BPDFamily.com

I’m feeling crazy... .

After everything I’ve talked to my own therapist about and my own training and education (currently getting my MA in clinical psych) I was sure she had BPD, and so was my therapist.  She brought it up herself, saying she thought she might have it.  She saw her counselor today and be said he didn’t think she did.  He said he hadn’t even considered it as a diagnosis.

What if I was wrong? What if I gave my therapist biased information? What if I’m the only problem here? And I’ve ruined this relationship but projecting all my problems onto her? If its all my fault, then have I ruined a good thing? Will I always ruin relationships? I feel so guilty and confused.

I know we’ve both had a role in the way this relationship has degraded over time but now I’m becoming concerned about the extent to which I’ve been the one sabotaging or undermining us... .

pwBPD are masters of manipulation. Therapists are not immune to manipulation.

A diagnosis doesn't mean anything according to her behavior. It doesn't matter if she is diagnosed or not, she acts in a way that makes you unhappy.

Don't worry to much Reshi.  I've heard to same before from my wife's therapists.  It goes something like she "might have a couple of borderline or borderline-like traits, but I've never even considered it as a diagnosis ".  Of course when she started BPD-ing the T the T had a change of heart.  Just let it ride.  If you ever get brought into it just describe the behaviors and express genuine concern for her.  It might often feel like you're the crazy one and doubt your instincts, but they are probably right.

Oh Reshi   It sounds like she's pushed you around so much, you don't know which way is up anymore.

Reverse everything you said and that's probably closer to the truth. She gave the therapist biased information, she's ruined the relationship by projecting onto you, she'll always ruin relationships, and she's been sabotaging or undermining your relationship.

Like teapay said, the T might be duped until the pwBPD starts "BPD-ing the T." Which may never happen. My ex was very charming and it was easy to fall for her stories about how everyone had victimized her. Until she turns it around and starts falsely accusing you of victimizing her, then you realize she probably invented or exaggerated all the stories about other "perpetrators" too. The therapist may never see that side of her, if the pwBPD doesn't feel threatened enough by the T to ever paint the T black (which is likely if the T just mirrors and validates them and doesn't ever challenge or inject truth).

She could also be distorting what the therapist told her. My ex is great at that. At one point she had me considering an ethical/malpractice report because of all the ridiculous things the therapist was supposedly saying to her.

Later I spoke personally with her therapist and realized none of what my ex said was true. The T told me she disagrees with the name of BPD (due to the pejorative connotation "borderline" has developed) but agrees that my ex has the disorder. My ex is still convinced she doesn't, and the therapist isn't pushing her on it because T is just trying to keep her in the room.

How do you know her T said that?  My pwPD has said that also yet when asked if I may speak with her T... .I am met with the utmost anger and rage.  I am told by my PD that no one she knows would think that she does.  I tell her... ." have them spend a week in our house and then let them decide for themselves."

This is true.  This is what I've been telling myself today.  Trying to keep my focus on this but the guilt is really powerful today.



Well this almost made me cry!  Thank you for the support.  Seriously.  When I get this validation of my experience it feels like my head comes up from underwater and I can finally breathe again.


I feel so immensely confused all the time these days... .It's become me no longer trusting myself and second guessing my gut reactions.  But I get scared because she is so high functioning--very intelligent, very successful.  So a lot of the things you see with lower-functioning BPDs simply aren't there.  She doesn't call me names because she knows I won't tolerate it.  She doesn't physically abuse me or threaten me or anything overt like that.  She is intensely paranoid and very scared that I will abandon her (she is convinced that I am cheating on her, she is sure that my therapist is going to induct me into "some kind of sex cult," to use her words).  The emotional instability is there; her anxiety or sadness or anything always seems to become anger.  But she doesn't really do some of the blatantly awful things that I have read from others dealing with a BPD SO.  She did read my journal once, and that was a huge betrayal of my trust, but even that somehow didn't feel that bad?  I don't know.

