BPDFamily.com

I feel very angry right now. We just got out of separate sesssion with our MC today.  I went first then left and then wife went in.  10 minutes after the appointment my dBPDw just called me stating that she didn't realize that our appointment was going to be separate and she had something to discuss.

She said well I need to tell you something as it is bugging me. " I have an appointment on Friday you probably don't know about" -

ME: "Yes I do because I just scheduled a client around it earlier this week. He asked to come to the office at 11am on Friday. I saw that you had a colonoscopy in the morning and then had an apppointment with our ministerat 11am. So I scheduled my meeting at 1:30pm on Friday. I thought if you had an appointment on Friday at 11am then you don't expect the procedure to last very long and be in and out"

WIFE: You should know that I can't drive.

ME: yes that is why I scheduled my appointment in the afternoon.

WIFE: No I need someone to drive me around all day. You should know that. It is your fault I have to meet with the minister as you said it needs to be done very quickly (I think she is referring to the appointment on Monday when our MC had mentioned she needs to seek Godly counsel on writing that letter to my Dad which she said she already sent).

ME: If you needed someone to drive then you should have communicated it.

WIFE: I already called my friend and she is going to take me. She is a real friend and will help me out when I am in need.

ME: I planned around the procedure and since you had an appointment with the minister I didn't think anything else was needed.

WIFE: You didn't schedule around my appointment (you are just making that up). Anyway don't worry about me because my dear friend is taking me.

I just get some mad. Some of the things I am feeling/thinking.

**I did not know she needed any help during the day.

**Why would you schedule appointments after that and then just expect people to help you.

**If you needed help why didnt you just ask.

**I wish you would believe me that I did make other arrangements with my client just because of you surgery. Yes I was thinking of you.

**Is this every going to end.

**Feel very angry and upset to the point of just wanting to cry.

Learning to work on boundaries.  Need some input on different ways I could have handled this.  I feel awful like I am just a lousy husband not thinking of his wife that day.  I thought I was thinking of her day but maybe there is some truth in her statement.    Need some perspective. 

Hi All4BVM,

I don't know enough so I won't have any suggestions for you on how you could have handled this.  I do want to say that there is probably nothing you could have said to get your point across to your wife.  It seems that they expect us to know what they are thinking and needing done.  It is frustrating!

I am sure you are not a lousy husband for not knowing what she was expecting from you.  and I am sure you were thinking of her today. 

Twitchy

Twitchy,  Thanks

Ok.  Thank you.

Now 3 hours later she says this... .I want to address 3 things that r bugging me at 8pm.  Make sure all treatments & feeding is done with our son (currently on a vent).  Remember he needs to take his medicines before feeding starts. 

That is all fine (as usually I don’t mind doing it)…. I am put off by the ‘assumption’ that I need to be doing all the treatments for our son.   Why is that assumed?  Why isn’t it asked…. Can you do the treatments?  Do you have time at 8pm?  There has been a nurse at the house all day so it is not like wife has been with him all day and just needs a break.     

I am not sure if I am just being oversensitive.   But those type of assumption of responsibilities (especially when they pile up on top of each other throughout the week) makes me feel bitter and resentful.  I don’t know how to respond to that without coming across rude or BPDw taking it the wrong way and having something else to argue about.    I feel trapped between my fear  (of her response) and just tell myself to not be so sensitive.  I feel like I need to cower to those things to keep the peace.