't telling him I love him, or calling him baby ALL day. But im sorry, I needed him and he gave me no support at all! I was confused, what happened? That was it. I didn't hear from him again... Its been 3 weeks. I finally left the man he wanted me to leave for him, told my parents, my daughter... .And he ditched me when I needed him most. This has been our pattern for 3 years but I finally called his bluff and left the bf he wanted me to.  He used that I was in another relationship over me for 3 years. (both men knew about the other btw) and I finally took that power away and called his bluff. It didn't change him. For 3 years he used how "hurt" he was that I still didn't officially leave or kick the bf out... .He manipulated me using this... .An excuse to lie and cheat on me the whole time. Now I left (back in June) and where is my "soul mate" as he so says... .Im devastated but more at myself this time. I feel very low, I feel im suffering from ptsd, I have anxiety and anger and hatred in me, I have scary thoughts to just disappear, I believed him. whats wrong with me? Please shed some light to me bc i feel like a loser. a stupid empty shell

Hi MyEyesrOpen

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and clearly really struggling right now.

Unfortunately I'm not sure I really have any words of comfort to offer you except to say that you're not on your own, and you NOT stupid, or a loser.

I left my long term partner for my uBPDex, but refused to bad mouth her because she hadn't done anything wrong, other than not be the right person for me. It was also hard for me to leave her, as  I loved her, but more as a sister/friend, and I didn't want to hurt her, and then I met my uBPDex, who I loved passionately and in a way that I believed at the time was right and forever... .

My uBPDex has spent two years using the fact that I hoped to be able to remain on friendly terms with my former partner (who is also my D's guardian) as proof that I don't care about her, want to still be with previous partner, love her still, exclude uBPDex from the real family unit, blah blah blah. I have treated the former partner absolutely terribly in the past two years because I have bent over backwards to try and placate uBPDex, and have reassured  uBPDex on a several times a day basis that it's her I love, but of course nothing has ever been enough.

I hadn't been in touch with former partner for months (to the detriment of D, but hey, uBPDex's needs came first) but in the past few weeks, uBPDex has been saying to me that former partner had sent her all the correspondence between us over the past two years ( all of which "obviously" proves my love for her, arrangements for D's visits, that kind of thing, but occasionally finished with a "love Mel x" (Civility anyone?)... .and so this weekend I contacted former partner to ask why she was sending all our  past correspondence to uBPDex. And of course, she hasn't sent a thing.

So I challenged uBPDex about the fact that she has clearly been hacking my email/texts/messenger for the past few weeks... .and her reply? "Thank you for proving to me once and for all that you wouldn't  be able to keep away from her -we're finally done."

And the incredible thing? I went, within the space of a few hours, from thinking I wanted to call the police about her hacking my stuff, to thinking that it was fine that she'd done it, she can't help it... .ARGH!

I guess my reason for telling you this is just to let you know that you're not alone, and to let you know that there are people out here who understand and who are rooting for you. Be strong. Be much stronger than me!

Thank you for your thoughtful response Mel1968

Do you ever feel like if your exBPD hadn't "tricked or lured you into love" that maybe you would have loved your ex long term partner again? My ex bf wants me back and wants things to work... I have love for him but i need to somehow purge my love for my exBPD. I don't know what to do or where to start, i don't want to waste anyone's time and i now don't feel like i deserve my ex bf back. I'm also noticing triggers with my ex bf that the exBPD has done to me and i cry on the spot. Is this what they call ptsd on some level? Im going to my therapist tomorrow to discuss but was just wondering if you had gone through this as well?

Again thank you for writing to me...

You sound like you're in a terrible place MErO, I hope that the therapists visit will be helpful in starting the journey ahead of you, wherever that ends up being... .

I have to say that I don't feel the same as you about my long term partner. In fact the one thing that I'm glad about is that my meeting uBPDex prompted me to leave that relationship, which is something I should have done a few years previously in all honesty.

I've struggled at times about the fact that I now don't have either of them. The really rotten thing for me is that I could have still been friends with long term partner, but I blew that by treating her so badly to placate uBPDex. So I don't have either of them and am utterly terrified at the prospect of being on my own, can't imagine meeting anyone else. But I'm still glad I ended it with long term partner, just desperately sad about uBPDex.

I went back to my long term partner early on after meeting uBPDex because she was already treating me terribly and long term partner was safe and lovely and I thought i could make it work. I really regret doing that, and she has told me that this was a terrible thing to have done, she wishes I hadnt, becasue she believed I loved her and wanted to make it work when really I wanted to escape uBPDex (but also didn't really want to escape)

You're going through a horrible time, MErO, and your thoughts and feelings are bound to be all over the place, its natural. i do hope your therapy session helps you, and keep on posting on here.

Wow such similar stories.  My uBPDex just left me cause I am friends with my ex.  That friend were my ex back in 2002 and we have JUST been friends since then. 