I am going to trust my gut on this.  It makes me sad that her therapist doesn't see the BPD but as long as she is still getting the help that she needs and I continue to take care of myself in this relationship, then maybe it's ok.

Thanks for the support everyone.  Seriously, it helps tremendously.

I had my uBPDw assessed without her knowledge (we went to "marriage therepy" with the BPD psych). The official diagnosis was "probably not BPD".

But i realised it doesn't matter. My wife displays all the behaviours. So whether they are motivated by BPD, or just her being a highly emotionally driven women, the outcome is the same - I need to develop tools and techniques to respond. What I have tried so far has made a difference.

If anything, her being diagnosed as "not-BPD" gives me hope - that perhaps life can get better if her behaviours are personality drive not illness driven... .

Keep trying what works.

Hi reshi,

very high functioning pwBPD are difficult to diagnose. Most of the time they are functioning, to a degree they are able to maintain sufficiently large pockets of validating support environments and the problems are confined to selected close people. Last but not least I could imagine her having some psychology background can make it even harder - and I'm not even saying she is manipulating here.


Trust your instincts on what behavior is off. You don't have to diagnose so deeply - stick to the basics. The less abstraction the less manipulation or self deception is possible. It is very important for you to maintain your outside links, to your friends, your T and maybe also to the board as over time you can loose a grounded perspective.

Abuse on a higher level is more subtle and it is easy to discount it, discount it and discount it again. But over time invalidation damages. Recognizing invalidation and heading it off by calling it out, self validation or boundaries is critical. Maintaining mutual "respect" is vital and e.g. her putting down your T in the way she does is not ok as it crosses boundaries, attacks Ts credentials and your judgment. There are different ways handling this like straight telling her that your T is your business or when leaving informing her that you go to your "group sex T" to signal that she was over the line.

This is why I chose CrazyChuck. I thought the same thing. Maybe I am the problem. My uBPDw even suggested I got to a T for causing all the problems in our marriage. But after I joined this group I saw so many people going through the exact problems I'm going through. It is not logical to think we all have the exact same problem. That is when I decided I'm not crazy.

I can easily imagine a high functioning pwBPD who sees a T on their own *never* getting diagnosed.  After all, the T can only go on the reality that the pwBPD shares with them.  Plus, a big reason most of us struggle with the FOG is because often there is a kernel of truth to what triggers the pwBPD.  The pwBPD is very effective at taking that shade of gray in a situation and painting it black or white.  A T may have trouble discerning the kernel of truth vs. the black/white truth the pwBPD relays.

My two MCs with degrees in psychology (one a PHD) would listen to both of us talk about the same situation, start probing with questions, and do this over multiple sessions over multiple situations.  Eventually they recognized a pattern of zero empathy from my ex, her choice of words such as "he disrespected me" rather than "he disagreed with me", her series of excuses rather than accepting responsibility and other recurring themes common in pwBPD.  Throw in the stories of bad behavior (raging, long periods of silent treatment) and they had enough to go on to make their diagnosis.

High functioning pwBPD are tough to spot, even for professionals.  It takes the right therapeutic environment and the right professional.

|iiii

I avoided labeling until I realized it was helpful as a way to know where to start on my own behavior.  What I had been doing wasnt working.  Once I found this site I read and learned and applied the tools and they helped.

We went through several T's and marriage counselors, and a couple of them were very experienced with BPD (and NPD) personalities.  They didnt bother to label, because the label itself didnt matter.  How to deal with it and actions and improving the dynamics was all that mattered (now, I just happen to apply the tools that were developed for BPD personalities  ... .   )

Focus on your own action/behavior.  The compulsion to label is likely driven by your urge to make it 'she is the problem not me'.  When in fact it doesnt matter (so what if she is the problem?  so what if she is not the problem?  As long as the tools work and help... .)

Its easy to lose your mind. Keep friends and family involved in your life as a way to staying grounded.