BPDFamily.com

when you know there's a chance its going to upset them?

Tonight, instead of playing football, I'm doing a quiz for charity.  I didn't tell uBPDGF straight away as I wasn't 100% sure it was going to happen so I thought there was no point.  Since then its never seemed like the right moment to mention it as she has been almost constantly wound up about something or other then yesterday one of her friends who's husband organised our team asked her if she was going too.  Woops!  I hadn't realised I could have invited her along too so it hasn't gone down well. 

When should I have told her?  Just come out with it even though I'm likely to get a bad reaction?

I know it doesn't always seem this way, but you aren't responsible for her reaction.  If she chooses to fly off the handle at something you've chosen to do, then that's her choice and her responsibility.  You can care; you can be supportive and validate the way that she's feeling.  But her being upset with you doesn't inherently mean you are doing anything wrong.

One of the common dynamics with individuals with BPD is that we often get pulled into justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining our actions or behaviors.  This comes from a good place--we want them to not feel the intensely negative feelings they may be feeling, and we often feel as though if they only understood where we are coming from, they wouldn't be so upset.  This is often unsuccessful, because you can't make them understand you.  If you girlfriend wants to understand what's happened, I would explain it once; be wary of getting pulled into a circular, nonsensical argument where you are continually seeking to justify or explain your choice to do the quiz instead of football.

Good luck Yaffle :)

Thanks Reishi.

A lot of the time its not so much her reaction that I can't put up with but the length of time it lasts so I also put off telling her things to shorten the suffering!  For instance, we were invited to a party at a mutual friends house a couple of years ago.  I'd actually stayed with the (female) friend for a while when I moved out briefly.  Completely platonic but for three weeks before the party I was getting grief about me staying there, about how it would be strange it would be to see the bed I'd slept in etc.

Looking back I think I am actually better at saying things earlier on now but sometimes I just can't be bothered with the reaction at that time.  Lesson learnt I suppose!

I deal with this quite frequently. I'm excited about a social engagement or some kind of fun activity outside of the house and I stall. I know that telling my uBPD husband too early or too close to the event will create anxiety in him. I've also learned that no matter what timeframe I tell him, he will still probably get anxious and upset. And if I wait until the last minute, he will blow up. I'm also learning that it's up to him how he respond. After reading this and the other responses, I just decided that when I get home, I will tell him about 2 kids' birthday parties we have been invited to this weekend and in a couple of weeks. When he starts to get upset about it, I'll validate his fears, and continue with the plans. I hope you can find that perfect time to tell her without worrying about her response. You can do it!

Thank you.  I've improved on that sort of thing in my general life.  I used to put things off and worry about them but now I generally just do those things to get it out of the way and I have started saying things to her that I know will upset her but I need to do anyway.  Just need to take it a step further with telling her about arrangements I make I suppose