Values and boundaries.  1, an individual with a mental illness is not going to understand what your going through,  they perceive stress in us as a lack of love,  they can not emphasize with our emotions.  So they feel in the blank.  Stress ln a normal relationship is usually met with my partner needs me.  Bpds think

, oh they don't love me.  Also some BPDs are most happy when they can have relationships that allow for justification of multiple supply. 

2,  it sounds like you have empathy for your ex bf, and how you treated him.  Perhaps an apology, for apology alone with nothing else expected,  just an apology, nothing about you, or getting back togeather...

3,  you have healing to do.  Learn about yourself, why now your feeling this way,.  Everything obviously can't be undone.  Yet people have been hurt from your actions.  It's okay to be alone.  You experienced a relationship were someone loved you more and one were you loved another more then yourself.  A lot lean towards loving ourselves,  this is good, yet to people loving each other is the most important thing.  Please keep coming for supp

Hi mel1968

I know the feeling of too scared to be alone. I'm 38 and never been alone... Only had 2 serious relationships in my life and now 3 (with my exBPD) well I thought it was serious. Maybe if you addressed your ex long term partner with an apology you can regain her friendship back. Sometimes all it takes is time with normal ex realayionships. I was married young and divorced at 27 and just last year my ex husband and I became friends again and our relationship keeps getting better and better. Mind you, we both moved on and it did take years and years. But there is hope always, with "normal" past relationships. Sometimes even just trying on your end can aleviate some of the guilt and "what ifs"

To shed some background on my situation... I was my happiest ever with my long term partner until we had to go into a long distance relationship for 4 years. He in the US and I was in Canada. 4 hour flight. In that 4 years my exBPD and I became close and he knew I was vulnerable and unhappy. My long term actually felt terrible for leaving me alone so long that he actually said I could have this flirtation with him ( literally pushed me to him) and that's when I fell madly in love with the exBPD. They both knew of the other. My long term man allowed it bc I was honest with him over it all and he was away from me. He let me have it. The exBPD had a gf for 2 years before I even knew about her so obv he was ok with me not being completely single. Last year both his gf and I busted him ( he didn't tell either of us about the other) and we dumped him.  I took him back like an idiot. Now over a year later here I am.

My therapist gave me some good pointers yesterday. I told him that I have a message ready for the exBPD for when he try's to contact me. I've been working on it for 2 weeks... Adding... Deleting content... The whole bit. But now, I'm getting scared to even respond to him that I'm thinking of not giving any kind of response at all. With that, my therapist suggested maybe I should start writing those messages to myself. Kind of like pep talks or something I can read to remind me of how low I am today. I feel stupid doing that right now. I don't have the pep In me to push me up kind of thing. So he said maybe write to my daughter. ( I have a10 yr old) and write to her in the future of heart break and what I'm going through now to heal her through her future heartbreak or words of advice to avoid these kind of realationships. I cried immediately because THAT i can do. Put myself in her shoes and live through her. Find my strength there. Also to help with triggers like music or memories to let myself wonder off to my moments with him but GENTLY bring myself back to the "here and now" and think about I'm in this moment now,example, I'm going horseback riding tomorrow and my last memory of that is with my exBPD just 2 months ago. My therapist suggested FEELING the horse I'm on now, and taking in the fall scenery, and the nature sounds of today. If I think of 2 months ago gently bring myself back to really taking in my experience in the now and appreciate it. Going to try that tomorrow. It's hard though I'm having some anxiety over it but going to try my best. Thank you for replying

Hi itgirl

That definatly appears to be one of the many constants on here: they cannot handle other close or "same sex" relationships. My exBPD got jealous over my gym kickboxing teacher ( wasn't even private classes) he accused me of having a crush on a priest! ( I did a mission trip with my parish this past summer for a week and our priest was on that trip) that was insane! Couldn't believe what he was accusing me of! Also he didn't like that I started going to a therapist... Got jealous. It's really messed up. I actually took it as he cares so much to get jealous over me... What's wrong with me? That wasn't about really loving someone... That's about control. I know this now. Thank you for replying

Hi AsGood,

When I think about how he may have taken my stress as "I don't love him" part of me makes me want to run to him and protect him and tell him how not true that is... How I love him more than I've loved anyone and still do! BUT, that's a death sentence for me isn't it? It hurts so much. I have to give up... I've tried proving my love to him over and over I'm now empty. I don't have any other means to prove myself to him.

Then I remember, he doesn't care really. It's control, not love. Then the anger sets in. I was used.

Yes, I have apologized to my ex long term. We are living together again, separate rooms and working on our friendship first and foremost then we shall see. I've been honest with him 100% that's the only way to see what's left. If you read my message to Mel1968 I explained what happened to our relationship... I still don't know how my ex long term partner let me go off with the exBPD. I think he felt by giving me freedom I wouldn't cheat or he wouldn't lose me and it worked for a while. Until I was alone in this long distance thing with him for way too long and left vulnerable. I told him 2 yrs into our 4 yrs at long distance "I'm alone, I'm vulnerable and lonely and these are my prime yrs and you need to come back" he didn't. Now here I am.

Thank you for replying