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What are the key points to not alienating the kids?

Mine pitched up during my visitation weekend on saturday at 8:00 am, with the police, managed to traumatise them by banging on the windows and doors, so that they wanted to go home.

Police decided as they wanted to go home, they should. I haven't seen or heard from them since. We were mandated to attend the family advocate on monday which we did. It was postponed as usual.

In the meantime the children are traumatised by their mother and negatively influenced.

This happens time after time now

And my advice on how to prevent this type of thing?



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Hmm, did you document her banging on the windows and doors?  (I would have recorded her intrusion into your home's environment and surroundings, that is definitely extreme behavior.)  What did the police say about her coming to your home/residence uninvited and causing a scene?  (I'm assuming she does not have possession or legal access to your residence?)  Have you set a boundary - recognized in the order - that she is not to enter your property or approach your residence or building?  Perhaps even amend the court order to state that exchanges (including deliveries of 'forgotten' items or other excuses) must be at a neutral location such as a nearby police station or restaurant.  Each parent's home should be a 'safe' place free from disturbance for that parent and children.


I recall when my ex and I had disagreements on exchanges or whatever that my police never forced us to do anything if the children's safety wasn't at risk.  For example, a few times she refused to go to the ordered exchange location and later showed up at my home with police in tow.  I agreed once or twice but finally I set my foot down and said "No, she didn't come pick up child where ordered and so after the exchange window ended or when the daycare closed I took him home.  Sorry, I'll keep him."  Officers looked at us both and said we should work it out for the sake of the kids and then concluded as he/she left, "Fix this in court."

So my question is, Did the officers say you were required to let the kids go during your parenting time?  Or were the officers just trying to defuse the immediate incident?  (That's my guess but check with your lawyer.  Your Ex was manipulating the children and that's not right nor fair.  Of course, court won't care what's fair or not.  So find out if you would have gotten in trouble legally if you would have declined to send them away with mother.  I suspect not, but check locally to be sure.)  If you don't know, then find out.  If it was your court ordered time then it was your parenting time, kids don't get to choose.  I learned that lesson in court, children don't get to choose what are essentially adult matters and adult decisions.

This has happened once.  Since it worked for her, she'll probably do it again.  So prepare yourself for the next time.  Boundaries.  Set your boundary - concept: your home is your home and my home is my home and you don't approach my home - and try to get that amended into the order.


Also, ponder ways to reduce confrontations.  You could take the kids for a weekend to see their grandparents or other friends or relatives, like a weekend vacation with them.  If you're not home and the kids are safely with you, how is she able to create a scene?  This won't work for every weekend, but at least sometimes.  (Be careful the order doesn't prohibit you from traveling on your parenting time.)

I wrote an affidavit immediately at the police station to document it.

In hindsight this was fairly predictable. On the Friday, she phoned me 5x. I didn't answer so she sent me an sms saying she wanted to hear my voice and she wanted to be friends. I said "No thanks, I am a co-parent and that's it. Email me" Then she asked me for permission to date people, also about 5x. She said that she knew I was dating, and that I deserved happiness. I used the opportunity to say "Good bye", quite firmly. Then she said "sorry" for hurting me. I said "I'm not hurting", repeat 3x. Then I had enough and stopped responding to her sms's about giving her permission to date . She spent the night alone without the kids, and she must have felt lonely. In hindsight this must have triggered her abandonment fears, and I don't think she fancied another night alone.

This was actually at my parents home, and was obviously very distressing for them to witness. I live 600km away and drive through every second weekend. The police actually didn't care. They said the children want to go home, so that's what happens, you guys go to court on Monday to work it out. We do the policing and we listen to what the children want, judges do the judging. When I went to the police station, they were more understanding especially when they saw that I was calm and she was crazy. The one said, my friend as a man you are at a serious disadvantage. So I went to the family advocate on Monday instead of driving home. They said there was a 2 month waiting list  Bizarrely it was her lawyer who pointed out to them that I had filed with the family advocate in April about my concerns about her parenting my kids, so they have organised to hear us coming Monday.

I drive down after work on a Friday, she drops them at 5pm with my folks when I haven't arrived yet. (I arrive at 10 pm), and I leave at 2pm on Sunday when she comes again to pick them up at 5pm. Usually no fuss.

I don't mind her coming when I am not there. If I took out a protection order it would prevent her accessing when I am there. I don't really want to escalate things right now however. I think the court order for her to drop the kids and not to return until Sunday 5pm is the best option.

 

 

Since this is not the United States.  I would ask your lawyer how to define trespassing in your jurisdiction.

2 ways for this to go.  Either she does the drop off at your parents and then behaves herself by staying away or you guys have to pick a neutral location for your parents to do the exchange... .and she is not allowed on your parents property... .EVER.

In the United States (at least in my state) once you notify a person that they are not welcome (for instance a certified return receipt letter) then they are not even allowed to come knock on your door to see if you are home.  Over here the onus in on the property owner to notify the person they are not wanted.

Just my .02cents.  Police enforce... .shouldn't interpret.  Can you have discussion with chief of police so that they are aware for future that court orders will be followed, police will enforce.  They shouldn't be deciding where kids go

Keep up the good fight... .

FF