BPDFamily.com

Hello

I think my sister is borderline although she says she is diagnosed as bipolar. I guess both could be true. After refusing contact with us (sibs) for years her family moved back to this  area. I anticipate that she will boycott all Chrismas gatherings. I do not live in the the area and will be flying in. She recently got upset that I declined staying with her. What do I do about Christmas if she boycotts gatherings. I usually stay with one family and am in town for only a few days. I see everyone at the gatherings. If she boycotts the events am I playing into her game by spending time with her alone? Should I not care if it enables her to boycott and just go see her? I do not want to punish but do not want to offend other family members that she refused to see. What do you do about this?

You cannot change how a malignant BPD behaves. My BPD is never happy whatever you do, they like to keep the tension there, they are continually playing games. They don’t like celebrations that aren’t focused on them (including Christmas) so we know there will be game playing going. Christmas is a holiday, so why not take a holiday from the BPD game ? What would you like to do ? My BPD is normally OK at Christmas, but what about your sister ?

On another point, I've often read BPD and Bi-polar get mixed up in diagnosis. Especially when BPD has so much stigma attached to it. But that's really a matter for the experts. Wishing you a happy Christmas. 

This will be the first Christmas since my sister's diagnosis, so I have no idea what to do! Please keep us posted, I'm interested to hear what you decide!

I am so surprised that I almost cried this morning when I saw replies to my posting.  Thank you so my HappyChappy and Charlie3236. I feel so torn since my other 2 sisters really hate spending any time with the BPD sister and I understand that but I also know that she is very sad and lonely and in some ways does not understand why she gets  the reactions she gets. Anyway, I do not want to isolate her but it is always hard to make special plans for her. I was reading some of the material available on this site and I feel I fit into the "good girl" with my mother who was undiagnosed (I was a child in the 50/60s). I was her "friend".little therapist, etc. This is soo like my mother and now I understand why her relatives stayed away from us. As a child I bought the stories that everyone was mean to my mother for no reason and was very protective of her. Anyway. Just letting off some steam but thank you guys for being here. I will think about Christmas.

It is very common for a BPD mother to “triangulate” their kids and effectively decide what your roll will be. And from what you say, you quiet naturally assumed that “therapist” roll with your sister also. But in truth with a BPD who refuses to go to professional help, we aren’t a “therapist” we’re a crutch, because we can’t change how they behave. In honesty any bit of wood can be a crutch, meaning a BPD cares less about where they get their “narcisstic supply” and more about getting it now.

But in truth it isn’t your responsibility. You mentioned others in the family who could help out, 2 sisters. So you should do what’s right for you. Just because a BPD gives us a roll, doesn’t mean we are stuck with that for life. For what’s it’s worth I was very much the fixer in my family so I know it’s tough.  But I went NC, and my sibling reluctantly started to help out. But unless I was NC they would have 100% assume they could have ignored the problem and left it to me.  But your situation is different. However the commonality is you aren’t responsible for sisters and mothers. FOG may give us the impression we are, but no so. So consider what’s right for you first, and if that helps your family, bonus. I still get on well with the non BPD members of my family.