BPDFamily.com

Reading everyone's stories on here has been so comforting, especially since every 2 minutes I ponder whether I should respond to my ex's most recent email to me (telling me he "saw me somewhere and misses me so much". Thank you for being the place to go anytime I'm tempted to hit "send".

We dated for a year. He was always loving, caring, accepting - even when we had fights. He's also very good-looking likeable, social, artistic. Dynamite in bed.

Red flags: He was recently divorced before we met and is minimally involved/seemingly indifferent to his two children (though I have seen him the minimal time he spends with them and he's caring when they ARE around). He always seemed to have female friends who were in love with him. I didn't mind it at the time, I found it kind of exciting to have such an attractive partner.

He says he had a "nervous breakdown" after his divorce and quit work, moved to a new city, and lives with his mom (who primarily supports him - I met him shortly after his move). He drinks heavily, smokes pot all day every day (even though when I first met him he was "drug free" for a couple months), does molly occasionally, and toward the end of our relationship was doing coke and painkillers. I believe he also takes Xanax (prescribed to him) and also buys Klonopin from a drug dealer when available. (Full disclosure, I am a social pot-smoker and drinker, and maybe couple times a year I party with other drugs, too - something he would hurl in my face during our break up as proof that I'm the messed up one.)

His increased drug use and drinking over the last few months of our relationship corresponded to a couple other things: he withdrew socially from his friends (he said he only had time and love for me and his artwork), began fighting a lot with his mom and then dramatically making up with her (I was never fully clear on what these fights were about because he was evasive in discussing them), and he even dropped out of art school and quit his part-time job. (He said he had enough money from his 401K for his child support and to support himself - his parents bought him the house he lives in with his mother so he doesn't really have other expenses).

Any time I tried to confront him on these behaviors he would say things like "I'm me, I love my passion and impulsiveness, and it would be wrong for me to change myself for someone else." So I asked him for "distance" - not a breakUP but a break. I didn't know what would follow... .

Asking for a BREAK brought out what is DEFINITELY BPD like woah. I mean, he is TEXTBOOK. For example, we were hanging out once during this break, as friends, and we started kissing - when I said we should stop and I didn't want to have sex, he had a nervous breakdown and was yelling at me 'YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ___' and trying to drink a whole bottle of bourbon and drive himself home. Over the several weeks of us being on that "break" it was this odd cycle:

Him saying things like "I always do this, I destroy everything and hurt everyone"

"I'm awesome, I deserve so much better than you"

(sobbing crying talking about how much of a hard time he's going through, then cheering up an hour later and saying he's in a really good place, he can't wait to get into his artwork again)

"You're the love of my life and I can't live without you"

"My friends only use me for drugs and partying, no one truly appreciates me"

"[tattoo artist of his] is one of the most genuine, loving people I know"

"My mom is so ___ing annoying, she was trying to preach to me about Jesus last night"

"My poor mom has been through so much, and I just hurt her more, I'm a ___ing loser"

"My ex wife never loved or cared for me or valued my feelings"

"I'm the reason my marriage ended in divorce, or at least I'm 90% of the reason"

"i'm unraveling, please stay away"

"You made me feel so loved and you're so beautiful"

"Stay away from me - I'll only hurt you - this is my pattern"

"You've always been cold to me, all we ever were were resentment and lies"

"I'm at a party! Got these painkillers! Want some?"

"I made an OK Cupid Profile, but I'm an empty void for all women except you"

Literally those things within MINUTES of each other.

About two weeks ago after several days of enduring this cycle, I asked him never to contact me again, in the midst of one of those weird cycles of his where he went from praising me to devaluing me within just a few minutes. I have not contacted him at all during these two weeks, even though I have periodically been DYING to send him a calm email pointing out this dangerous cycle, saying that it's not bc I don't love him that we are NC but that neither of us can take that cycle anymore, etc.

Last week he did email me saying he "saw me" (I wonder if this was true?) and he misses me so much. I know (intellectually) that responding will probably just trigger him and that maybe this was an attempt for him to rope me back into a conversation. Just trying really hard to fight the urge. Oh, he also "liked" a couple of my instagram posts and started "following" me again on Instagram - then after a couple days he unfollowed me (when I didn't respond to his email).

Trying to stay strong here and be reminded that I am wise in keeping NC. What are some strategies people use when they are playing with this urge? (I literally have an awesome email drafted - I edit it and modify it and any mentally-healthy person would totally get it. But I know clicking send could just reopen a wound of mine that's just only beginning to heal). Also how do people deal with that awful feeling of knowing the person continues to be charming to friends, probably even to new ladies they meet and (likely) date or hook up with? And lastly, any guesses on whether he will contact me again? I feel literally weak when he does (because I still care about him so much and miss what we had).

Hearing what all others have been through makes my case sound minimal in comparison, because I really only endured a few weeks of this destructive cycle before I got the heck OUT. But still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt seriously to see the person you've loved and trusted taken over by BPD and substance abuse, to the point where they're not even recognizable to you anymore. It feels like I'm suffering a loss, death, breakup, abuse, recovery all at once.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and responds.

Hi MSNYC,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree that the pain from a person that suffers from mental illness seriously hurts regardless of how long we were in the relationship. Most often a pwBPD may have underlying clinical depression, anxieties and substance or alcohol abuse. Another facet of the disorder is splitting and how a person with BPD ( pwBPD ) see you as all good or all bad and don't see you with both qualities coexisting, we have both good and bad qualities.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)


I think that it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, I think about masks and how she displays a different side to the world, a pwBPD have no real sense of self and develop a false self that is a result of their core abandonment wound, the false self masks insecurities, feelings of low self worth and shame.

We're glad that you have decided to join us. It helps to talk.