BPDFamily.com

Recently I spoke to a counselor... She heard bits and pieces of my story and the said well you were involved with a "mentally unstable person" (which I already know) I went in without disclosing BPD because I was curious what the counselor would say about her.

The part I found odd is it seemed as though she wouldn't let me take blame... Surely there is something wrong with me?I explained how I thought perhaps in co dependant because I was seeking out partners ... She said no that's normal

Alot or her analysis were questions like name a situation where you thought (BPDex) seemed a little bit  off... And of course there is a ton.

She also spoke about how my BPDex obsession with me wasn't healthy... People like that are "in love with falling in love"

She also said the speed at which she dropped me and attention starved me caused me to do some of the things I did

her last note was of course go NC , take her off social media... Thus isn't the type of person you'd like to seek for a relationship.

This is the jyst of the convo , but as you all may notice she didn't really blame me for anything? What about what I did? Maybe I've been to hard on myself all along? I just feel as though if I put up with poor treatment or looked past red flags something must be wrong with me? I feel like I could of handled some situations alot better then I did.

curious about peoples experience with a T/Psychologist/Counselor ?

I've been going to one for about four years. Started when I was having affair with BPD ex . Once I got divorced and things were ok I stopped. Only to go back when I was in ST. My therapist always said I wasn't being treated good . But once I was dumped I went back and she thought she may be bipolar . When I found out about BPD I told my T about it and she agreed with me. But also said I have some attachment issues that go back to childhood. She did ask me why a took the abuse for so long.

Hi problemsolver,

Do you trust your counselor? Do you find that you have a good counselor? I have gone to many over the years and I found some were good and some were so so, what I learned about counselors is find one that syncs well with you.

My advice is shop around and if you find a good counselor that syncs with you, keep that counselor.

That said, are you trying to find something wrong with you? Everyone is different that has a relationship with a pwBPD and have different FOO, not all are co-dependent. Maybe you're not co-dependent?

Follow the link and check the symptoms for co-dependency, do you feel like you can you relate with these symptoms?

Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

I recently started to talk and had a couple of dates with PsyD. I explained to her what happened and her reply was "the big joke in our line of work is how does one treat a person with Bpd?" Then she went silent for a little bit and then it hit me. Sad but true. It's a therapist's nightmare. There is no logical reasoning with BPD. She went on to say that they are so manipulative and cunning that you will think they are making progress but actually they are not doing a damn thing to get better. I explained how it effected me and she seems interested in talking even after I said I cauterized the wound but needed to do some self work.

I went about 4 months before separating and continued for another 6 months.  She never really blamed me, but she was expert at letting me know how my behavior DID in fact allow things to continue.  She was tough on me in a good way... .making me think hard about all the excuses I was making and hanging onto hope despite no evidence that there really was hope to be had. 

We had a conversation once about why my girlfriend who was seeing a different counselor in the same office and getting the "aww, poor you" responses when my counselor was being hard on me by making me confront difficult things.  She explained that some people need a soft approach to understand their situation but I was the kind of person who needed it spelled out clearly so I could move forward fully.  She was right.  By the end of the 10 months, she congratulated me on the hard work I'd done, said I'd done a great job and when I thanked her, she refused it, telling me that it was me that did the hard work.

Finding a good therapist is hard.

I don't think there's any need to blame yourself for anything; my own T framed it as looking at what made me vulnerable to winding up in this kind of relationship... .but those might be things worth working on, just for your own well-being. And the fact that you're asking in the first place makes me think you don't particularly trust this T so... .I'd keep looking.

I went back to my T when the wheels started falling off in my rs with upwBPD. She helped me get past the self-blame and feelings of obligation for some of the promises I made during the rs and helped me understand that it's ok, I made a mistake. Then the focus turned to me and my foo issues. It was helpful in that I gained tools and knowledge that allowed me to help myself. I was able to gain some great insight into my life which led me onto a much more fulfilling path. I had trust in her and her methods though, and that's important.

Problemsolv.

It sounds like based on what the counselor knows she might be pretty good. You are not to blame. Regardless of whatever issues we might have to work on in my experience and after reading so much on this site the pwBPD generally will not seek out and/or follow through with getting treatment.

For the 15 or so months I was in counseling in the middle of the on/off r/s I had with the BPDgf the counselor reapeatedly told me I was in no way crazy and there was nothing wrong with me. I would beat myself up continuously asking how I could keep taking her back etc. I havent seen the counselor since Sept 2013. It has taken me 2 years for her counseling to sink in.

To give you an example of how bad my perspective was skewed by the r/s on my last day of counseling I predicted to the counselor that the then estranged gf would return and that "we deserved each other" ... .like a penance.   I was right about the first part... .she came back a few days later... .but nobody deserves to be in a dysfunctional, toxic r/s.  The pwBPD does not deserve their sad condition.

We all are responsible for our actions but there is no shame in trying to care for and loving somebody that is incapable of understanding. It is not a fair playing field. There are a lot of crappy counselors out there just like any other trade or profession. If you continue with this one maybe consider letting them know the ex was BPD and see how things go.

Take care and God bless you.